Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Sept 30. Just time for one final edition of Ask Gal Anything. Here are our questions and yours. Question. How do you feel about the end of the Gonads as a touring band? Answer. Gutted of course, especially as the last three gigs were all so special. On one hand it’s great to finish on a high. On another, it feels premature because it felt like we were growing with every performance. But the simple truth is, my ears can’t take the rehearsals any more.
Q. Does this mean you will stop live shows or will you still perform as GBX? A. GBX is a work in progress, that’s a long way off. But what I am considering is doing selected gigs as the SkaNads. We’ve got enough original songs for a set and we can rehearse acoustically for that. Realistically, we could be gigging by next summer. Ideally with a sax player.
Q. Playing ‘What if?’, if the Gonads had had real backing, what differences would it have made to your stage show? A. We would definitely have made the Franken Skin an 9ft tall animated Hammer-Horror-style monster, stomping around the stage, oozing murderous menace, rather than a fat bloke in a mask. I’d have liked to have had an 8ft Yeti strutting her stuff too. In an ideal world, we would have come on stage with a line of high-kicking variety showgirls.
Q. It seems a shame not to aim for that, but no more Gonads shows, full-stop? A. I’m a can-do person, but unless we invest in some super-duper hi-tech ear defenders, I can’t see how I can do any more Gonads shows. If something really special came along, maybe we would take the risk.
Q. One reviewer in Berlin called the Gonads “the Chas & Dave of Oi”, what did you think of that? A. I was flattered. I loved Chas & Dave. GBX will have a touch of Ian Dury about it, it won’t just be the SkaNads under a different name. Mrs Marr, a scat singer of some note, is likely to do guest vocals.
Q. Can you tell us some of the new SkaNads song titles? A. There’s Sir Ska-a-Lot, which is loosely based on Fat Col. TV Times. Indecent, which is just filthy. The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal, White Tights…there’s an album’s worth. I grew up loving skinhead reggae, ska and soul. I’d like to do more of it. Strength Thru Oi-Tone!
Q. Of the many songs that have been written about you – by The Notsensibles, Crass, Adam Ant, The Warriors, and The Exploited – which was your favourite? A. Klasse Kriminale have just recorded one too, thanks chaps. And you missed the Angelic Upstarts and The Fall. The Notsensibles’ song was best, but we used to play Adam Ant’s Press Darlings on the Northbrook jukebox a lot. It made me smile almost as much as the sight of Sandra Bigg sweeping through the saloon bar like a south London goddess. I did appreciate the references and mentions in the Rejects’ songs, The Greatest Story Ever Told and I Wanna Be A Star. They were from the heart. Genuine like they are.
Q. What has changed about Oi over the years? A. Everything. It was just herberts playing in pubs, now the bands headline festivals. At the start there really wasn’t a typical Oi! sound. Blitz didn’t sound like the Business, the Blood didn’t sound like Burial, the Last Resort didn’t sound like the Upstarts and none of them sounded like the Rejects or Sparrer. I liked that variety. There are a lot of Oi-influenced bands around who have fashioned their own sound. That’s a good thing. I’d say to young bands, don’t try and sound the same as anyone, take the influences and run with them. Things have to grow to stay healthy. The important thing is to stay true to yourselves.
Q. Will you spill the beans about your song, Say What You Like? A. I’ve spoken to Clyde about that. Our decision is it will be the last track on our very last album, whenever that is.
Q. Any final message to the fans? A. Yes. Thank you! Thanks to everyone who came to the gigs and bought the records. You made it all worthwhile. We had a laugh and I hope you did too. We were always happier hanging out with the audience rather than posing about pretending to be superstars as some still do. As the old saying goes: never above you, never below you, always with you. Cheers.
STOP PRESS. Blog update! Headline: ‘Waistrel says go, monkeys say no’ – Lord Waistrel yesterday gave the go-ahead for six more months of this blog. The monkeys immediately responded by downing tools and striking for more money and job security. Good for them. As of now, the blog is closed until further notice. That’s all folks. Cheerio.
Sept 29. Lord Waistrel answers our questions and yours! We met the great man in his favourite establishment – La Joie de Castor private members lap-dancing club in Kensington. Question: Respectfully your Lordship, have you reached a decision regarding the blog? Answer: “I find it tedious, puerile, maleficent and misleading, but I have taken note of the depth of feeling expressed by your simple-minded readers and, after a short break, I will allow it to carry on for six more months. It is not a reprieve, it’s a stay of execution, that is all.”
