Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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Jan 28. Self-style blog addict Fulham Jack asks why we didn’t reproduce one intriguing story that he’d spotted on the fake Addis Ababa ‘Gonads news’ website before we had it closed. That story was: ‘Bipolar Betrayal! The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hayes’. This disturbing ‘exclusive’ claimed that our beloved PM has a split personality – sometimes he’s the respectable Dr Jekyll, but other times, after drinking various potent potions, he turns into the unreliable Mr Hayes, who forgets all of his previous mistakes and happily regurgitates them, stabbing pals and weary supporters in the back in the process. Well, we did see the story, Jack, but we couldn’t reproduce it in any detail because there are reporting restrictions in place as Mr Hayes is currently being investigated by officers from the Church Of Oi acting on behalf of the OOC (Oi Organising Committee) who may slap a lifetime ban on the great man if his worrying potion addiction continues. Similarly, we are not at liberty to confirm or deny the legitimacy of a leaked list of names said to form part of the lyrics of unreleased Gonads’ song, Shoulda Woulda Coulda, or to disclose details of the disgusting claim that the Golden Shot nearly drowned his diminutive lover Sherry Baby (“3ft 9 and keen to climb”) when he splashed out on her brand-new bedsheets – ‘Hot Shot half-drowns dwarf temptress in bedroom tsunami’ was the distasteful headline. On the plus side, at least no new fake news sites appear to have opened since the weekend.
Jan 26. Because you asked for them, here are the fake news headlines from the Addis Adiba website, GoGoGonadsNews.biz, which was closed down this morning: ‘Rosemary’s baby – I was Gonads US groupie, now I want Wattsie’s job’, 'Splash Out! Golden Shot charged after CSI team disprove “burst water bed” alibi’, ‘Charlie Harper caught in fake Monkey Glands sting – ageing punk star, 97, tricked into drinking blended goat colon’, ‘JC – I bedded midget barmaid and got caught short’, ‘Starmer to give vote to dogs who identify as people’ (That sounds true – Ed), ‘Godzilla Vs FrankenSkin blockbuster in cinemas 2026’, ‘Yeti – I bonked Big Foot and he’s big all over’, and ‘Savile ghost haunts Wattsie in her dreams’ (hang on, that one definitely is real – Ed). The site’s last post before shut-down claimed ‘Gonads blog to be major motion picture – filmed on Mars!’ and starring Paloma Faith as Wattsie, Danny Dyer as Clyde Ward, James Corden as Fat Col, Aquaman as the Golden Shot, Jacob Rees-Mogg as JC, and Janette Krankie as Gal Gonad. Exec producers: Musk, Waistrel. Producer: Sandie West. Director: Spielberg. Blimey. We think that’s the end of it, but keep ’em peeled.
*Not fake news. This is an actual description of Fat Col as disloyally texted by someone in the Gonads to a certain well-known punk promoter: ‘A rapscallion, a rascal, an untrustworthy misfit. Manners of a pig. Morals of a ‘reality’ TV celebrity. Bad breath. BO. Beard dripping with eel juice. Viagra-dependent. Never have him in your house, it’d take months for the smell to fade away.’ Shocking yes, but remember, it’s not libel if it’s true.
Jan 24. Oh no! A fresh Gonads fake news site opened up yesterday – RealGonads.org – with ludicrous claims that the band pulled out of Punk Rock Bowling after festival organisers refused Gal’s rider demands for a crate of room temperature brown and mild and a Chinese massage (‘Browned off but not tossed off!’, screamed the hysterical headline). Wattsie is also said to have requested “full access to Area 51” for an ET hunt. Our legal team (The Beast) tracked the website to Singapore and had it shut down, but he is now investigating claims that a fourth site has opened in Addis Adiba. Said The Beast, “They’re popping up like Whac-a-Moles! We need more resources but nobody can find Waistrel.” His Lordship is believed to be on a week-long champagne-top bender with tech billionaire pals in Washington DC. Just another week for him then.
A clarification from John King. In order for Wattsie to join the BME, the Leader says she would have to get through the simple initiation ceremony first, of course – “ten pints and a curry, plus the same for the Leader and her sponsor, Gal Gonad” (A mere appetiser for a Gonad, JK – Ed). The great man adds, “She will be paying for all the beer and the ruby, don’t forget.” After a moment of Solomon-like reflection, John decides that, “to take some of the pressure off, if, say, Wattsie only gets to eight pints and sorts out our curries, she can try again. And again. With the foundations laid, Gal and I will of course continue the session.”
