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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


May 18. Eurovision news: our pure punk version of Save Your Kisses For Me will go ahead, an ashen-faced Beast revealed at a high-level press conference earlier today. He told the assembled throng (Effete El and Babs Maloney) that the record might even be recorded in collaboration with Brotherhood Of Man themselves. Although, in anticipation of the expected sales figures, we will be changing the title to Kiss Your Savings Goodbye...

P.S. A move to record an alternative version on the b-side, a love song to The Golden Shot re-named Keep On Pissing On Me, has been abandoned after we realised we couldn’t find any self-respecting woman prepared to sing it.

Odd. We’ve been sitting by the phone for over a week now waiting to hear from that unnamed LA promoter who allegedly wants to book us for a “big West Coast Oi! weekender” later this year. Either they’re very shy or very busy. It would be outrageous to suggest that someone “out West” entirely made them up...

There is news however on Bed, Board & Boned in Berlin. A treatment for the self-styled “saucy adult sex comedy” has been written and Waistrel rings from Monte Carlo to say that he has put his best man on the case to raise the necessary seed money. Hurrah! Granted our spirits sag when we learn the best man is one Colin Gannon but who knows, maybe he’ll, umm, pull it off.

May 17. We start today with just one though: Come on you Reds!

There’s a slight delay on the Marylebone Martyrs reformation as Paul tells us that “our guitarist is currently roofing in France but we’ll definitely start rehearsing when he comes back”. He goes on: “There is an amazing amount of interest in the suedehead style in Europe considering that the late 70s/early 80s revival consisted of me, Oxo Tom, Gal Gonad and a handful of others. But it’s still for me the ultimate look.” Us too – tank tops, loafers, Sta-Prest strides, Prince Of Wales check suits, Crombies, button-down shirts with back pleats, short but comb-able hair, early 70s Trojan (Lion’s Den by the Kingstonians!), tonic whistles and the occasional addition of a sword-stick! Does it get any better than that?

MOD News: the Grand Mod Experience will take place at The Grand Hotel, Brighton on Friday 23rd August. The centrepiece will be the All Or Nothing – The Experience concert show by Carol Harrison with music and lyrics by the Small Faces. Carol tells us “This is a classic rock and roll story of four charismatic young kids from East London with humour, attitude, passion and, above all, talent. The All or Nothing Band will perform an extended set of 60s covers followed by Zoot Money’s Big Roll Band and DJs Andy Hill & Sean Chapman. All proceeds will go to the Teenage Cancer Trust. Carol is also promising “special celebrity guests” from the worlds of TV, film and music, a photographic exhibition, book signings, vintage pieces and memorabilia. Tickets cost £49.50 from How much? Strewth. Fat Col naturally was on hand to suggest what he would expect from an “All or Nothing” experience for nigh on £50 with Carol Harrison in a Brighton hotel. But there’s no room for that kind of filth on this blog. We’re not the Gang Of Four.

The GonadsMay 13. Happy bOi!thday to Gal!! We were going to manufacture a special Oi sausage as a present for him but those cheeky bastards at Peperami got there first...

PS. Girls, if Fat Col offers you a “special Oi sausage” do not, repeat, do not take him up on his offer of “a quick lick in the dark just to appreciate the flavour”. Besides the cheesy after-taste ruins it...

While we were away... the Berlin promoters finally paid up – just a month late – after a friendly visit from Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner)... Sandie West (Hollywood Pest) claimed a California promoter wants us to headline a big three-day Oi weekender on the West Coast but so far the promoter – if he or she exists – has failed to contact us... and most surprising of all, Gal bumped into Brotherhood Of Man who knew all about the Gonads and begged him to have us record and release a punk rock version of Save Your Kisses For Me. The idea has had a mixed reception at Nads HQ now permanently relocated in beautiful downtown Seasalter. “We could boot the cheese out it,” says the Beast. “But only if we could represent the UK at Eurovision 2020... let’s face it, we couldn’t do any worse than this year’s mob.”

The GonadsRemember Wattsie getting the hump about being sent “sexist” interview questions? Well since we ran the item we have been inundated with other questions for her ranging from the childish – Would you risk it for a biscuit? (Fat Col) to serious inquiries about her musical influences and vocal techniques. Others include: How did you go from occasional flag girl to full-time band member? As an ex-punk from the Mod scene, what differences do you find between these audiences? Which songs have you inspired? When did you fall out of love with 1980s relic and former public schoolboy Jeremy Corbyn? Why have you stopped doing the funny middle-8 dance in Oi Mate? What’s your favourite Gonads song and are there any you hate? Why do you like to put nail varnish on grown men?