Q. Why have you revived the blog but not the band. A? “Economic factors aside, obviously the Gonads could not be allowed to continue with the Wattsie woman in the line-up. She is a troublemaker, a heart-breaker and an upstart. I understand that she has turned down marriage proposals from such prestigious folk as my good friend Judge Shed and James T. Pursey of the Starship Enterprise. I hope that one day she takes one of these damn fools up on their proposal so that they can feel the rough edge of that sharp, unforgiving tongue. As for Phil McDermott, he is a decent cove and politically reasonable by today’s sorry standards. I would have him replace the JC creature on the double bass. A Gillingham supporter? In the Gonads? Don’t make me laugh. He should go! Make it so.”
Q. Um, sir, if Phil plays bass who would play guitar? A. “I hear good things about a certain James Marshall Hendrix, a wizard on the ukulele. One to watch I would say. You heard it here first.”
Q. Is Paul SkaNad safe? A. “Mr SkaNad is a fine chap. I would have him in any band I own on one small condition – that he agrees to give 24-hour access to the divine Miss M. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”
Q. How about Gal himself? A. “He wastes too much time on trivial nonsense like blogs, curry and lager. He indulges the Wattsie woman and lazily relies on small independent publishers for his novels. He needs a major publisher. I own several. He should ask.”
Q. What would your Grace say were the band’s greatest achievements? A. “Without a doubt, it is the song Reg & Ron by Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys.”
Q. Would you ever return to the recording studio and if so what would you record? A. “I have written a very moving and accurate answer to that rabble Cock Sparrer. It is called: England doesn’t belong to you, you plebs, it belongs to me and the elite class of landed gentlefolk, so fuck the fucking fuck orff.”
Q. Would you ever manage another musical act? A. “Not likely. Bunch of oiks. Poor investments, what?”
Q. If you were in power, what would you do immediately? A. “Slash taxation to 15% across the board. Encourage enterprise. Put MPs on the minimum wage. Sack 90% of civil servants. Abolish the House of fake Lords. Make layabouts work. Bring back the lash. Bring back hanging. Frack, baby, frack. Drill, baby, drill. Fortify our coasts. Unify the British Isles. Reclaim the empire. Horsewhip Bobby Davro. Bring back fox hunting. Raise the minimum voting age to 73. Depose King Charles, and nuke Moscow. That should do it.”
Q. Are you really planning a reactionary rock festival to challenge Glastonbury and Rebellion? A. An idea along those lines is being costed by my people. I will ask my dear friend Ms Streisand to headline. Tommy Edwards will close the second night. [We point out Tommy Edwards died in 1969]. Eh? What do you mean, he’s passed? Well get him by séance for God’s sake. Have I got to do every bally thing?”
Q. Are you eyeing up anyone for your next wifelet? A. Constantly. Can you sound out Halle Berry and Margot Robbie for me? As you can see, I am slightly tied up in the bondage dungeon right now. You know how it is. More port, Scrotum! More pork! Hit harder Nursey! Giddy up and tally ho!”
Sept 28. In normal news, Gal hosted a Vampyres Of Soho session in London’s West End today, reading extracts from his book, Sounds Of Glory Volume One (as the new Harry Tyler novel was deemed “too violent and filthy” by the organisers – a verdict he should use in adverts). The guests were Eater’s Andy Blade & Friends, and terrific rising band The Ovines – already Wattsie’s favourite new act. With Gaye Advert’s art on display and a surprise appearance from Bless This House sitcom goddess Sally Geeson, it was a riotous assembly with much laughter. But Gal tells us he had to turn down offers of two prestigious Gonads headlining shows. “Now we’ve announced our retirement, we’re getting more offers than ever,” he said. Sod’s law, Gal, sod’s law.
The Gonads party, joined by George of leading new mod trio The Modern Syndicate, moved on to Paul Hallam’s 60th birthday knees-up near Mansion House tube. Sadly, communications with this doomed blog then came to an abrupt end.
