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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


March 23. Oh dear. We have now been approached by German filmmaker Fitz Upzebach who tells us he wants to make Bed, Board Und Boned In Berlin as a full-length movie “in the style of classic British sex-comedies of the 1970s like The Amorous Milkman und Adventures Of A Plumber’s Mate ”. He has offered to get German-born adult film legend Ana Nova to “play the Wattsie part” and has “hired seven female dwarfs” on the understanding that the Gonads will “very much want to partake in this ground-breaking production”. He adds: “It will be done as a proper film. Don’t sell your soul to arrogant Yankees who will do it on the cheap and destroy your legacy.”



March 22. Alex Anesiadis’s new book Crossover The Edge will look at “punk/metal fusion” – a trend first mentioned in Sounds some 39years ago. Alex has interviewed 127 bands (but shockingly not the mighty DMG) and written more than 220,000 words on the subject for the magnum opus which will be published on Cherry Red Records on 3rd June. Now he is busy trying to persuade Richard England to turn it into a big screen documentary. He tells us: “The film would appeal to different subcultures – punks, HC punks, skinheads and metal-heads, and it isn’t limited to a specific place, scene or country since the crossover of punk and metal in the 1980s was a worldwide phenomenon and bands from then have become classic bands for both punks and metal-heads like D.R.I., Suicidal Tendencies, Corrosion of Conformity, GBH, Discharge, Agnostic Front, Cro Mags and Ratos De Porao” among others. He wants Gal and Ian Glasper to present it. Good luck getting hold of Sir Gonad. He’s more stretched than Carol Vorderman’s drawers at the moment. He doesn’t even talk to us!



Two Misfits-inspired action figures are available from Super7. These are The Fiend (Crimson Red) and The Fiend (Midnight Black). The toys have been produced as an official collaboration with Glenn Danzig and the gang and feature original card art by Ed Repka.



March 20. Here is the link to Gal’s latest Sounds Of Glory podcast on spreaker that went out last night. Fit Bird tells us “Gal was in a funny old mood, ’e just tore up his playlist and played his favourite punk songs didn’ ’e?” And yet still no Gonads! Sell-out! Here’s the Spotify link.

Questions we can’t answer: what are Gal and The Beast up to? Why does it involve a camera crew? Will the PM’s Badoes Awards ceremony (to “celebrate working class culture and achievement”) actually take place next month? And what will happen when the Nads get to their Berlin hotel and Wattsie has to choose whose double bed to share? We don’t know, but bizarrely she might be safest with Fat Col who has already booked several sessions at some low-rent red-light establishment... Miss Management tells us: “If Wattsie has the bed at night and Col kips in it all day that’s the problem solved. She’ll just need to de-lice the pillow and change the sheets.” (In response Col has called on Wattsie to take on Miss Management in a “well-lit pillow fight, both wearing tight-fitting black lingerie, stockings and suspenders” for the right to share Paul SkaNad’s bed. Dearie me. This will end in tears. Probably Colin’s.



Good news, bad news. The good news: we have appointed an official Gonads merch salesperson and she’s coming with us to Germany. Hurrah! The bad: we haven’t got round to ordering the merch... anyone got a sewing machine?



Street Sounds may be dead in the water but we understand there are plans afoot to celebrate SuperYob in his own comic-book...



March 19. Surely this can’t be true? With relationships between this band and nefarious Hollywood producer Sandie West close to breaking point, we hear that the treacherous Fat Col has a) asked her to manage him and put on an ‘18 Stone of Dynamite’ US tour (featuring the US Gonads who he cheerfully sacked from the recording!) and b) sold her the film rights to a follow-up Nads “adult comedy” called Bed, Board & Boned In Berlin. We would like to put on record that Colin Gannon is a shameless fraud who does not represent this great band, has no say in our future projects, and the only illicit “boning” happening in Germany will involve a freshly cooked Pfannfisch.



PS. We still intend to shoot our own Carry On Up The Gonads movie and rescue the enterprise from what Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) calls “the biggest on-going fiasco this side of Brexit”. Leading British film critic Malcolm Godard-Commode backs this return to genuine Gonadery. He tells us “whereas the original script was original and surreal, almost Milligan-esque in places, with pathos and clever sight gags, the rushes from Get Your Gonads USA look like West has reduced the band’s comedic vision to lowbrow slapstick, it’s like expecting a hyperactive toddler to accurately capture the spirit of a Dali masterpiece.” Quite.



