Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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This blog is closed indefinitely but we have hacked our way in to bring you the jaw-dropping transcript of a recent interview with Lord Waistrel, translated from an Argentinian business publication, which we have been sent and which sheds light on his Lordship’s shocking decision to close down ALL Gonads activities, including the blog.
Q. It’s an honour to meet you, your eminence. Can I ask, why are you ending the Gonads? A. Because the band are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. They have been running at a financial loss for years and frankly they have proved a disappointing investment. Let me give you an example of their incompetence. I let them negotiate their own fees for Blackpool and Berlin. It was disastrous! They will be lucky to break even in Lancashire and will run up substantial losses in Germany. Both gigs are foolish commitments. Nobody can expect me to finance the poor decisions of these frivolous twerps for a moment longer. Serious bands need serious planning. How can you expect a professional musician such as young Clyde Ward to work for peanuts? It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Q. Are they your only complaints about the band? A. No. They also have an abysmal attitude to merchandising, either failing to take it to concerts or getting fall-down drunk and leaving it behind in venues. I have no time for people who put their own decadent pursuits over professionalism.
Q. Is this the end of the band? A. I am not convinced that a ‘band’ is the way forward. In the long term, it is my belief that actual gigs will be superseded by more profitable operations such as computer animations, NFT films, limited cinematic releases, performance art and neo-surrealism.
Q. But in the short term, would you allow the Gonads to come back with different personnel? A. It is certainly true that band membership has changed significantly over the years. At least 69 musicians have passed through our ranks, and there have only been a few occasions when I’ve had to have Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) kneecap anyone. However, record sales and performance fees have steadily declined and I find the current band’s obsession with ‘retro punk’ highly illogical. Musicians who don’t progress wither away. I say, aim high or don’t bother. Why not work with a jazz combo or a string quartet? I know just the women, beautiful, sophisticated ladies from the Emma DuPont School of Etiquette without a single Gillingham football scarf between them. Frankly I am keener on hearing a part-orchestrated, semi-operatic, electro-rock Orgasm Guerrillas debut album or the McMighty project than yet another shout-along punk effort that sells a pitiful 2,000 CDs and barely covers production costs.
Q. How has your decision gone down with fans? A. I have had death threats and insults from the feeble-minded and a handwritten letter of support from His Royal Highness, King Charles III, may his ears never stop flapping.
Q. So will the Curry On Up The Gonads film and the planned Gonads sitcom pilot now be axed? A. No. I refer you to my earlier answer. Both projects are part of the envisaged multi-media future and could and should go ahead, as long as I am in complete control of the production.
Q. What are your greatest weaknesses? A. People say I’m too generous but I openly confess that my greatest weaknesses are blondes, buxom barmaids, brunettes, bondage, and buckets of Bolinger top. When I relax, I often lay back and contemplate the bucolic beauty of Miss Management. (Tape becomes indecipherable for about ninety seconds).
Q. How do you feel about your international jet-set life? A. Jubilant. My carbon footprint is enormous, almost as big as China’s. Beat that, Bezos! But in my defence, I have also extended the ancient woodlands on my estate with scores of oak trees. Oaks are the proud emblem of the Waistrel clan whose motto is “Libertatem vel Mortem”.
Q. Will you ever return to politics? A. I think not. A strange sense of the divine has swept over me of late. There was no Damascene revelation, but since holidaying with my friend the Donald, I have realised that I am in fact the new messiah, a bringer of change and optimism for the masses who I hope never to meet. This means I should be formally worshipped by all honest English men and paid lip service by their womenfolk.
Q. What song sums you up? A. What Do You Want If You Don’t Want Money by Adam Faith.
Q Your favourite piece of music and favourite Gonads song? A. Der Ring des Nibelungen and British Steel.
Q. Favourite book? A. The Fountainhead. Q. Favourite film? A. Dirty Harry. Q. Your screen hero? Henry F. Potter.
Q. What’s making you happiest at the moment? A. The smile on the face of my new kitty – so alive and engaged in the excitement of her new world. She sits her A levels this summer.
Q. What do you wish you’d known earlier in life? A. That a way to a woman’s heart is with a £75K engagement ring concealed within a hearing aid box.
Q. What’s the best advice you were ever given. A. Never eat yellow snow.
Q. What advice would you give? A. Always have band B. And band C.
Feb 22. This blog is closed, perhaps permanently. Last night the blog monkeys’ union (UBM) took wildcat strike action in protest against impending staff and budget cuts, and Lord Waistrel promptly sacked the lot them. That’s all, folks.