In the more serious business of our countdown to doom, the Pilgrim sat down with the Anti-Gonads League leader Paul Devine (round dodger) yesterday at the Pranksters’ top-secret HQ (in Green Lane, Chislehurst). Japanese mediator Nikka Yoichi was flown in at great expense to oversee negotiations. Effete El (The Insider) tells us, “As the Pilgrim and Devine spoke, you could hear the pauses in their words lengthening and the emotion in Devine’s voice growing. Obviously, he realised that he had to play ball and compromise for the sake of his health. You don’t mess with the Pilgrim.” All was not how it seemed however – the negotiations were a bluff! While the two men talked, The Shepherd and Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) led a party of Gonads loyalists (including the Crane brothers from Nigeria Rd, Charlton, whose father Kenny had been one of the band’s original 1977 “red army” of fans) into action. Not only did they track down and neutralise the AGL “with extreme prejudice”, they also recovered Ganymede and discovered that the secret money man behind the evil League was the treacherous Albert Farragut Jnr, who has fled the country. It seems that Farragut didn’t want to play second fiddle to Waistrel, or deal with “difficult elements like Wattsie”. Oddly, on the verge of total victory, Lord Waistrel insisted on joining the negotiations and agreed a deal that 1) the fate of the blog was in his hands and he will reach a decision sometimes today 2) Terence Hayes, PM, will remain as head of the Jolly Pranksters and any lingering AGL sleeper elements will be found and expelled and 3) the Gonads will cease to exist. What? “People were furious,” says an ashen-faced Effete El. “The enemy were beaten, Waistrel could have given them nothing, yet instead we have this fudged outcome that kills the band and might, at the whim of this aristocratic relic, give the blog a partial stay of execution. Why? Why give an inch? We’d won. And what’s the point of the blog without the band? It makes no sense. People are saying Waistrel must be senile.” Blimey. We’ll be putting our own questions to his Lordship in tomorrow’s Ask Waistrel Anything session, along with yours. As it stands there are just two days left before everything ends. Double blimey.
Sept 27. As the fate of the Gonads circles the bath plug hole of despair, and a reporting blackout prevents us from updating you on the desperate search for Ganymede, here are some fun band facts to help you through the day. Fact! At seven years and counting, this line-up of The Gonads has been the longest on record. The last to join was James “JC” Cruttwell in 2018. After Gal and Clyde, Wattsie has the longest track record, first joining the band as a humble backing singer in 2008. Then comes Paul (13 years) and Phil (10 years). The Gonads have two associate members, John King and Carrie ‘Caz Smith’ Griffiths. Our very first line-up lasted around ten months in 1977.
Fact! In total the Gonads have released eleven studio albums, the last being Revolution Now! in 2023, along with two live bootlegs, three compilations and a split album with The Blood. Total number of Gonads albums: 17. Number of albums written but unrecorded: three. Fact! The worse Gonads song ever was indisputably, Stop That Drumming. Sighs Fat Col, “Even turning it Ska didn’t help.”
A panel of critics have decreed that the greatest Gonads studio albums are: Glorious Bastards, Oi! Back & Barking, Live Free Die Free, and Old Boots No Panties. And the greatest Gonads gigs this century have been: 1) Punk & Disorderly (2025), 2) Rebellion Festival (2025), 3) Dublin Castle, London (2024), 4) Rebellion Festival (2022), 5) The Viper Room (2017). The all-time greatest Gonads US gig was Club Cocodrie in San Francisco, in January, 1998. (For most detested band member of all time, see Ganymede).
PS Huge thanks to the Gonads’ Club 77 fans who have petitioned Waistrel begging him to save the blog and the band. Even if your pleas fall on deaf ears, they mean the world to us. An emotional Fat Col says, “There are good ships and there are wood ships, ships that sail the sea, but the best ships are friendships, may they always be.” We’ll drink to that.
Sept 26. Effete El has filled a complete notebook with his list of the unpublished scandals uncovered by blog monkeys and tipsters over the years. There are allegations about Gal, with puzzling references to “Old Kent Road, Jaguar shame” and “LWT, bush, Melvyn Bragg”, and about the PM – who allegedly took wossname to a thingmabob and gave her a good oojamaflip up the wotsit. Twice. In Lord Waistrel’s case there are around 33 pages detailing “every political bribe he has taken, every love child he has been accused of fathering, every wage he ever cut and every union he ruthlessly smashed”. There is also a lengthy discourse on his affairs with three of the Mitford sisters, two of the Beverley Sisters and the Cheeky Girls’ mother, and grandmother. Some of the Waistrel notes are quite cryptic. These include ‘Gwyneth P, potting shed’, ‘Lizzy Bowes-Lyon, stables, Leading By A Length’ and ‘Chantal Sutherland, 50 Shades Of Hay!’. El has also revealed that Ganymede includes detailed internal reports authorised by Waistrel on every single Gonads band member and associate from 1977 on. He said, “The file on Fat Col is acutely vicious and personal. Col is summed up by one current band member as “It’s as if evolution had got to the 1950s, taken a wrong turn down a dead-end street and thrown in the sponge.” Ouch.