PPS. A German production company want to film us in Berlin. We’re not sure if they mean on stage or in the controversial shared double beds...



Here’s Dominic Frisbee’s Brexit song, 17.4 Million Fuck-Offs:



March 18. Self-styled “blog student” and pedantic nuisance Alexis Lister has emailed casting doubts on Richie Rocker’s suggestion that the Gonads might have a thermo-nuclear capacity. Although it is true that Waistrel flogged off our last Polaris missile to his pal Yeltsin a few years back, we would advise Mr Lister that were we to fill up Fat Col with vindaloo, eighteen pints of Guinness and a quart of cheap brandy and light a match when he’s in the khazi, the fall-out is likely to take out anything breathing within a half-mile radius. Col’s arse makes Chernobyl look like Storm Gareth.



Talking of Colin, the big-hearted bounder has gallantly offered to solve the Berlin hotel crisis by “personally paying for Wattsie to have a bed in a private room so she does not have to share with a member of the band”. Really, we say, no strings? “None at all,” he replies. “As long as she don’t snore... well, she’ll have to share it with me won’t she? But I am prepared to make that sacrifice for the good of band morale.” He goes on: “I won’t expect nothing from her, because I ain’t like that, although in fairness an early morning gobble as a small ‘thank you’ gesture would not go amiss.” Oaf.



We hear that Manic Esso’s bid to break into the stand-up comedy world may have gone tits up after the great man cornered the only promoter in London who might have had the balls to put him on last week and subjected him to a rant so un-PC it would have made Frankie Boyle blush. Seriously if Pete ever does a show you must see it because there is a strong chance any venue that books him will close down shortly afterwards.



March 17. Happy St Patrick’s Day! War is over... with no loss of life, limb or underwear... RejOice! Yes, as our platoon of south London Jolly Boys arrived at Venice Beach, our Instagram access was miraculously restored! A triumphant Effete El reports: “Our lads landed at LAX and were en route to the Mexican cafe when lo and behold we were able to access the account again.” A spokesperson for Sandie blamed the entire incident on “an Instagram malfunction”, although Wattsie suspects alien involvement and Fat Col fingered corrupt Eurocrats. “I am happy to accept Sandie’s explanation,” big-hearted Lord Waistrel tells us affably, adding “Now for Berlin... and the Brexit traitors! What? Tally-ho!” Gulp! We await his Lordship’s verdict on the future of Get Your Gonads USA... the horrors and mishaps surrounding “the greatest punk rock movie of all time” (Variety) are so hilarious you could probably make a funnier film about the making – or not making – of it.



Don’t forget the big Vive Le Rock awards night at the O2 Islington Academy is just ten days away...



RECORD NOOS: The Bouncing Souls’ 12inch ep, Crucial Moments is out now on colour vinyl from Rise Records... Beach Slang’s new single MPLS is available from Quiet Panic... and don’t forget Warzone’s debut LP, Don’t Forget The Struggle Don’t Forget The Streets has been re-released on translucent red vinyl by Revelation Records. It’s been out of print for over 25 years; the NYHC classic has been re-mastered and repackaged with liner notes by Lukie Luke Abbey, new artwork by John Omen and many never-seen photos...



March 16. Today’s report from the front line: the Gonads advance guard of ale-swigging Charlton Boys have landed and are travelling with extreme stealth to take up lodgings in the fabled Mexican cafe. While an outraged Richie Rocker has promised the backing of Scouse herberts saying: “We can’t stand by and let this happen. We Brits invented Streetpunk, and some jumped up little septic starts taking the piss. Only one way to resolve this lad. It worked in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and it will work now!” Uh-oh. A panicking Sandie West last night sent messages to Nads HQ bizarrely stating that 1) US comedian SHAYNA ROSS (the punk rock Joan Rivers – Ed) was responsible for our loss of Instagram access and not her! (Not true, for once Shayna was entirely innocent) And that 2) Sandie has broken her hand after another late night road traffic accident and therefore couldn’t be responsible... (So who was typing her text messages then??) War correspondent Effete El tells us: “It looks like West has no stomach for warfare. It’ll all be over by Easter... ” Great, but which year?