Feb 21. Fears are rising that this blog is facing permanent closure as Lord Waistrel is demanding major cuts to band expenditure with the backing of his friend and advisor Elon Musk. Since returning from Mar-a-Lago last week, Waistrel has AXED the band’s recording budget for this year, WITHDRAWN funding for Gal’s Big 70th Birthday Bash, PLACED the ‘when Garry met Carrie’ oi-tone project on hold, SACKED Trotsky from the American Gonads, REPLACED Scrotum (his Wrinkled Retainer) with a garden gnome and CANCELLED a planned follow-up compilation to 1983’s The Beerdrop Explodes. Our anonymous Waistrel insider tells us, “It’s extremely likely that his Lordship will slash the budget for the blog as well as he is known to view it as ‘a rats’ nest of fake news and socialistic malfeasance’. He has pushed the Orgasm Guerrillas album back to 2026 too.” The top-secret mole (Effete El) tells us, “Waistrel is so in thrall to Musk he has even started walking around Idle Manor with his son on his shoulders, the difference being young Archibald is 87.” He went on, “Gal and Wattsie are the only ones who can talk sense into the good Lord but both are confined to their respective barracks. Wattsie is under the weather and Gal is riddled with unknown viruses and is in the grip of the so-called ‘Black Dog’ of chronic depression and won’t even answer the phone to anyone.” Blimey. He added, “We have reached out to Terence Hayes, PM, and begged him to intervene. He is the only Prankster of grand rank who has his Lordship’s ear. I’ll be calling John King tomorrow for the PPGB’s input.” An emergency meeting of the blog monkeys’ union (UBM) this afternoon called for arbitration and will vote on industrial action later today. An ashen-faced blog sub-editor writes, “We have run some scare stories in the past, and we apologise for that, but this one is entirely serious. Help!” Double blimey.
Feb 20. Have Green Day stolen our idea for a punk rock comedy movie? Our sources in LA say “some people in the industry here believe this is not just a coincidence”. Regular readers will recall that Gal and Clyde spent a week filming Curry On Up The Gonads in LA in 2017 with Sandie West (Hollywood’s best). Unfortunately, the making of this raucous black comedy about our late 90s years ended with “a complete breakdown” in communication and trust between Gal and Sandie who a) rifled his suitcase b) added ridiculous scenes to the script and c) crippled him for life when her promise of “a luxury Air b&b” turned out to be a “piss-poor” blow-up bed in her spa shop (see 2017 blog entries for the entire shocking story, poor Clyde was left acting as the peacekeeper). Last week it emerged that Green Day are making a raucous black comedy film called New Years Rev about their late 90s years, produced by Live Nation, written and directed by Lee Kirk with Billie Joe and the boys listed among the producers. So far, the cast includes Mason Thames, Kyle Coffman, Ryan Foust, Jenna Fischer, Angela Kinsey, Ignacio Diaz-Silverio, and Keen Ruffalo. Just as we filmed gigs with the American Gonads and staged all-female water fountain fight, Green Day are shooting an outdoor concert scene in Oklahoma City next week with punks, skins and emos taking part in a “rain and mud fight”. Speaking for the Gonads, our legal department (The Beast) tells the blog “We are sitting back to see how this develops. It could of course be parallel thinking. However, if their film includes scenes where the world’s fattest homeless guy asks Tre Cool for a bite of his burger, and/or features a small cock-blocking guitarist, and/or the band are arrested and imprisoned, our American associates may well be looking at a class action suit.” Blimey.
All our love to Wattsie. Get well soon. We miss you!
Rumours and whispers: We’re hearing talk of a possible collaboration between Gal and Carrie Griffiths, produced by Clyde, but nobody is confirming it… the Punchdrunk Saints are teasing a possible 100 Club gig… John Lydon has started working on a “raucous” new PiL album which he tells us the band will finish writing on their soon-come UK tour.
Feb 19. Time for another round of Ask Gal Anything. Q. Has your mood improved? – anonymous band member. A. No, fuck off. Q. Did you really write a song called Throbber and if so can you describe it and when will you release it? – Disgusted of Welling. A. Yes. Loud. Never. Q. Have you got any plans to return to the USA this year? – the American Gonads. A. Nothing confirmed, but Clyde will be out there soon looking at possibilities. I’d like to hook up with the American Gonads again, largely because Tippy owes me money.
