Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Aug 30. An ashen-faced Effete El was spotted looking lost and hopeless in Charlton Village today. When we asked what was wrong, he replied simply, “It’s Ganymede. It’s gone.” We were about to ask ‘what’s Ganymede?’ but by then he’d gone too. Odd, or what?
Aug 29. If you’re coming to Berlin for Punk’s Not Dead on 19th September, we are on stage at 22.40 for at least 45 minutes of farewell mayhem. It is officially the Gonads’ Last Show Ever. Seriously. All good things, and all that…
Aug 27. Our man inside the great Pranksters’ bank holiday weekender reports that the three-day event in That East Sussex Place was “a triumph of old-school variety” including a number of acts that were “either dazzling or baffling, or sometimes both”. Among their ranks were rope-spinners, clog-dancers, card manipulators, a comedy boxing double act, knife throwers, marrow-growers, acrobats, trick cyclists, Eloise (the self-styled “queen of the striptease”), sand dancers, Cockney chancers, the so-called Mad Earl aka “the Baron O’Banter”, Jethro’s Shanty Squad (a Cornish folk trio), Bacon Joe (a tribute act devoted to the now forgotten Jewish comedian Joe Bacon), blue comic Arthur Ardon (catchphrase “the size of it!”), Proudhon’s People (an anarchist dance troupe in the mould of Pan’s People who pranced about in their pants to dance remixes of Crass songs, shaking A to Big A, Little A) Lainey Logan “the Liverpool lasso lass”, and, to lower the tone, Dirty Rob whose stand-up act makes Jimmy Carr sound like Mary Whitehouse. “He must chew glass to keep his tongue so sharp,” gasped senior Prankster Old Eric. Outside events including axe-throwing, tractor tug o’war, clown assemblies, competitive eating, ultra-competitive beer drinking, penny farthing races, Morris dancing and “a politically incorrect Punch & Judy act”. Pathetique tai chi classes were also available for the elderly. Our eye-witness says, “The whole farm was festooned with the flags of St George, St Andrew, St David, St Patrick and St Piran, along with the Union flag and the Ulster banner. It was a joy to behold.” Whispers of a collecting box circulating for ERA (the English Revolutionary Army – Ed) were dismissed as propaganda by the most worshipful Terence Hayes, PM. On Sunday a fibreglass statue of John King was raised in honour of the author’s commitment to working class writers, punk rock and variety turns. Finally on Monday evening, an effigy of Sir Keir Starmer was set alight, to the now traditional chorus of unprintable seditious sentiments. And then as the embers dimmed, it was over. To order brethren. Step off with the left foot. Next stop That Essex Place. So mote it be.
Aug 23. Swift and decisive legal action from Wattsie’s lawyers Sue, Harde & Leggett has put a premature end to the proposed Wattsie Watts conspiracy app – “a gross invasion of privacy” according to leading partner Harold Harde. Unperturbed Albie Farragut Jr is already working on his next “groundbreaking” product: the Gonads sausage. “It is being market researched with countrywide taste tests even as we speak,” says his glamorous ball-busting PA Melanie M. Manetta. “Gonads sausage was truly appreciated by female volunteers in Blackpool, although women in Catford would have liked it a bit thicker. Generally speaking, housewife volunteers in Swindon welcomed the sausage, although a Leicester lass complained the one that she received was ‘too salty’ and ‘didn’t last long enough’. In contrast two Birmingham barmaids were bowled over by the meaty banger’s ‘tasty juices’ which they said made consuming it all the way a pleasure.” Melanie added, “I can’t wait to experience this prime pork delight in the privacy of my own home. I am quite a connoisseur of the sausage. I like to sink my teeth gently into the skin around the tip and savour the taste before really going for it. The thicker the meat, the wider the smile. I suspect that one will not be enough to satisfy my hunger.” The official Gonad sausage prototype has been created by Gal with the assistance of Butcher Dan. Melanie assures us the long-promised Gonads Ruby has not been forgotten.
In other news, Gal is actively working on the great Gonads annual for a 2027 50th anniversary publication. Fit Bird tells us he consulted with a book company and cartoonists in London yesterday.