In another shock twist, El claims Ganymede will know the true identity of The Pants-Man who terrified Wattsie and Miss M in Berlin. How so, we ask? Ganymede was stolen before the great hairy beast materialised. The answer is simple, The Pilgrim explains. Field correspondents are able to upload stories into the system from anywhere in the world. “Every day there’s something new; this is why it is an extremely dangerous resource and must be recovered from enemy hands. We’re on it.” Let’s pray there’s time.
Sept 25. Effete El, who has been spilling beans for days now, has finally cracked and admitted that he is The Insider, the secret brains behind this blog, and was privy to all of its secrets. He has also come clean about Ganymede which turns out to be a detailed record of every scandal known to the blog monkeys, both published and unpublished. It is of course the unpublished ones that would do the damage. The Pilgrim tells us, “Eric created the Ganymede system and used it to manipulate people, rather like the whips in the House of Commons. In the wrong hands its secrets become a powerful tool for blackmail. El is currently making a list of everything he remembers, we’ll have more for you soon.”
In related news, The Pilgrim has also discovered that the Anti Gonads League were responsible for all of the problems that have plagued the blog this year, from fake-news websites to paranormal hacks, via wild cat strikes, the so-called “Blog-Elite” and the brutal stripping of the PM’s title. “It has been a sustained campaign,” says the Pilgrim grimly, adding, “We are going to end it.”
Sept 24. Breaking news! The Pilgrim and his equally intrepid associate The Shepherd have established exactly who is behind the so-called Anti-Gonads League, and what a vile assemblage of evil and shame it is too. Members include sinister mastermind Paul Devine (round dodger), Penny Rimbaud (Crass), Marcus Featherby (Pax Records), Captain Oi (the po-faced tyrant who blocked the re-release of our historic live bootleg), Sandie West (Hollywood Pest), Simon Cowell (pop puppeteer), Jo Brand (fat bird), Loony Bin Jim (neo-Nazi), several rejected Wattsie Watts suitors and more. Our boys also “persuaded” Effete El to reveal their chilling agenda, which is to end Gonadery as we know it via a four step plan: 1) To take over the blog and install Chelsea Dom (Grand Inquisitor) as puppet editor, 2) To blackmail Waistrel into retiring from public life, 3) To engineer a coup to allow Devine to assume control of the Jolly Pranksters and refashion the secret brotherhood to the League’s advantage and, most seriously, 4) Force Gal into captivity at Brinsworth House and 5) replace the real band with Fat Col and his Rawhides who will perform as “The English Gonads” – with Cowell set to sign them. So essentially Gal and the Gonads, Waistrel, Effete El and Terence Hayes, PM, must all agree to stand down and step away, or the League will go public with Ganymede… all of these shocking claims have been fact-checked and approved by Gonads Verify. Which just leaves two questions: what exactly is Ganymede and who is funding the AGL? The Pilgrim tells us, “We’re on it. Someone is spending a lot of dough to fund this bunch of bastards” (and we cleaned that up – Acting Ed, Caleb). Just six days left…
Sept 23. Finally, a genuine breakthrough! The first thing The Pilgrim did yesterday was find Effete El, ply him with booze and wait for him to crack… which didn’t take long. The revelations so far are disturbing. It seems that all of the enemies of this great band (and the blog and yes, the Pranksters) have formed a kind of Alliance of Evil. Calling themselves the Anti-Gonads League, these as yet unidentified villains have Ganymede in their possession and “will go nuclear” with it unless we comply with their demands. We are promised more dynamite scoops tomorrow… let’s hope so, it’s only six days until the blog ends forever.
Belated apologies to everyone at the Berlin show who wanted an encore. It would have been our final nostalgic surprise – a version of the Alaska Cowboys’ Herpes In Seattle featuring Wattsie on kazoo – but sadly we had exceeded our time.