Feb 18. So sad to hear we’ve lost Rick Buckler, a terrific drummer, a fine man and a good friend to two of us. Gal told the blog, “Rick was the nicest bloke from one of the greatest bands to come out of punk, The Jam. Sleep well, mate.”
Feb 17. We are forced to officially deny “ridiculous” rumours that Gal will be ‘taking his one-man-show to the White House after the planned Los Angeles launch later this year’. A tight-lipped Fit Bird calls this “ridiculous fake news worthy of one of the discredited websites we had to shut down”. She added that the LA show is “just a tempting possibility, there are no dates penciled in”. Yet.
Feb 17. Rumours abound that Gal will be taking his one-man-show to the White House after the planned LA launch later this year. A tight-lipped Fit Bird dismisses the story as “idle speculation” but she seems to know a hell of a lot about the size of the Red Room and how close a performer would be to the audience….
Feb 15. Great news #1. Gal tells us that earlier today he finished writing the new Harry Tyler novel, the fifth in the series. He says he intends to read it through one more time to double check every last detail before he sends it on to the publisher, crime noir specialists Caffeine Nights.
Great news #2. If you can’t wait until the Autumn, Gal also has a short story called Pretty In Pinky published in John King’s latest Verbal fanzine. Verbal is a small-press publication that John edits and publishes which is dedicated to new fiction from outside the mainstream. Each issue includes short stories and a focus interview with a contemporary author, plus occasional artwork, lyrics and non-fiction. The new one, issue 11 includes Iain Sinclair on London, and fiction from Gal, Michael Moorcock, Martin Knight, Koushik Banerjea, Kenny Moore, Kevin Tosca. The Talking Books section has Tali Chilson on the Jewish anarchist fiction of London’s East End. Plus Dickens by Craig Morriss and lyrics from Andy Town and Steve Potts. Verbal is available to buy direct from the king himself here.
Feb 14. Happy Valentine’s Day? Not for long-suffering Wattsie. Once again, this sweet-natured cultured woman has received her traditional/tiresome Valentine’s card from the caddish Fat Col. And yet again the poem inside reads: ‘Oi, Shon’, I’d like to sleep with you, like all those other misters/How about we get together for a threesome with your sister?’ Dear oh dear. In revenge (and in light of Gannon refusing to pay us off), we have no option but to ruin his stand-up career before it starts by printing some of the piss-poor moth-eaten ‘jokes’ from his set. Like: “I’m not a sexist. I put barmaids on a pedestal… to get a better look up their skirts.” Ouch. You want worse ones? How about, “Chinese couple in bed, the husband says, I want a 69, the wife replies You want chicken and garlic broccoli now?”, and groaners like “What’s the difference between looking for your lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for your golf ball is a hunt on a course…” There are a lot more and it doesn’t get better. So pay up Col, or get cancelled… again.
Referencing yesterday’s blog entry, Nads fanatic Diane Diller, the thriller from Anguilla, asks: ‘Is the deep mole close to Gal’s inner circle a proctologist?’. No answer came the stern reply.
Feb 13. Slippery Ted calls in with a rather cocksure attitude. “It’s a damn shame you’re no longer printing my Gal-to-quit sweepstakes,” he says, in a somewhat mocking tone, adding, “Because a new favourite has emerged from nowhere.” Who we ask, aghast? “A certain J.K. Herbert,” he replies. “Aka John King, the human punk. All the smart money is riding on the Chelsea boy.” Gulp! That one we can actually believe. Especially as, despite the official denials, one of our deep moles close to Gal’s inner circle tells us, “He’s definitely stopping all live shows after Punk & Disorderly. Ask Wattsie, she’s the only one in the band who knows.” What? Wattsie knows? Double gulp.
Meanwhile your Ask Gal Anything posers are flooding in. Here are three, drawn at random, and we apologise in advance for Gal’s grumpy attitude. Question. Is the Paris gig with the French Gonads still going to happen? – Jules Durand. A. Fucked if I know. Ask Riton! I was up for it but the night got postponed from November to December to February. If we don’t nail it down soon, it won’t happen. It’s not like I’m sitting around like a bum with nothing else to do.
Q. Will you ever revive your Rancid Sounds radio show? – Albie H. A. I’d like to, but at the moment I just haven’t got the time. Maybe when I finish working and writing the new book and sorting out the one-man show for April… and a cow jumps over the effing moon. ****s!
Q. The big one: Gal, are you really planning to stop fronting the Gonads after September? – The Gonads. A. Who knows? Who of us knows what we’re doing seven months down the line? It’s a long way off. I haven’t got a crystal ball. Have you? (More Qs & As next week – keep ’em coming!)