Jan 23. Your response to Gal’s April one-man show try-out has been so promising he is now looking for a larger venue. (Although a more sensible option might be to do two nights rather than one – Ed). The extravaganza – billed as “a show you won’t forget (to regret)” – is expected to last around 90 minutes in total with an intermission.
Orgasm Guerrillas fans are asking when the band’s new songs Fascinus Diaboli and Sheela Na Gig will be heard. A spokeswoman for Soitainly Records, Jenny ‘Sweet-cheeks’ Hackett tells us the numbers will debut on new social media platform Bluesky six weeks before the band’s highly anticipated debut album is released. But there is no word on when that might be. A Guerrillas spokesman, channelling the late Ken Dodd, tells us “Time matters not one jot.”
Is this fake news? A musician contacts us to say he took renowned conspiracy theorist Wattsie Watts for a meal recently and when he said that the menu looked good, she replied, “That’s what they want you to think.” People are concerned that Wattsie is vanishing down conspiracy rabbit holes, but her self-appointed spokesman, Fat Col tells us: “If you think that, it’s because Bill Gates is controlling your brain through 5G phone masts.” He went on to blame Chinese Tik-Toks, Russian bots, Meghan and Harry, the BBC and the Illuminati for blackening Wattsie’s good name. The poor woman has been targeted by fake news sites, by Facebook pests and by stalkers (Col). A chivalrous but angry John King suggests she should join the BME (Beer Monster Elite), saying “It protects its members. Like NATO.”
Jan 22. STOP PRESS! Just days after our legal team shut down GonadsNews.org – the fake website which purported to be our official rolling news operation – another phony site, GonadsNews.uk, began pumping out more filth. Their nonsense stories included: ‘Martian bible found – the Aliens worship Wattsie’, ‘World’s smartest weasel beats Fat Col on Mastermind’, and ‘Zombie Skinheads warn Gonads: play our song live or get chomped’. The site, which was operating out of Dubai, was closed down last night after Waistrel rang his friend Sheikh Mohammed bins Rancid Auld Boila, but not before publishing this piffle: ‘Trump appoints Fat Col as anti-sexism advisor’, ‘Nosher – I’m sleeping with three brass bands, a minor royal and Richie Rocker…and now FrankenSkin is jealous’, and ‘Webmistress Battttttty – You think you’ve got it tough? I was deprived of Jack Daniels and chained to a PC until I agreed to post this crap’.
Jan 21. The repercussions from the fake news scandal continue to be felt around the globe. In a series of shock twists:
*Tom Jones has denied claims that he bonked 500 women by pretending to be Chelsea Dom – “a ridiculous slur, it was closer to 1000”, says a peeved PR, adding “And Engelbert had sloppy seconds!”
*The Jolly Pranksters formally disowned any suggestion that they might use a donation from Elon Musk to stand candidates for Parliament. Ashen-faced spokesman Effete El tells us that the secretive brotherhood are proud of their apolitical stance and could not be swayed by Musk’s millions, despite acknowledging him as a fellow disrupter. Will the anarcho-patriot partisans of the English Liberation Front be so choosy?
*And the Orgasm Guerrillas were so amused by one fake story (‘Stage cock possessed by devil made me come all night – The Yeti’) that they penned the “thrusting” new number Fascinus Diaboli. The cliquey combo were heard rehearsing it along with other new songs in Erith on Sunday; eye witnesses say the exuberant ditty “climaxes in a swirling cauldron of frenzied prog-oi feedback”. Blimey.
In a related story, the Nosher has requested urgent access to the possessed stage cock in order to “test it vigorously” for any demonic presence. Double blimey.