Gonads Verify has dismissed claims of a second supernatural occurrence in Berlin in the early hours of Saturday morning. Our field agents have established that the so-called “Satanic” rumbling and a-grumbling, a-shaking and a-quaking, that hit the entire first floor of the hotel, was nothing to do with dark forces or alien infiltration whatsoever. It was just Paul SkaNad snoring and breaking wind after a post-show skinful (his poor missus – Ed). The Pants-Man however was extremely real…
Sept 22. Some band members are trying to weaponise the glory that was Berlin and use it to convince Gal to keep the Gonads playing live – despite his irreversible hearing loss. One anonymous musician moaned, “We were offered gigs straight after the show including a German tour and an Irish mini-tour, it’s such a shame to turn them down.” But an angry Fit-Bird responds, “They need to stop being selfish and get off Gal’s case, don’t they? Every rehearsal he has with the noisy fuckers makes his hearing worse.” On the plus side, she added that work has already started on a “spectacular” song about The Pants-Man which will “come with a video with a Hammer Horror vibe, wunnit?” Well, talking of a Hammer Horror vibe, here’s a chilling update on those sinister Germanic happenings:
There was more drama at the Berlin hotel on Friday night. One hotel guest reports that immediately after The Pants-Man had supposedly vanished into the ether, “There was a horrible persistent noise, a-rumbling and a-grumbling, deep and resonant and so loud that the whole first floor of the hotel was shaking. At the time we thought it was the heating system but reception said the heating was off. Now we think this blood-curdling discontented sound must have been something to do with the satanic, supernatural evil that was released that dark forbidding night in hotel room 132. Iron Maiden say 666 is the number of the beast, but we say 132 unleashed a demon too.” Blimey.
Ganymede update: Waistrel’s US detectives have drawn a blank, so His Lordship has played his final card. He has sent The Pilgrim on a mission to identify and expose the blackmailers and liberate Ganymede before any lives are damaged. Who is he? you might very well ask. Let’s put it this way. The Pilgrim is the man you send for when all else fails. The man even Martin Sporrell is scared of. He is the last resort. Gulp.
Sept 21. Thanks to everyone involved at Punk & Disorderly. We had a total blast. In fact, many experts, including Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor) and the legend that is Barnet Mark argued that our Friday night farewell show was “the greatest set” we had ever played, adding “you were the best band of the night”. A more up-themselves group would spend the next few days, perhaps weeks, quoting these heartfelt reviews, and many other similar ones, repeatedly and at great detail, basking in all that big Gonads love, but there are only nine days left of this blog and we have bigger fish to fry. Sadly, there is isn’t even time to tell you about Wattsie’s Berlin Odessey (soon to be an epic song) or Gal’s fabled inter-city train tour (on a par with his legendary walking tour of Borough Market – Acting Ed), because this joyful retirement weekend was over-shadowed by a strange unsettling incident back at the hotel when, after our gig, a male intruder broke into the bedroom that Shona and Sarah were sharing. Eye witnesses described the man as tall, tattooed, sixty-something and slightly overweight. He was wearing only a rictus grin and pair of tight black Calvin Klein underpants “with an intriguing bulge” and “speaking in tongues as if possessed by Satan”. His skin had a ghostly grey tone. “He was blank and expressionless,” gasped one traumatised witness, adding, “It looked like his soul had been sucked straight out of his head”. Quick thinking Miss Management shoved the intruder into the women’s bathroom, covering his straining black briefs with a towel, and then slammed the door shut. But this is where things get really weird. When she opened it again moments later, armed with pepper spray, the being – known only as “Pants-Man” – had disappeared into the ether. “It defies logic,” she told us. “There was no other way out of that bathroom but all that was left in there was my towel which was tarnished with an unpleasant stain.” Jeepers. So who or what was Pants-Man? Was he human or was he a sinister supernatural apparition? Some link him to an elderly ex-Chippendale dancer/poltergeist said to haunt the area. Others argue he could simply have been just another alien presence drawn to Ms Wattsie… When we asked her directly, Shona enigmatically replied, “We don’t know for sure, but we feel it’s somehow connected to Ganymede.” “What do you know about Ganymede?” we ask. But the phone goes dead.