Feb 12. Club 77 members have joined Fit-Bird in condemning Slippery Ted’s “divisive” Gal-to-quit-the-Gonads sweepstakes. Spokesman Effete El sneers, “Gal Gonad walking out on the Gonads is about as likely as Gal giving up beer, or beef, or eating curry.” Yet still Ted issues fresh odds daily. Today’s Top 5 favourites to replace Gal are Paul ‘SkaNad’ Mummery (new entry at 2/1), Mark McMighty (holding steady at 3/1), Carrie Griffiths (4/1, down from 1/2 favourite), Steve Kent (5/1, down from 2/1) and Wattsie Watts (6/1 up from 12/1). Ted says he is also accepting bets on the Franken-Skin, currently at 100/1, and Phil Mogg at 150/1, and may well open ‘Gal to quit beer’ stakes tomorrow after “certain incriminating photographic evidence has been received from Millwall Kev”. Blimey. (That’s enough gambling. More punk, less junk – Ed).
Coming soon: Inside Fat Col’s Crazy world of Comedy – we will reproduce jokes from Col’s piss-poor stand-up routine… Unless he pays us not to! Time is ticking fat boy.
Feb 11. Honest bookie Slippery Ted tells us he has had “a flood of bets” on Mark McMighty taking over the Gonads in October, which he attributes to “insider betting”; McMighty is now 4/1 with odds shortening by the hour. Ted also reports that Chelsea Dom’s odds have lengthened to 500/1 putting him slightly behind the ghost of Winifred Atwell on 450/1, and Jenny Woo on 480/1. In other whispers we hear that Gal is in talks about taking his one-man show to Los Angeles, Las Vegas at Atlantic City in November; insiders say these more lavish gigs are expected to feature Shira Leigh and the American Gonads in some as yet undefined capacity. Blimey.
A tight-lipped Fit-Bird, herself a surprise entry at 17/1, dismissed all talk of Gal’s planned retirement as insubstantial blog hyperbole (or in her actual words “utter bollocks”). She also described talk of American dates as idle speculation and cheap gossip (“18-carat bullshit”).
PS. A belated HB to JC, currently 133/1 in Slippery Ted’s Great Gonads Stakes. (Not to be confused with Great Gonads Steaks which was Fat Col’s Plumstead eaterie until an abrupt intervention by Environmental Health Officers.)
Feb 10. Shock rumours reach us direct from the Hopper’s Hut, the omphalos of the Gonads’ empire. According to sources close to Gal, he intends to RETIRE from The Gonads entirely after Punk & Disorderly and relocate to the Algarve. But we hear he also wants the band to carry on! So who will replace him as lead singer and chief songwriter? Well-placed bookie, Slippery Ted, is offering these odds: 1/3 Carrie Griffiths, 2/1 Steve Kent, 5/1 Colin Blood, 8/1 Kid Punk, 9/1 Terry Hayes, PM, 12/1 Wattsie Watts, 20/1 Clyde Ward, 40/1 Al Barr, 50/1 opera singer Russell Watson, 60/1 webmistress Batttttty, 75/1 Eugene Butcher, 80/1 Angela Raynor, 100/1 Jo Brand, 100/1 Sandie West (Hollywood pest) and 200/1 Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor). Gossips at the Hut claim Gal has been talking about opening a shop on the Med called Knackers, Knitters & Natterers which will sell coffee, cupcakes and nick-nacks, and encourage knitting and nattering. A vision so horrible, it’s probably true.
Feb 9. You have sent us so many questions for Ask Gal Anything we’ve decided to split them up. Here are three to start with:
Question: AL of Bournemouth asks, Gal, you have been interviewed by some of the greats, Terry Wogan, Des, O’Connor, John Humphrys, Chelsea Dom – who was the toughest ? A. The one you forgot, Mrs Merton.
Q. Is the Gonads curry real or a wind-up? (Scotch John). A. No it’s real. I created it myself. We even put the recipe on the CD inner sleeve of one of our albums. We’d pitch it on Dragons’ Den but we haven’t got a sob story to go with it.
Q. When will John King be officially elevated to associate band member of the Gonads? (Ten-Ton Tony Madras). A. Probably later this month. We are arranging the ceremony right now. The venue is confirmed.