The Gonads WebsiteOUT now: the latest issue of NEPALM RELOADED with an exclusive hospital bedside interview with Terence Hayes, PM, talking about his forthcoming solo EP, plus a profile of the brave nurse who bed-bathed him. The mag covers a huge array of bands including Krimewatch, Quivering Quim and glam punk disciples Godiva’s Gusset. There is an 8-page celebration of 1970s British sex-comedy films, John King on the urgent need for the People’s Party of Great Britain, a Pluto Shervington profile, a Spike Milligan retrospective and 12 pages on the 40th anniversary of New Mod... talking of which, GLORY BOYS a sulphate-driven tear-away Mod pulp fiction novella by Jim Iron and John Steel continues to sell four years after its release – well done fellas!



March 15. In an extraordinary move, Lord Waistrel tonight announced that a state of WAR now exists between this great band and Sandie West of Beachcomber Films of Los Angeles, California. The shock development followed a day of open hostility after West locked us out of our own Instagram account. His Lordship appeared live on the BBC World Service at 7.30pm Greenwich Mean Time to sombrely read out the following statement: “This morning the Gonads ambassador in Los Angeles handed Sandra West a final note stating that unless the Gonads’ access to their Instagram account was restored by 11am Pacific Daylight Time a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently the Gonads are at war with Sandie West and her evil empire.” He continued reading, his ancient aristocratic boat-race set like stone, for a further 15minutes before concluding: “Now may God bless you all. May He defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail.” An ashen-faced Effete El tells this blog: “We do not know why Sandie West, Hollywood Pest, has done this. Her attack was unannounced, uncalled for, ineffable, despicable and completely unacceptable. She has given us no reason and has refused to reply to emails or texts.”



The aggressive cyber-attack happened at around 3am – peak vodka time – in LA. Tomorrow’s editorial in The Times calls for “a cooling off period” adding “there are some hopes that Chelsea Dom, the Henry Kissinger of streetpunk, will be able to mediate a peace settlement before things get ‘proper nasty’.” Dom, currently in Boston, has volunteered to fly to Venice Beach and act as a peace envoy, but movie industry insiders are already predicting that the West-provoked hostilities will spell the end of the road for the punk rock movie Get Your Gonads USA. Band spokesman Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) confirmed that Lord Waistrel tonight sensationally withdrew his permission for the mockumentary to be released. Instead he said that “a proper film, restored to its original title Curry On Up The Gonads” will be made by Julien Temple (“or possibly Julian Clary, I forget which)”. A firm of fully-trained Charlton Boys are already in the air over the Atlantic on an SAS-style reconnaissance mission. Said Sporrell: “Sandie is behaving like a jumped-up tyrant, she is the hippy equivalent of Kim Jong-on and we ain’t ’aving it.” This new crisis follows the great “double bed scandal” referred to yesterday. An insider tells us: “Waistrel was already fuming about the great Brexit betrayal. He was talking about raising a People’s Army with John King. No-one has seen him this angry since Crimea. It’s completely ruined Cheltenham. The mood his Lordship is in he might well declare war on the House of Commons tomorrow and the hotel-swerving Huns and all.” Blimey. We don’t want to fight, but by Jingo if we do, we’ve got the men, we’ve got the ships and we’ve got the money too.



Here’s a new interview with Gal filmed in happier times (last weekend) for America’s Hard Mod podcast (modcast) with Nick and Matt.



March 14. Band tempers are rising after weeks of prevarication concerning our accommodation in Berlin next month, we can reveal. Gonad negotiator Honest Phil McBadoe asked for single hotel rooms, they booked us a youth hostel. Phil reminded them that we’d requested single rooms and they booked us doubles. (With double beds, not even twins). Fit Bird tells us: “Can you imagine poor Wattsie having to share ’er Uncle Ned with one of them great hairy fools all thrusting an’ lusting all bleedin’ night, copping crafty feels an’ pretending to be akip? It don’t bear thinking about.” (No. Although in fairness Fat Col thinks about it most of the time). She goes on: “If our gig was on bleedin’ April 1st and not the 11th we might consider it an April Fools prank. But it ain’t. And it ain’t Beadle cos he ain’t about either, is ’e?” Only in spirit.



Travis Parker calls. Seems Blink 182 are working on a new album which he reckons will have “the same vibe” as their self-titled 2003 album. It’s due out around the beginning of June. Insert your own All The Small Things/Fat Col joke here.



March 13. RIP Danny Kustow. The former Tom Robinson Band guitarist died in hospital in the early hours of Monday morning. Tom says that Danny had been in a coma on life support in the Critical Care ward at Bath Royal United Hospital all weekend with double pneumonia and a liver infection, adding “But when my wife and I visited him on Sunday morning he seemed peaceful and pain-free... Everyone hoped he had a chance of pulling through, but shortly after midnight on Sunday, he went into a decline and quickly slipped away in the small hours of Monday morning.”