Sept 20. Berlin, Punk & Disorderly. 2025. What a way to go! (Shocking behind the scenes stories to follow, if we can over-turn the injunction…)
Sept 18. A very sad day, for today is the day that the bulk of the band depart for Germany knowing that tomorrow they will play the Gonads’ last-ever gig before coming back to a dying blog… Gal and Wattsie flew off early from London City airport business class. “They didn’t pay for business class tickets, did they?” sniffed Fit Bird. “Wattsie just pulled the geezer over the counter, Eric Morecambe style, and said, ‘The Gonads – we are The Business’, and that done it, didn’t it?” First class! (“No, business!” – Fit Bird). Wattsie refused to sit next to Gal on the flight claiming she would get “overcome with emotion, what with it being our last time”. She also muttered, sotto voce, “Plus it’s harder for low-flying aliens to abduct us if we’re apart.” Blimey.
Sept 17. Street Sounds guru, Paul ‘Stalin’ Hallam, calls with a dilemma. “One of our top writers did an hour-long interview with Waistrel yesterday,” he says. “And I don’t know what to do with it. All he did was bang on about Trump being a ‘pinko loser’, his undying love for Elizabeth Montgomery, and how much better life was for the world when it was under the benevolent embrace of patriarchal feudalism.” Wiping away a tear of frustration, Stalin went on, “I can’t publish it, even online, so you are going to have to let Waistrel know and do it for the blog.” Sensing our shock, he shouted “Run another Ask Waistrel Anything before you close, that’ll do it”, and slammed down the phone. Oh gawd. As if our impending fate wasn’t enough to worry about.
Sept 15. Yesterday’s acoustic rehearsal at Nads HQ, Chelsfield, went well except for one small controversy when Wattsie accused Gal of “burning the sausages”. A tightlipped Fit Bird tells us: “It was deliberate, weren’t it? It weren’t burnt bangers for band members, wozzit, it was a burnt offering for the gods of chaos.” Blimey. Later an apparently sober Wattsie shocked everyone by announcing she was going “to knock one out this afternoon” (possibly a reference to deleting irritating Facebook friends – sensible Acting Ed). She also said “I like waking up to a big one”, which was not a double meaning at all and spells very bad news for her luckless admirer Fat Col (of ‘18 stone of dynamite, half inch fuse’ fame)…
Sept 14. It’s time for the penultimate edition of Ask Gal Anything. Question. Any truth in the rumour spread by subculture photographer Jim Jimmy James on X/Twitter that you’re going straight from Berlin to ITV’s I’m A Celebrity? A. None at all! Although I am wondering why I keep getting blended goat testicles for tea.
Q. The Gonads always come with a wink. Is that because you are a cynical person? A. Come with a wink? You might have misspelt that. Cynical is the wrong word. Comical is what we wanted to be. I always defined Oi as “having a laugh and having a say” and the Gonads definitely like a laugh. A lot of early Oi bands sang about football violence, gangs and cops because that was their world. We never pretended to be hard nuts. We were a working-class band, and our world was football, beer, barmaids, bookies, sex, ska, socialism, stand-up comedians and Minder on the telly. Politicians are who I’m cynical about now. We took the piss out of hooliganism with Tucker’s Ruckers – but if you listen to the lyrics, you can hear we were actually mocking ourselves.
Q. In a perfect world, what albums would you record next? A. Obviously the GBX project is pressing on my mind and that’s our next priority. But I’d really like to record our unreleased 70s songs like Antigallican Last Bell, Whelks and Red Army as authentically as possible. There’s a new Gonads punk album to record too. No rush. Plenty of time to decide.
Q. Will you miss playing live as The Gonads? A. Yes. But there’s no point regretting things you can’t change. My ears can’t take it.
Q. What bands and acts from back in the day should have made it big but didn’t? A. Other than the Gonads? Off the top of my head…Case for sure. Nick Welsh. Rudi from Belfast. Oral of course. Otis Clay. Mik Whitnall’s 100 Men. Judy Mowatt… Later, Argy Bargy, King Prawn, Reel Big Fish... The Blades UK. Peter & The Test Tube Babies could have been bigger. The Burial too with the right producer, same goes for the Small Hours. More recently, The Lemonaids, Alias Kid, The Candy Skins, Silver Sun. The Sorts are good.
The Gonads gathered in That Sidcup Place this morning for one final rehearsal ahead of their last-ever festival on Friday. With heavy heart, we can confirm that nothing has changed. The end is indeed nigh. Just 16 days to go.
Before we close down there will be one more Ask Gal Anything, so get your questions to us pronto, Tonto.