In other news Fat Col informs us that from now on he wants blog entries to refer to him as ‘His Excellency, Fat Col’ as he and his pals in the subversive Free Plumstead movement intend to take over the area and declare UDI, with Col appointed President of the breakaway Republic. He also intends to launch a one-man show of his own and get in before Gal’s one in April. Aren’t you worried about hecklers, we ask? “No,” he replies. “Every time someone tells me to fuck off I get a really profound sense of déjà vu.”
More worrying is Col’s threat to record his own version of Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda and ‘name names’. We understand that defamation lawyers are already standing by for the inevitable court cases.
Feb 5. Thanks for your Ask Gal Anything questions. Here are the first ten. They’re the usual mix of serious, scurrilous and off-the-wall. Question. Why do you tolerate Fat Col, he sounds like a blithering idiot. A. Firstly because there’s no show without Punch. Secondly because we’d need an exorcist to get shot of him.
Q. What can you tell us about the Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda song mentioned on the blog? A. That Clyde’s lyrics are completely different than mine.
Q. Is your one-man-show try-out going ahead, and will there be more of them? Answer: Very much so, we have nearly reached full capacity. If I enjoy it, I’ll do more. If I don’t enjoy it, I won’t.
Q. Will there be any small Gonads gigs this year? A. I don’t think so. We have two big festivals in 2025 and that’s it. It’d be deceitful for us to come back and do pub shows after saying the Dublin Castle show was our last one ever. We’ve already turned down one tempting offer because we thought it violated the spirit of our semi-retirement. We might be lured back by benefit gigs or special events if the right ones come along.
Q. Are there any plans for a new Gonads album before Rebellion? A. Again, I don’t think so. We have some cracking songs written but there’s no rush to record them or to release anything. I would rather wait and get everything as good as it can be rather than just rushing in like simple-minded donkeys and banging out something new for the sake of it.
Q. What can you tell us about Say What You Like? A. It will be the very last track of our very last album.
Q. If your could resurrect anyone from the Oi scene, who would it be? A. Fatty Lol.
Q. What one song do you wish you’d written? A. One? Too hard to call. There’s an album’s worth: Waterloo Sunset. Down In The Tube Station At Midnight. Jungleland. Purple Haze. Just My Imagination. Desolation Row. Complete Control. New Rose. Pretty Vacant. England Belongs To Me. Millions Like Us. Ghost Town.
Q. What do you regret? Los Angeles 1981, 1996 and 2017. Not much else though.
Q. Should the Gonads have played more gigs in the early 80s? A. Yes. And maybe we should have tried being sober in the recording studio at least once. But what can you do? No point regretting things you can’t change. (Another ten next week – Ed).
Feb 3. Buy a hat and keep this under it: an anonymous insider tells us that the investigation into the PM was instigated and controlled by a body known only as ‘The Enlightened’ which operates under the radar inside the Pranksters – that’s right, it’s a secret society inside a secret society. “They view themselves as reborn knights, the true keepers of the Prankster flame,” whispers our source. “But they’re so powerful. They have people in the BME and the PPGB, they pull the strings of Handforth Parish Council, and who do you think made Donald Trump president? Their goal is control – absolute control of the Pranksters and beyond. Their second goal is purity – to keep the ideals of the brotherhood uncontaminated. Even us Pranksters don’t use their name publicly – we just refer to them as The Big E or ‘the Kashmir Road lot’. They’re vicious. Vicious. The last person who crossed them had their head nailed to the 100 Club dressing room floor. So they can never know I told you this. If I get rumbled, they’ll ramp up the punishment and nail my head to the dressing room floor of Bedford Esquires, which is far too far for anyone to go.” Don’t worry El, your secret is safe with us. Oh hang on…
We thought Fat Col’s offer to handle the accommodation for our Berlin show in September was too good to be true. We’ve just had the itinerary through and, in very small print, it shows that he’s booked us all into three rooms of a bloody youth hostel. Worse, two of the rooms have twin beds, but room three, the honeymoon suite, is reserved for ‘Mr & Mrs Colin and Shona Gannon’, with a waterbed stipulation. A grim-faced Miss Management tells us, “Mr Gannon has been removed from both the job and the tour.”
Feb 2. Coming soon! A new edition of Ask Gal Anything! Submit questions to the usual address, pronto Tonto.
Feb 1. Great news! Fat Col tells us that he has resolved to change his ways this year and be more useful for the band. We have therefore approved his request to negotiate a test launch for the long-awaited Gonads curry on our behalf and to act as tour manager for our Blackpool and Berlin shows, handling things such as beer riders and hotel bookings. What a top bloke. What a diamond geezer.