Aug 21. Ahead of the Jolly Pranksters bank holiday gathering in That East Sussex Place, we can exclusively reveal the latest developments in the shock Wossname scandal we previously alluded to. At first, our reporter, J.J. Hunsecker, discovered that the brethren’s internal communication system, the encrypted Wossname app, had been infiltrated by SO15. The state agents found evidence of cigarette trafficking, duty-free Paulaner shipments, counterfeit Butcher Dan pies, and a roaring trade in back issues of Penthouse magazine. So far, so serious. But Hunsecker further discovered that Wossname was not a conventional application. In true Prankster-style, the so-called app was actually a nationwide network of pigeons who passed secret messages back-and-forth from lodge to lodge and region to region. Furthermore, having realised what SO15 were up to, the brotherhood’s internal police unit, headed by security chief Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) and Gurkha (New Tucker’s Ruckers), then stitched them up spectacularly with a series of fake messages that led to armed agents raiding the Front Cloth Club near Tingewick, Bucks. Whispers our source: “They were expecting to find a meeting of the militant anarchist English Revolutionary Army [the alleged armed wing of the ELF – Ed]). Instead, they stumbled into an old-fashioned stag show where Miss Annie Flanagan, a stripping contortionist known as ‘the pride of Gawcott’, was reaching the crucial climax of her performance. The red-faced leading agent was hit full in the face by a series of ping pong balls ejected from her powerful nether regions, and another agent’s weapon discharged prematurely. To save SO15’s blushes, the leading agent agreed to close down the investigation in return for the brethren giving them a fall-gay.” And who was that fall-guy? “An ashen-faced Terence Hayes PM claimed that the brotherhood’s own internal investigation pinned the blame for the black-market trading entirely on a certain C. Gannon, who has now gone into hiding (up a tree, outside Wattsie’s place in Welling).” Blimey.
Aug 18. Out now! Issue 12 of John King’s Verbal which features a lengthy interview with Pete “Esso” Hayes as well as fiction and poetry from the likes of Michael Moorcock, Jonny Wah Wah and many more. Available from john-king-author.co.uk
Breaking news: Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa of the American Gonads claims the US band were also supposed to play Rebellion “but some hired thug from England made Tripod and Fat-Matt disappear! Please investigate.” Sporrell is on the case.
Aug 17. Gal, as previously noted, has always been absent-minded – he famously forgot co-writing a whole album (Oral Sex by leather-clad, whip-wielding all-girl rockers Oral) with Steve Kent in 1985. It was a complete shock to him when it was seized on by US hard rock and metal fans and re-released on vinyl in 2013. So it’s no surprise that yet more forgotten Gonads songs have come to light. To wit – Sex Kebab (from 1982) and Aussie Kiss (from 1977); both antique ditties written by Gal and completely forgotten. Cassette tapes of both are now somehow in the possession of Fat Col who claims to have paid for the recordings. “What’s an Aussie kiss?” asks a passing Fit Bird. “It’s like a French one, but ‘down under’,” replied Col to her intense disgust.
In a week of shocks, it’s a pleasure to get back to the normal blog cobblers. What, asks one avid reader, does the proposed Wattsie Watts gaming app consists of? According to our source close to Albie Farragut Jnr, it essentially invites users to bet on how long la belle Shona can speak to someone before dropping an eye-poppingly bonkers conspiracy theory into the conversation (historically any time between five seconds and ten minutes – Ed). Her conversations will be filmed secretly and gamers will then place bets on the countdown to the rabbit hole.
In other news, we hear that a fresh scandal has hit the Jolly Pranksters. More details when we can pry them out of a high-ranking anonymous insider (Effete El). Two pints of wallop should do it.
Aug 13. Finally, it’s time for Ask Gal Anything…
Q. Why are the band stopping live gigs after Berlin, is this another wind-up? A. It’s not a wind-up. When we stopped playing club gigs last year, we said we would only play festivals and special events. But since then, my hearing has deteriorated. Every rehearsal we do causes more damage. It’s not all Gentleman John’s fault, but nobody else would whack their amp up to eleven to rehearse in a room the size of a broom cupboard.
Q. You played a lot of classic early Gonads songs at Rebellion, but why not Sandra Bigg, Really Big, Lager Louts and Eat The Rich? A. We played a 40-minute set in a 35-minute slot. Without a magic boomerang to freeze time, there was no room for anything else.
Q. What Gonads songs would you have done if you’d had an hour set? A. Definitely Rob A Bank and Oblivion. Lager Louts. Beer Can, Getting Pissed and The Drinking Song make me smile, C’mon Motherfucker and Valhallaballoo are proper bangers... We played Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees at the 100 Club. Knowing us we’d have tried to squeeze an 80-minute set into an hour.
Q. If you could have married any woman in our scene back in the day, who would it have been? A. Blimey. Beki? No pain, no gain. Pauline Black? I wouldn’t have survived the honeymoon. Sandra Bigg, really big, obviously.
Q. Would you consider doing a proper Dirty Metal Gonads full-on rock show sometime. A. I don’t think I could risk it for the same reason I’m stopping normal shows. But I’d like to see it happen if we could get the right singer. Is Phil Mogg busy?
Q. Will the Garry Bushell Experience play live? A. The band don’t exist yet. What I’d like to do and what is practical are two different things.
Q. What has happened to the long-mooted Gonads annual? A. It’s not been forgotten. Hopefully it will be one other things we do to celebrate our 50 years of failure in 2027 if we make it that far. I need to find the right cartoonist for parts of. Just because I’m stopping live Gonads shows doesn’t mean we’ll stop recording.
Q. Why aren’t the Gonads on the Oi 45 comp? A. Because we haven’t had the time to record any of the new songs. It’s a shame, but at the moment we haven’t even got a studio. RIP Pat.