And on they go... One reader asks: I understand Wattsie has a special diet and keeps herself fit. Is there any chance we could see a picture of her at her physical peak to inspire others who are keen on health and efficiency? We are happy to oblige.

Here, as requested... a non-sexist picture of good health.

RECORD NOOS: New York hardcore legends Maximum Penalty have released Demo 89 on blue vinyl. The Reaper Records LP, which includes the band’s earliest songs, is limited to a pressing of 1,000 (600 blue, 400 black) and comes with unseen photos, artwork and flyers. The LP includes digital download and a poster... Meanwhile The Chariot’s 2012 album One Wing has been re-issued on vinyl by Good Fight Music, a glorious cacophony of punk-infused metal and hardcore.

May 5. We’re putting our boots up by the seaside for a week so this blog is closed. Back in time for Gal’s birthday hopefully. Cheerio!

Shock news: the Gonads USA are planning to launch as a full-time project. Jay the Tripod and Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa will be joined by Geoffrey C. Palmer on lead guitar and backing vocals. The lads are looking for a “young and dynamic singer” to replace Gal but in a shock move they are also keen to recruit Wattsie Watts. Jay tells us: “Wattsie should fly over so we can meet her and rehearse together, we would treat her much better than you guys do. Fat Col is not welcome. What a klutz! I hear Col’s father spent the first years of his life throwing rocks at the stork.” Rodger says: “There will be no animosity between us and the UK Gonads. In fact if any of us can’t make a show, the English guys can be our stand-ins.” We can confirm that Sandie West is NOT behind this surprising development – like all right-thinking people the Gonads USA are thoroughly “Sandie-sceptic”. The real culprit is Fat Col who suggested it after a night on the Paulaner. But Lord Waistrel has apparently given the new off-shoot his blessing (as a potential revenue stream) and big-hearted Jay has even found somewhere for Wattsie to stay – his place. But how would she get a green card? Waistrel’s American legal advisor Ivor B. Loophole reckons “A green card may not be needed. If Ms Watts were to marry a US citizen and become say Mrs Tripod she would be able to live and work here unhindered.” Blimey.

That other great legal eagle, The Beast is managing Prole and is currently negotiating with a well-known label about the street-socialist band’s debut album. He tells us “Not everyone realises that there are six Prole songs already in existence – Generation Landslide, Chasing Rainbows, We’ll Never Say Die, Destination Room 101 and Working were all written and recorded in the 80s. Fire Down Under was also written by Gal and Steve Kent as a Prole number but Steve recorded it with the Business instead. Gal wrote the lyrics and came up with the feel of the song while he was on the road with Rose Tattoo in the USA in 1982.”

May 4. The PM has dramatically cancelled this month’s planned Badoes Awards night in order to concentrate on “urgent Prankster business” which we are not privy too. Shame. We asked one brother who has to remain anonymous (Effete El) what was going on and he muttered something along the lines of “that other mob... it’s kicking off a bit... Tel wants to keep it on a chummy one... know what I mean?” Not really, mate but thanks for the insight.

May 3. Big news! The Marylebone Martyrs are reforming. Britain's only suedehead band are set to start rehearsing with the aim of gigging again. A spokesdude tells us “This is due to considerable interest in us from Eastern Europe.” He goes on “The beer-guts may be bigger, but the spirit’s still there. Hold on though, can you get a curry in the former Eastern Bloc? This may be a sticking point!” Worry not, pals. We know of several curryhouses in Prague and recommend the Namaste in Warsaw.

May 2. Wattsie Watts is up in arms after receiving what she perceives as “sexist” questions from a US fanzine. “Why am I only asked about Fat Col?” she moans. “It’s demeaning.” Quite right, says Col who adds “If anyone has any non-sexist questions for Shona, please send them through.” Then he spoils it by saying “In the meantime calm down dear, it ain’t exactly Panorama.”

Record Noos: the new Harrington Saints album 1000 Pounds Of Oi! is released on 10th May by our mates at Pirates Press, featuring ten “pulse-pounding” ditties.

May 1. Happy International Workers’ Day. All together: “Free, free beer for all the workers when the Oi! revolution comes.”

All has gone quiet on the Sandie West front. This worries Fat Col. “It’s the calm before the storm,” he tells us. “Just like the slow hours before the Battle of Winterfell. Evil Sandie is massing her undead hordes on our borders even as we speak.” Colin, we love ya mate but you’re watching way too much telly.

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