Jan 20. Although we’re still reeling from the shock of the fake Gonads rolling news service, it appears that some of its content may actually be rooted in reality. Self-appointed Gonads historian Professor Flora Beniform tells us: “Claims of a lost Gonads album cannot be dismissed lightly. The original 1977 line-up are known to have demoed a whole album’s worth of songs from the band’s earliest sets, including classics such as Antigallican Last Bell, Red Army, Whelks, Darling Harold, Lager Louts and Sammy Bartram’s Shorts which, with the exception of Lager Louts, have never been released in any form” (Because temporary manager David Long was holding the band back “until the time was right” – Ed). Prof Flora goes on, “In addition, an album’s worth of extra songs were recorded during the Old Boots, No Panties album sessions in Fulham in 2006, including Charlton Belongs To Me, with Michael Beaufoy from Cock Sparrer on guitar, a version of England, My Land with Mr. Watford Jon on vocals, a punkier version of Rose & Crown with Michael Geggus of the Cockney Rejects guesting on guitar, and a whole Music-Hall-flavoured session with a pianist known only as ‘Curry-house Lizzy’, along with the vulgar ‘on-the-road’ ditty Little & Large, Norfolk & Goode, Rise Up England and various unnamed demoes.” She speculates that even Gal couldn’t give an entirely accurate figure for unreleased Gonads compositions, given that he had completely forgotten he’d co-written Oral’s first album, Sex, in the mid-80s with Steve Kent. She adds, “There are scores of songs out there, possibly more than a hundred if you factor in tracks written for the abandoned Big 69 project and for Gonads spin-off bands”. Unreleased numbers from the 2010 era include Ruptured Foreskin Blues and Becky’s Bucket; Gal wrote street-rock anthem Fire Down Under with Steve Kent in 1982, and is known to have demoed “at least 15 songs” with Mark McMighty since 2022. Asked if it were possible that any of these rarities might have ended up on the moon, the Prof smiles sweetly, as if humouring a small child, and replies, “It seems unlikely, doesn’t it? But then given Ms Wattsie’s many alien encounters perhaps it might be true too.” Blimey.
Jan 18. Scores of blog readers have begged us to reprint more of the fake news headlines dreamed up by charlatans behind the now defunct GonadsNews.org, so here goes: ‘Tom Jones – I’ve Bonked 500 women by pretending to be Chelsea Dom’, ‘Beki Bondage – My Wild Fling with the FrankenSkin, and how I tightened his nuts’, ‘Good Lord! 12-foot Face of Waistrel grows on Coutts Bank facade’, ‘John King’s secret shame – I Gorged On Sausages Till I Squeaked’, ‘Lost Gonads album found on the moon’, and most unsettling of all ‘Fat Col – Why I was Banned from Naked Attraction’ (with explanatory pictures). Ashen-faced blog shop steward Effete El tells us, “These fictious stories were so outrageous they would have made our work here redundant. They even had a phoney extract from Gal’s next Harry Tyler novel entitled, ‘Headless Body in Topless Bar gives Cop the Finger’.” Blimey.
The high court ban has also put a stop to the site’s “disgraceful” line in ‘clickbait’ breaking news. These false exclusives have included: ‘Shock as Prince Harry refuses to deny Royal Gonads rumour’, ‘Rachel Reeves to tax Gillingham scarf wearers’ (Her only vaguely sensible policy – Ed), ‘Musk – I’ll Give Pranksters $10million if they run for Parliament’, ‘Watch Live! The Nosher shows how it’s done!’ (the ‘it’ is baking jam tarts – disappointed Ed), and perhaps the most thrilling of all: ‘Live Now! Gal and Steve Whale drink Paulaner and eat Pork Scratchings in Hopper’s Hut! Uncensored Webcam footage’. Get in!
STOP PRESS. Jan 17. His most eminent grace, the Lord Waistrel, may his seed be sown, has taken immediate action to shut down GonadsNews.org – a fake website which popped up this week purporting to be our official rolling news operation. The phony site, launched 27 hours ago, was chock full of appalling made-up stories with no basis in fact. These included: ‘Stage cock possessed by devil made me come all night – The Yeti’, ‘18-Stone Santa, Fat Col, scoffs own reindeers’, and ‘Wattsie Watts weds alien abductor on Mars’. Astonishingly, nobody realised it was fake news until the website ran the even more preposterous exclusive, ‘Lee Wilson buys round for 37 people’. “Patent cobblers,” sniffs a passing Slippery Ted who adds, “If he’d bought a round for three people it would have been a story.” Our lion-hearted legal team (The Beast) had the site closed this morning. High court judge, the Honorable Algernon Kensington-Celery branded its content “pathetic sub-Sunday Sport drivel, almost as bad as the bally blog itself.”
Jan 10. We’re closed but this is important: Gal Gonad will be doing a pre-launch run-through of his long-awaited one-man ‘Bushell: Out Of His Box’ extravaganza sometime in April. It will be a small word-of-mouth event in southeast London and will not be advertised. Insiders say the show, will be “a hullaballoo of rants, revelations, gags, ill-advised confessions and very true stories”. If you would like to be in on it, email management@bushell.biz and we’ll be in touch once the details have been thrashed out. Tickets will be limited, and available on a first-come, first-served basis. Cheers.