News Update. Fat Col was with Lord Waistrel when the good Lord heard that Ganymede had “fallen into enemy hands”. Whispers Col, “Waistrel wobbled on his feet and his face turned the colour you go after death. He then started to choke. His personal nurse, Miss Jacqui, performed the Heimlich manoeuvre until his most nobleness had recovered. He immediately jumped on the blower and told whoever answered, ‘Find out who they are and what they want, and then finish it’.” Colin has been known to exaggerate but we have since established that Waistrel made two international calls – one to New York’s top detective Joe Bookman and the second to former LAPD sleuth Lt Peter Falkello. The search for Ganymede, whatever that may be, has just gone serious.
Why was Col with his Lordship? asks ever alert and ever radiant internet sleuth Wattsie. The truth is he was trying to persuade Waistrel to force the Gonads to record a punk rock rugby song ep as a parting gift to the world. After the Ganymede incident, he got as far as singing the third verse of Three German Officers when Scrotum directed him to the oaken front door with the business end of his size 12 daisies. “Wait,” shouted Col. “I can sing The Engineer’s Dream as well…” The door slammed on his head, doing no damage to the door.
Sept 13. A three-word message arrived simultaneously at Prankster HQ and Waistrel Manor yesterday reading simply: “We have Ganymede”. But what is Ganymede and what does it stand for? It’s clear from our investigations that only a select few know for sure. These, we believe, include Lord Waistrel, senior pranksters of grand rank, and sadly The Insider, aka the blog’s own executive editor, a double agent who has been keeping us all in the dark. We looked to him for guidance, but he had packed his bags and scarpered. We know what you’re thinking – just ask Effete El. The trouble is he’s vanished too…
Shortly afterwards, two scary men, pulled Caleb, a senior blog monkey, to one side muttering “A word in your shell-like, guv’nor.” The bigger of the two then leaned in conspiratorially adding, “If this really is the end of the blog, shouldn’t you boys be writing about serious stuff instead of wasting time on trivial made-up bollocks like Ganymede?” “W…w…what if it’s real?” Caleb stuttered. The smaller man sneered. “Even if it did turn out to be real, it wouldn’t do you blog monkeys much good to go poking around in that can of worms…” he said. “Why? Do you know what it is?” replied a shaking Caleb. The bigger man laughed. “Enough said, son, enough said. Now can it, because legs do break.” Gulp.
Stop Press: Gal today announced on Instagram that he and Wattsie are working on “what happens after the Gonads stop gigging this month”. The project is a renewed Garry Bushell Experience with a wider brief – essentially The SkaNads meet Ian Dury with new songs. “Still the Gonads but less noisy,” says Wattsie. The band are currently looking for management and a permanent sax-player before launching officially in 2026.
Sept 9. Gal’s latest Harry Tyler novel, book five in the series, is now on sale from the Caffeine Nights website. The book is dedicated to our old friend Andre Schlesinger, RIP, New York’s first punk rock detective. There will be a launch, probably next month.
Sept 7. Chelsea Dom (The Grand Inquisitor) was a no-show at Sandy Lane, Barbados, today which meant Waistrel and Farragut had to flip an antique guinea coin to settle who would pay for their deluxe Champagne Top “brekkers”. Waistrel lost, which simply hardened his bad-tempered resolve to kill off this great blog and greater band. In his fury, Waistrel went on Truth Social to blacklist “disrespectful” Vive Le Rock and a long list of newspapers, magazines, blogs record companies and bizarrely The Lady who apparently “know too much” He then announced that he will grant this one-time exclusive interview to either the Church Times or “His Majesty’s Sunday Telegraph”, unless Street Sounds is interested.
Sept 6. Riotous rehearsals in Erith last night. The Berlin show will see a slight change to the Rebellion set, with the surprise addition of one old favourite right near the end… Relax, it’s not Stop That Drumming.
Sept 4. Our anonymous blog editor, aka The Insider, addressed a press conference today in Indus Road, Charlton, telling the assembled hacks (Frank & Doris Scribbler): “This is a very sad time for us. We face an uncertain future. And we genuinely do not know what the outcome will be.” He then fielded questions which touched on various internet conspiracy theories. These included. Q: Has Gal got a secret plan to relocate to New England and tour with the American Gonads? A. We don’t believe so.
Q. How about The Algarve? A. Our sources suggest that is no longer an option.
Q. Is it the film? Is he going to LA to work with Sandie West? A. That won’t be happening.
Q. Could the band break-up and blog closure be stopped if Gal were to write a killer song with Clyde and/or Mark McMighty that went viral on TikTok? A. Obviously anything that raised extra income would theoretically help our cause. But we understand that up to 100 new songs have been written, and none have been recorded. So that side of things is at an impasse.