Q. What about the next Sounds Of Glory volumes? And when is the Harry Tyler book out? A. Same problem. I just haven’t had the time to put the SoG books together. I’m working 55-hour weeks every week. Sometimes more. Things have to give. The Harry Tyler book should be out now but there was a problem with the cover quality, so it is being reprinted now.
Q. What is your proudest sporting achievement? A. (laughing) I’ve never been asked that before! It’s hard to surpass my two rounds with world welterweight champion Lloyd Honeyghan in December 1986 but other than that I beat Paul ‘Stalin of Style’ Hallam 10 – 1 at table football, and remain undisputed crazy golf champion of Pinellas County, Florida, in a small but competitive field. Next stop, crown bowls. PS. The Gonads Quasar team has never been defeated.
Q. Why haven’t you ever played the Great Skinhead Reunion gig? A. We were going to play one year but we had to pull out for medical reasons. **** was shagging a nurse.
Aug 12. Here is the set-list from Saturday: The Coming. Lager Top. Jobs Not Jails. Skinhead Girl. SE7 Dole Day. Buy Me A Drink, You Bastard (dedicated to Lee Wilson and Spizz). Oi Mate. Alconaut (dedicated to JJ Bedsore). It’s A Yeti. I Lost My Love To A UK Sub. Tucker’s Ruckers. Go Mad With The Gonads. Punk Rock Will Never Die/Joys Of Oi (dedicated to Jock MacDonald). Hey You. Dori Cameron of the American Gonads, pictured here with Gal, joined us for UK Sub. The future of the Gonads legacy will soon lay firmly in American hands.
Aug 11. Here are some pretty pictures of Saturday’s show. To the audience, the organisers, the blinding stage crew and the hard-pressed bar staff: Cheers! We salute you!
Aug 10. And so it happened. Last night, Gal channeled David Bowie at Hammersmith Odeon and told a huge and spirited Rebellion audience: “Not only is it the penultimate show of the year, it’s also the penultimate show we will ever play.” Shocked fans (and band members) cried “No!”, “Please no” and one, channelling Kenneth Williams, “Stop messing about!” But this was no joke. After Berlin, the Gonads are finally over. After 48 years of glorious failure. Look back here soon for the reasons behind this heart-breaking development in the next Ask Gal Anything.
Aug 8. STOP PRESS. We play Rebellion tomorrow. 6.35 – 7.10 on the Arena stage. Don’t miss it! Gal is threatening to make “a historic statement” at around about 7pm.
The worst thing about our 35-minute slot? We’ve rehearsed a 40-minute set…
News in brief: Senior Jolly Pranksters call for Batttttty-Fest to become an annual event…they also back Gal’s campaign to embrace “variety, vaudeville, Modal jazz and pathetique surrealism” – condemned as “suicidal” by rest of band... and Albie Farragut Jnr is “considering” launching a deluxe range of Gonads merch including an “exclusive Wattsie Watts” gaming app – details to follow…
Aug 4. With just 57 days until this blog closes permanently, we are sorry to confirm rumours of a huge fall-out within the band at rehearsals yesterday. Eye-witnesses report that the trouble began when Gal started insisting on booking a chorus line of Tiller-Girls-style dancers and a semi-professional fire-eater to join the Gonads on stage for their big Rebellion set on Saturday. There were also heated objections to his plans for guest performer Dori Cameron and Wattsie to have a “pathetique-punk stand-off” (kazoo versus spoons-playing over a Paul SkaNad kettle drum beat). Whispers our insider, “He wanted this to happen in the middle of Punk Rock Will Never Die. It was madness.” A shaken Fit Bird tells us: “Gal says everything is too regimented and risk-free and he wants to drag the band back to its free-thinking, rule-breaking, anarchic roots by adding absurd elements, bringing on variety turns and making the set list up as he goes along – like Zappa and the Grateful Dead used to do. This did not go down well.” Blimey.
Aug 1. The majority of paid blog monkeys and a battalion of freelance informants have been told to stand by for a road-trip this month to cover a major festival. Is it worth sending so many people to Blackpool, asks weeping blog accountant Ebenezer Burns. Which just shows how out of touch these fools are. The mobilisation isn’t for Rebellion but for the far bigger Battttttyfest in Ripley, Derbyshire, the following weekend, when Rock Bottom, Slagbank and Donkey Dom will play an all-thrills concert in honour of The Legendary Batttttty's 27th birthday (Is this right? – Ed).
Rumours that the Unidentified Cockney Gonads will take part are unconfirmed. The event, coordinated by local Pranksters, will include cask ales, DJs and a fly-past by the RAF Red Arrows (Can we fact check this? – Ed).
Special UFO songs improved for the occasion include Ovaltine Can Rock Me, I’m A Snoozer, Queen Of The Sleep, The Wiped The Widdling & The Incontinent, and Doctor Doctor I Need An Appointment Before 2029 (no, an effin’ app won’t do). Said our source, Effete El: “It’s the gig of the year, if not the decade.” Details here. To order, brethren.