Jan 28. Self-style blog addict Fulham Jack asks why we didn’t reproduce one intriguing story that he’d spotted on the fake Addis Ababa ‘Gonads news’ website before we had it closed. That story was: ‘Bipolar Betrayal! The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hayes’. This disturbing ‘exclusive’ claimed that our beloved PM has a split personality – sometimes he’s the respectable Dr Jekyll, but other times, after drinking various potent potions, he turns into the unreliable Mr Hayes, who forgets all of his previous mistakes and happily regurgitates them, stabbing pals and weary supporters in the back in the process. Well, we did see the story, Jack, but we couldn’t reproduce it in any detail because there are reporting restrictions in place as Mr Hayes is currently being investigated by officers from the Church Of Oi acting on behalf of the OOC (Oi Organising Committee) who may slap a lifetime ban on the great man if his worrying potion addiction continues. Similarly, we are not at liberty to confirm or deny the legitimacy of a leaked list of names said to form part of the lyrics of unreleased Gonads’ song, Shoulda Woulda Coulda, or to disclose details of the disgusting claim that the Golden Shot nearly drowned his diminutive lover Sherry Baby (“3ft 9 and keen to climb”) when he splashed out on her brand-new bedsheets – ‘Hot Shot half-drowns dwarf temptress in bedroom tsunami’ was the distasteful headline. On the plus side, at least no new fake news sites appear to have opened since the weekend.
Jan 26. Because you asked for them, here are the fake news headlines from the Addis Adiba website, GoGoGonadsNews.biz, which was closed down this morning: ‘Rosemary’s baby – I was Gonads US groupie, now I want Wattsie’s job’, 'Splash Out! Golden Shot charged after CSI team disprove “burst water bed” alibi’, ‘Charlie Harper caught in fake Monkey Glands sting – ageing punk star, 97, tricked into drinking blended goat colon’, ‘JC – I bedded midget barmaid and got caught short’, ‘Starmer to give vote to dogs who identify as people’ (That sounds true – Ed), ‘Godzilla Vs FrankenSkin blockbuster in cinemas 2026’, ‘Yeti – I bonked Big Foot and he’s big all over’, and ‘Savile ghost haunts Wattsie in her dreams’ (hang on, that one definitely is real – Ed). The site’s last post before shut-down claimed ‘Gonads blog to be major motion picture – filmed on Mars!’ and starring Paloma Faith as Wattsie, Danny Dyer as Clyde Ward, James Corden as Fat Col, Aquaman as the Golden Shot, Jacob Rees-Mogg as JC, and Janette Krankie as Gal Gonad. Exec producers: Musk, Waistrel. Producer: Sandie West. Director: Spielberg. Blimey. We think that’s the end of it, but keep ’em peeled.
*Not fake news. This is an actual description of Fat Col as disloyally texted by someone in the Gonads to a certain well-known punk promoter: ‘A rapscallion, a rascal, an untrustworthy misfit. Manners of a pig. Morals of a ‘reality’ TV celebrity. Bad breath. BO. Beard dripping with eel juice. Viagra-dependent. Never have him in your house, it’d take months for the smell to fade away.’ Shocking yes, but remember, it’s not libel if it’s true.
Jan 24. Oh no! A fresh Gonads fake news site opened up yesterday – RealGonads.org – with ludicrous claims that the band pulled out of Punk Rock Bowling after festival organisers refused Gal’s rider demands for a crate of room temperature brown and mild and a Chinese massage (‘Browned off but not tossed off!’, screamed the hysterical headline). Wattsie is also said to have requested “full access to Area 51” for an ET hunt. Our legal team (The Beast) tracked the website to Singapore and had it shut down, but he is now investigating claims that a fourth site has opened in Addis Adiba. Said The Beast, “They’re popping up like Whac-a-Moles! We need more resources but nobody can find Waistrel.” His Lordship is believed to be on a week-long champagne-top bender with tech billionaire pals in Washington DC. Just another week for him then.
A clarification from John King. In order for Wattsie to join the BME, the Leader says she would have to get through the simple initiation ceremony first, of course – “ten pints and a curry, plus the same for the Leader and her sponsor, Gal Gonad” (A mere appetiser for a Gonad, JK – Ed). The great man adds, “She will be paying for all the beer and the ruby, don’t forget.” After a moment of Solomon-like reflection, John decides that, “to take some of the pressure off, if, say, Wattsie only gets to eight pints and sorts out our curries, she can try again. And again. With the foundations laid, Gal and I will of course continue the session.”