Q. Why doesn’t Wattsie swallow her pride and become Waistrel’s next wife-lette? Surely, she could then change his Lordship’s mind with her womanly wiles? A. You’ll have to ask her. And him. Has he forgiven her for turning down his first five marriage proposals? That could be the unknown factor that made him give up on the Gonads in the first place. We just don’t know.
Q. What is Ganymede? A. (After a long sweaty silence). “I have no idea and no comment. No further questions, conference over.” Exit The Insider full-pelt on an electric scooter down Nigeria Road with hacks in pursuit.
Sept 3. Many vital existential matters have been raised on the blog recently, but the one that really troubles us is: what exactly constitutes a “a fully-charged Champagne Top breakfast”? Mercifully Scrotum, Lord’s Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, is on hand to spill the over-priced beans about His Lordship’s favoured morning meal. Apparently, it consists of breaded oysters fried in bacon grease, Lobster Benedict made with quail eggs, three to four Mangalitsa pork sausages, sauteed Isle of Wight heirloom tomatoes, baked beans with Parmesan cheese, swan pie with eel-liquor sauce, Stornoway black pudding, Kelly’s white pudding, fresh bone marrow roasted with lard and onions, tattie scones and a double helping of Highland haggis. All served with limitless sourdough toast, John Lydon approved butter, and at least three pints of champagne top. Cost? A mere £333 a head. “Hit’s ha bargain hand no mistake,” observes Scrotum. “Hand ’Is Lordship tends to finish just hin time for helevenses.” Strewth! But will Chelsea Dom show up on Saturday for his big exclusive?? (Passing man with 8-ball: “All signs point to no.”)
Sept 2. Lord Waistrel has personally squashed talk of any last-minute reprieve for either the Gonads or this blog. Last night via Zoom, Waistrel told a small Carlton Club gathering of braying sycophants, empire loyalists and half-cut Hooray Henrys: “There is no bally room for negotiation…This band – one of my worst and most troublesome investments – will cease playing live shows after their Berlin date on the 19th of this month, and the blog will cease publication eleven days later. The plastered plebs haven’t broken a decent story in years. No other outcome is viable.” Current band executive manager, Albie Farragut Jnr, was quick to endorse His Lordship’s decision via his glamorous ball-busting, bottle-blonde PA Melanie M. Manetta who told the blog, “Mr Farragut is certain that the Gonads brand will make more money once the band cease to exist. The potential product range is extraordinary. If Ms Wattsie and her ragged-trousered socialistic cohorts foolishly challenge the legal band owner and manager in a court of English law, they will find the House Of Waistrel’s fighting fund, buoyed by the Farragut billions, is more than enough to see them off. Come and have a go if you think you’re rich enough, suckers.” Gulp. Sadly, it looks like time really is up for Charlton’s second greatest punk rock band and the world’s longest-running, most revered and most cheerfully inaccurate punk rock blog. Poor show.
Stop press: Waistrel and Farragut have agreed to do one press interview to explain their plans and silence all criticism forever – on condition that their interviewer is “the most respected newshound Chelsea Dom (the grand inquisitor), and his blushing bride Magnolia ‘Mandy’ Crow, and that he meets them in Sandy Lane, Barbados, this Saturday morning, and buys a fully-charged Champagne Top breakfast”. Over to you Dominic.
Sept 1. With just 30 days until this blog ends, a group of “seditious rebels” are considering launching a legal bid to REVERSE Gal’s unilateral decision to kill off Gonads live shows and HALT Waistrel’s “dictatorial” decision to close this blog. The rebels (every other band member and every intrepid blog monkey, plus, they claim, John King and his BME buddies) are said to be crowd-funding a “serious court appeal” spearheaded by the “ferocious” legal firm of Sue, Harde & Leggett. One source close to Wattsie, known only as Major Tom, argues that the band could perform without Gal by use of “a lifelike dummy manipulated like a marionette by a skilled puppeteer up in the lights, maybe Steve Hewlett or Paul Zerdin when he’s not in Vegas”. But Club 77 loyalists Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) and Gurkha (New Tucker’s Ruckers) last night stated: “Regrettably there is no Gonads without Gal, and probably no Gal without the Gonads.” Gulp.
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