Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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April 25. High drama tonight as Miss Management and her allies boycotted the Gonads curry meet in protest at Waistrel’s unbending demands. Consequently, the peace deal has not been signed. However, a quorum of the willing was quickly established and the three Gonads present voted to approve a pro-Waistrel agenda committing the band to: no acoustic Christmas show and no new tracks for any compilation album. They also voted to veto a suggested ‘Evening with’ combination of Gal’s one-man show and the acoustic set, and agreed not to play political gigs – not even for the PPGB. Our insider tells us, “This shock unanimous vote to support Waistrel undermines Miss M’s bargaining position and effectively kills off the acoustic Gonads for good.” Vital discussions about merchandising and the proposed 21st century ‘Worst of’ Gonads comp were put on hold, but the meeting voted in favour of Gal’s SkaNads album, working title Loonstompers 2, and agreed to investigate a proposal to move Nads HQ to beautiful downtown Gravesend.
April 24. Lord Waistrel was last night accused of undermining the peace agreement with a series of public demands that appeared to breach the negotiated settlement, including a call to dissolve the acoustic Gonads and restrict future releases to one new studio album and a 21st century ‘Worst of’ compilation. An anonymous source close to Waistrel’s Idle Manor HQ whispered, “’Is Lordship ’as sensed weakness and is going hin for the kill.” Waistrel also demanded that the PRCC reduce its meets to a maximum of eight “elite” attendees. But a furious PRCC spokeswoman told GB News: “Waistrel has never attended a Curry Club meet and has no authority over it – he needs to butt out.” At its peak, the club is known to have assembled up to thirty revelers and to have staged meets everywhere from Tunbridge Wells to Los Angeles. Its only affiliation is to streetpunk worldwide.
April 23. The Punk Rock Curry Club (PRCC) celebrating St George’s Day tonight in southeast London. Gal represented the Gonads alone as the rest of the band were “saving themselves for Friday”. Lightweights!
April 20. Blog update. Peace in our times! Lord Waistrel and Miss Management met unexpectedly yesterday and thrashed out a painful settlement. The seven-point deal, which will be officially sealed on Friday, brings good news – the blog will continue! And bad news – but only if we eliminate “misinformation and poor taste jokes”. Here are the details: 1) Waistrel has given us permission to release a ‘The Way We Were: 1977 – 79’ album (more details below). 2) The two confirmed 2025 Gonads gigs – Rebellion and Punk & Disorderly are still on, despite Waistrel telling Miss M, “Your business plan is to lose money!” Gigs his Lordship deems frivolous remain banned. 3) Waistrel floated a proposed 21st Century Gonads compilation while Miss M revealed that Gal is working on new material for FOUR studio albums; there were no objections. But Waistrel did veto a proposed Bert & Col EP. 4) Sadly, for logistical reasons, we are unlikely to have a new finished song available for inclusion on Oi 45. 5) No agreement has yet been reached on Waistrel’s demand for the restoration of flag girls. 6) Plans for a Gonads annual have been put on hold, but new metal badges will be commissioned. 7) New blog entries will be severely cut-back; Waistrel is installing his Canadian enforcer, aka The Velvet Thug (an MMA fighter and semi-professional Mel Torme impersonator), to police all future blog entries and “scale back on the nonsense”. The deal was generally well-received, except by Fat Col who immediately condemned it as “a total sell-out, the blog without misinformation and poor taste jokes is not the blog at all.” (Hear, hear – Blog Monkeys Union).
Here are more details. 1) The original plan was for ‘The Way We Were: 1977 – 79’ to feature ancient original but cleaned-up recordings from the Gonads’ earliest live sets and demoes. But this idea hit a major snag because, although Fat Col does have the tapes, it would cost too much to restore them. The new plan is for the band to re-record all those great old songs from the Lads Of The Village days and include rare and unreleased extras. Gonads Verify confirm that the tracks will include Red Army, Antigalican Last Bell, Whelks, Sammy Bartram’s Shorts, Run Run Run, JR Ewing’s Barmy Army, Saying Goodbye To His Horse, Clouds and a cover of Harry McClintock’s Hallelujah! I’m A Bum. Clyde Ward is also working on restoring the original 1979 recording of Ripper’s Delight, which would have been our second single. Gonads Verify add that the album will be the band’s next full-length release but add the slightly worrying caveat that “There is no deadline for the project”. 2) The new studio albums would include a 2026 Gonads album, and fresh full-length from the SkaNads, Prole, DMG and the Orgasm Guerrillas which would bring the band’s album release total to 16, not including compilations and live albums. 3) Waistrel is keen for Gal to do more one-man shows; his first, last week, was successful and Gal is “very open” to doing more; he has also finished the fifth Harry Tyler novel, which is scheduled for a summer release.
NEWS UPDATE: While we were off, Waistrel’s lawyers moved swiftly to shut down another fake ‘Real Gonads’ site that was operating from Sierra Leone, but not before this disreputable operation had published scurrilous stories like:
*Shock as Aliens ABDUCT Wattsie Watts from south London street in broad daylight!
*MEGHAN Markle to be Gonads FLAG GIRL!
*Aliens who abducted Wattsie RETURN her after three hours complaining of headaches.
*Excess Red Wine made Moderate Essex Man a RABID Right-winger – “I had five bottles of Merlot and woke up foaming at the wossname and singing the Horst Wessel,” admits shaken and bewildered victim.
*Hell’s Bells! Waistrel outbids Trump and Putin to buy the DEVIL’S soul – His Satanic Majesty will be wholly owned by Waistrel Enterprises PLC (UK).
*Hell’s Belles! ITV’s Love Island to launch Gonads-themed special featuring all the women named in ‘sick’ Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda song and their legal teams.
*Hearing aids proposal “not recognised in law”, rules Supreme Court.
*Did Wattsie Watts lead the storming of the Capitol? New evidence “incontestable” says Sunday Times investigation.
*Full list of women lost to UK Sub Charlie Harper includes Fanny Craddock, Rita Webb and Labour cabinet minister, says source.
*Does reading Vive Le Rock cause dementia?
*The ‘numbers in Maggie’s little book’ sung about by Infa Riot include the former Prime Minister’s personal ratings of Lee Wilson’s dress sense, singing voice, bedtime skills and grasp of pub etiquette. Westminster archivist reveals, “Her scores were pretty consistent – Zero, zero, zero and minus 32”. (Thank gawd Waistrel has put a stop to this cobblers – Ed).
April 19. Stop Press: Our old email address, waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk is no longer functioning after a hostile cyber-attack. We will replace it soon.