March 10. Our next four confirmed gigs are: BERLIN, BRIGHTON, LONDON & BRITANNY. We are also actively seeking shows in Mexico, Japan, Morecambe, Switzerland and Israel in 2020. Get in touch if you want us. Have band will travel! (Stage-cock optional.)



High on diesel fumes and his own publicity Fat Col has sensationally SACKED the Gonads USA from his 18 Stone Of Dynamite album, saying that only Mark McMighty – “the greatest unrecognised lead guitarist in England” – is “good enough” to grace the project with his “six string splendour”. Inspired by the MoD’s surprise endorsement, Col has taken to referring to the project as a “pure punk for row people rock oi-pera” which he nicknames “Ciggy Beergut & The Idlers in Bras”. Gawd help us.



Mutant Scum’s self-titled debut album is out now on coloured vinyl from Handstand Records. The NY wasters describe their sound as “sludgy, metallic punk played by mutant-human hybrids spawned from the Brooklyn sewers. The gatefold sleeve comes with full-colour artwork by James Callahan at Barf Comics. LP includes digital download and is limited to 533 copies.



March 9. Great news! Fat Col’s album will be financially backed by the Ministry Of Delusion. A spokesman for the mysterious but wealthy organisation stated that Gannon is “an iconic figure who already exists halfway between reality and full-on invention”, adding that Col is “the Ziggy Stardust of the Brexit and beer-gut generation”. This is a rare terrestrial departure for the MoD who spend most of their time liaising with Elon Musk about putting on a pay-per-view Oi concert on Mars and working with psychics to “extend the empire of Oi into the afterlife”. Col, faking humility, has thanked the Ministry and graciously allows us to publish the full track listing for his album:



Side A: 1. 18 Stone of Dynamite 2. Richie Is A Rocker 3. Go On, Go On, Go On 4. She Wants It (She Needs It) 5. Pitta Me 6. Abandon Hope



Side B: 7. Spank Me, Sarah 8. Sandie’s Sure 9. Compatibility Shag (Let’s Just Try) 10. Wife Number Three 11. You Go On Top I’m Knackered 12. Small Faeces



March 8. Oi chaps, Gal’s 3,000 word Business tribute is in the latest issue of Vive Le Rock, which also contains a large celebration of the 40th anniversary of 2-Tone. Anyone missing Street Sounds should be advised that back issues of SS #1 to #17 are now available from our shop page.

*RECORD News: the Brassknuckle Boys are back with their ‘Five On One’ EP, “three new songs and a left-field cover”, on vinyl from Oi! The Boat... and NYC’s Lvger have a six-song 12inch maxi EP out later this month.



*PRANKSTER alert: Dustbin Dancing will be revived at this weekend’s South Wales gathering. Brethren are reminded to bring their own dustbins as supplies are still depleted after the great Barry Island Bin Robbery of 2015. Kazoos will be provided.



March 7. Richie Rocker contacts us in response to Waistrel’s demand that all band members have Gonads tattoos. “The obvious place to have one would be on the old Hampton,” he says sagely. “When at rest it could spell Goa, and when aroused it would spell GONADS!!” except in the case of Fat Col where it will spell Go when aroused, and Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) whose tatt would surely spell: The Magnificent Gonads, Peace Artists, England. Where Wattsie should have hers is another matter. We’d need to see some pictures...



Richie has no issue with Col’s Richie Is A Rocker tribute song “as long as it can’t be misconstrued and people think I’ve replaced Wattsie in his affections! I mean those lyrics are open to interpretation, and the last thing Oi needs is Col pleading for some back door action.” We replied: “Given the state of Col’s “back door” the only action he’s likely to be offered is a hose down” to which Richie snorted “I dread to think whose hose!”



Here’s Beki Bondage in action in Guildford, taken by our mate Charlie. Not quite the ‘Beki Bondage Hot Guildford Action’ we had in mind, but he means well.



March 2. It was the traditional Gonads curry session last night. Many pints of Munich lager were sunk, much murgh was munched and several important issues were raised. Session chairman Paul SkaNad was assigned the task of organising a mini-tour of Mexico next year. A firm offer of a 22-date UK tour this Autumn was rejected as “impractical” by Miss Management and her decision was ratified by the three band members present who constituted a quorum (or would have done had they been sober). Labour loving Wattsie Watts announced that she has finally seen through Corbyn. And at the climax, Paul read out a fresh decree from Lord Waistrel which stated that “to prove their loyalty” ALL band members must have a Gonads tattoo. A concerned Wattsie asked where she should have hers. So we’ve opened a suggestion box... and banned Fat Col from contributing ideas.