Jan 23. Your response to Gal’s April one-man show try-out has been so promising he is now looking for a larger venue. (Although a more sensible option might be to do two nights rather than one – Ed). The extravaganza – billed as “a show you won’t forget (to regret)” – is expected to last around 90 minutes in total with an intermission.
Orgasm Guerrillas fans are asking when the band’s new songs Fascinus Diaboli and Sheela Na Gig will be heard. A spokeswoman for Soitainly Records, Jenny ‘Sweet-cheeks’ Hackett tells us the numbers will debut on new social media platform Bluesky six weeks before the band’s highly anticipated debut album is released. But there is no word on when that might be. A Guerrillas spokesman, channelling the late Ken Dodd, tells us “Time matters not one jot.”
Is this fake news? A musician contacts us to say he took renowned conspiracy theorist Wattsie Watts for a meal recently and when he said that the menu looked good, she replied, “That’s what they want you to think.” People are concerned that Wattsie is vanishing down conspiracy rabbit holes, but her self-appointed spokesman, Fat Col tells us: “If you think that, it’s because Bill Gates is controlling your brain through 5G phone masts.” He went on to blame Chinese Tik-Toks, Russian bots, Meghan and Harry, the BBC and the Illuminati for blackening Wattsie’s good name. The poor woman has been targeted by fake news sites, by Facebook pests and by stalkers (Col). A chivalrous but angry John King suggests she should join the BME (Beer Monster Elite), saying “It protects its members. Like NATO.”
Jan 22. STOP PRESS! Just days after our legal team shut down GonadsNews.org – the fake website which purported to be our official rolling news operation – another phony site, GonadsNews.uk, began pumping out more filth. Their nonsense stories included: ‘Martian bible found – the Aliens worship Wattsie’, ‘World’s smartest weasel beats Fat Col on Mastermind’, and ‘Zombie Skinheads warn Gonads: play our song live or get chomped’. The site, which was operating out of Dubai, was closed down last night after Waistrel rang his friend Sheikh Mohammed bins Rancid Auld Boila, but not before publishing this piffle: ‘Trump appoints Fat Col as anti-sexism advisor’, ‘Nosher – I’m sleeping with three brass bands, a minor royal and Richie Rocker…and now FrankenSkin is jealous’, and ‘Webmistress Battttttty – You think you’ve got it tough? I was deprived of Jack Daniels and chained to a PC until I agreed to post this crap’.
Jan 21. The repercussions from the fake news scandal continue to be felt around the globe. In a series of shock twists:
*Tom Jones has denied claims that he bonked 500 women by pretending to be Chelsea Dom – “a ridiculous slur, it was closer to 1000”, says a peeved PR, adding “And Engelbert had sloppy seconds!”
*The Jolly Pranksters formally disowned any suggestion that they might use a donation from Elon Musk to stand candidates for Parliament. Ashen-faced spokesman Effete El tells us that the secretive brotherhood are proud of their apolitical stance and could not be swayed by Musk’s millions, despite acknowledging him as a fellow disrupter. Will the anarcho-patriot partisans of the English Liberation Front be so choosy?
*And the Orgasm Guerrillas were so amused by one fake story (‘Stage cock possessed by devil made me come all night – The Yeti’) that they penned the “thrusting” new number Fascinus Diaboli. The cliquey combo were heard rehearsing it along with other new songs in Erith on Sunday; eye witnesses say the exuberant ditty “climaxes in a swirling cauldron of frenzied prog-oi feedback”. Blimey.
In a related story, the Nosher has requested urgent access to the possessed stage cock in order to “test it vigorously” for any demonic presence. Double blimey.