March 1. On Wednesday Gal posted this: ‘Book news! My new sixties-set London crime novel is due to be published in May. The fourth Harry Tyler novel will follow next year, and I should be able to announce a couple of other book developments in a few weeks time. Thanks for your patience!’ You can follow breaking news on this page. But we can exclusively reveal that the “book developments” are likely to be updated editions of Time For Action and Dance Craze – his books on New Mod and 2-Tone, both of which celebrate their fortieth anniversaries this year. More news when we have it.



Record Noos: Youth Of Today have rushed out a 7inch single called One Night Stand. It’s limited to 1000 on magenta vinyl and is their version of the Paul Anka song recorded by The Partridge Family... Philadelphia mayhem merchants Devil Master have released their debut album Satan Spits On Children Of Light via Relapse Records, it’s punk meets black metal in the fiery pits of Hades! LP includes digital download and poster... Infa Riot’s Still Out Of Order LP has been repressed on vinyl by Spain’s Daily Records... no word on Sound & Fury.



Mod news: Le Beat Bespoke weekender (19-21/4) features a UK exclusive screening of Pushin Too Hard, the movie that tells the story of garage rock legends THE SEEDS who will perform LIVE after the film on the Saturday. Other headliners are DADDY LONG LEGS (USA) and THE JACKETS (CH). Support from London bands Green Seagull, The Future Shape Of Sound and Billy Childish’s son’s band The Shadracks. From 11pm when the live acts finish the clubbing starts with a dynamic International DJ line-up playing 100% vintage vinyl until dawn. Le Beat Bespoke organisers have also collaborated with two fashion exhibitions about the ‘birth of the cool’ in this country. Both exhibitions feature fashion and design icons MARY QUANT and TERENCE CONRAN. The free all-dayer sees THE JACK CADES & THE HECK playing live plus DJs, a vintage market & record fair. Details here.



Feb 28. Fat Col has penned another fistful of filth for his debut album, including ­– ‘Richie Is A Rocker’ (a full-tilt hardcore thrash that “rattles the gates of heaven” with its fiery passion), ‘Go On, Go On, Go On (Just Shag Me Once... ) which is “glam-punk” and a heartfelt plea to an unnamed chanteuse, ‘Fist Orders’ (an angry anthem that calls for round-dodgers such as Lee Wilson, Spizz and Scoops to be physically ejected from pubs and “battered on the cobbles”), and ‘Sandie’s Tour’ which celebrates the American Gonads and their “heroic struggle against Satan in a skirt”. Col reckons a pal of a pal has asked Tony Visconti to produce it and the living legend is “considering it” rather like you might “consider” wading through a sewer.



And now a new and potentially libellous and offensive semi-regular feature – ‘Your problems answered’ by leading relationship expert the Bitch. Reader one writes: ‘Dear Bitch, the drummer in my band lives hundreds of miles from the rest of us which makes rehearsals very difficult and when he does turn up the idle bastard never wants to do much work. He also refuses to do half the gigs we are offered. What should we do? Yours Mr X’. The Bitch replies: Dear Mr X, I don’t know this man but I imagine him to be overweight and indolent with a big mouth, unpleasant freckles and too much body hair. He’s either in the band or he ain’t and if he’s fucking things up FUCK HIM ORFF.



Problem 2. ‘Dear Bitch, I have been in love with a certain singer for many years. She knows how I feel and even though I am loyal and respectful she gives me nothing but cheap abuse. What should I do? Yours, ‘C’ of Plumstead’. The Bitch replies: ‘My poor C, you are wasting your time with this diva. If she don’t want to fuck you baby, FUCK HER ORFF!



Problem 3. ‘Dear Bitch, I am the Prime Minister of a proud island nation and am trying to negotiate our independence from a corrupt, dictatorial power bloc who refuse to negotiate. I am also being sabotaged by quisling MPs and cabinet members. What should I do? Yours T’. The Bitch replies: ‘Dear Theresa. Fuck ’em all ORFF. Then fuck orff yourself you useless waste of DNA.’ (Thank you Bitch. That was most helpful – Absolutely no-one)

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