Jan 20. Although we’re still reeling from the shock of the fake Gonads rolling news service, it appears that some of its content may actually be rooted in reality. Self-appointed Gonads historian Professor Flora Beniform tells us: “Claims of a lost Gonads album cannot be dismissed lightly. The original 1977 line-up are known to have demoed a whole album’s worth of songs from the band’s earliest sets, including classics such as Antigallican Last Bell, Red Army, Whelks, Darling Harold, Lager Louts and Sammy Bartram’s Shorts which, with the exception of Lager Louts, have never been released in any form” (Because temporary manager David Long was holding the band back “until the time was right” – Ed). Prof Flora goes on, “In addition, an album’s worth of extra songs were recorded during the Old Boots, No Panties album sessions in Fulham in 2006, including Charlton Belongs To Me, with Michael Beaufoy from Cock Sparrer on guitar, a version of England, My Land with Mr. Watford Jon on vocals, a punkier version of Rose & Crown with Michael Geggus of the Cockney Rejects guesting on guitar, and a whole Music-Hall-flavoured session with a pianist known only as ‘Curry-house Lizzy’, along with the vulgar ‘on-the-road’ ditty Little & Large, Norfolk & Goode, Rise Up England and various unnamed demoes.” She speculates that even Gal couldn’t give an entirely accurate figure for unreleased Gonads compositions, given that he had completely forgotten he’d co-written Oral’s first album, Sex, in the mid-80s with Steve Kent. She adds, “There are scores of songs out there, possibly more than a hundred if you factor in tracks written for the abandoned Big 69 project and for Gonads spin-off bands”. Unreleased numbers from the 2010 era include Ruptured Foreskin Blues and Becky’s Bucket; Gal wrote street-rock anthem Fire Down Under with Steve Kent in 1982, and is known to have demoed “at least 15 songs” with Mark McMighty since 2022. Asked if it were possible that any of these rarities might have ended up on the moon, the Prof smiles sweetly, as if humouring a small child, and replies, “It seems unlikely, doesn’t it? But then given Ms Wattsie’s many alien encounters perhaps it might be true too.” Blimey.
Jan 18. Scores of blog readers have begged us to reprint more of the fake news headlines dreamed up by charlatans behind the now defunct GonadsNews.org, so here goes: ‘Tom Jones – I’ve Bonked 500 women by pretending to be Chelsea Dom’, ‘Beki Bondage – My Wild Fling with the FrankenSkin, and how I tightened his nuts’, ‘Good Lord! 12-foot Face of Waistrel grows on Coutts Bank facade’, ‘John King’s secret shame – I Gorged On Sausages Till I Squeaked’, ‘Lost Gonads album found on the moon’, and most unsettling of all ‘Fat Col – Why I was Banned from Naked Attraction’ (with explanatory pictures). Ashen-faced blog shop steward Effete El tells us, “These fictious stories were so outrageous they would have made our work here redundant. They even had a phoney extract from Gal’s next Harry Tyler novel entitled, ‘Headless Body in Topless Bar gives Cop the Finger’.” Blimey.
The high court ban has also put a stop to the site’s “disgraceful” line in ‘clickbait’ breaking news. These false exclusives have included: ‘Shock as Prince Harry refuses to deny Royal Gonads rumour’, ‘Rachel Reeves to tax Gillingham scarf wearers’ (Her only vaguely sensible policy – Ed), ‘Musk – I’ll Give Pranksters $10million if they run for Parliament’, ‘Watch Live! The Nosher shows how it’s done!’ (the ‘it’ is baking jam tarts – disappointed Ed), and perhaps the most thrilling of all: ‘Live Now! Gal and Steve Whale drink Paulaner and eat Pork Scratchings in Hopper’s Hut! Uncensored Webcam footage’. Get in!
STOP PRESS. Jan 17. His most eminent grace, the Lord Waistrel, may his seed be sown, has taken immediate action to shut down GonadsNews.org – a fake website which popped up this week purporting to be our official rolling news operation. The phony site, launched 27 hours ago, was chock full of appalling made-up stories with no basis in fact. These included: ‘Stage cock possessed by devil made me come all night – The Yeti’, ‘18-Stone Santa, Fat Col, scoffs own reindeers’, and ‘Wattsie Watts weds alien abductor on Mars’. Astonishingly, nobody realised it was fake news until the website ran the even more preposterous exclusive, ‘Lee Wilson buys round for 37 people’. “Patent cobblers,” sniffs a passing Slippery Ted who adds, “If he’d bought a round for three people it would have been a story.” Our lion-hearted legal team (The Beast) had the site closed this morning. High court judge, the Honorable Algernon Kensington-Celery branded its content “pathetic sub-Sunday Sport drivel, almost as bad as the bally blog itself.”
Jan 10. We’re closed but this is important: Gal Gonad will be doing a pre-launch run-through of his long-awaited one-man ‘Bushell: Out Of His Box’ extravaganza sometime in April. It will be a small word-of-mouth event in southeast London and will not be advertised. Insiders say the show, will be “a hullaballoo of rants, revelations, gags, ill-advised confessions and very true stories”. If you would like to be in on it, email management@bushell.biz and we’ll be in touch once the details have been thrashed out. Tickets will be limited, and available on a first-come, first-served basis. Cheers.
