Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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July 31. Bad news! Albie Farragut has rejected an offer to resume management of the Gonads saying the band were “too disorganised, too lazy and too goddamn bolshy” to be worth his precious time. The good news is that his son, Albie Jnr is stepping in with a bold plan to “streamline and monetize this whole damn operation”. Albie’s first decision was to DOUBLE our fees for all gigs at home and abroad. He told the blog, “It’s ridiculous for the band to play festivals at a financial loss and thereby subsidise filthy rich promoters. Previous managers are clearly guilty of criminal negligence. If you want a Gonads set, you pay Gonads money. And if you won’t then fuck you.” Albie will raise new funding for the Curry On Up The Gonads film on condition “Sandie West is not allowed anywhere near it”. He is also insisting on regular band rehearsals “at least once a month” so that “the guys are ready to go at a moment’s notice” and is believed to support the idea of “spin-off supergroup” the Dirty Metal Gonads playing live gigs.
July 30. Politics! In a “seismic” development two whole branches of the League Of Labour Skins have defected to Reform UK. An aging spokes-skin for the league, which began in the late 70s, tells us: “Labour ain’t Labour no more. They ain’t for us so we ain’t for them. Fuck Starmer.”
July 29. You might get a glimpse of Fat Col on 1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story on Channel 4 tonight. We say ‘might’ because although the promise of free sex lured Col out of Plumstead after years of carnal abstinence, our anonymous insider (Effete El in a dirty mac) reports: “Colin got turned away. He was 1001 in the queue. He couldn’t get a bang even when they were giving it away for free.”
July 26. With just 66 days remaining before this blog ends, a worried Wattsie is calling for “action this day” to save it – and protect the band’s future. Elements of her rebel alliance (Effete El) are even demanding the return of Albie Farragut. You may remember two years ago Lord Waistrel – as drunk as a night out in San Antonia – lost a fortune playing poker with the controversial Texan oil man. Rather than pay him, his Lordship gave the can-do billionaire temporary ownership of the Gonads. His brief three-month tenure and attempts to ‘monetise the brand’ were met with fierce resistance from the usual suspects. But a worried Fat Col says “With just two months left for us, Farragut looks like the best bet. The band and the blog have been drifting rudderless. His lateral thinking doesn’t look so dumb now.” Farragut’s various ideas included releasing high-quality Gonads fragrances. These included ‘A sniff of Gal’ (pie & mash with gentle hints of Madras, Paulaner and “things combed out of Derek Hales’s beard”; all topped off with the subtle scent of the Thames at high tide). ‘Essence of Wattsie’ included blended alien tentacles, liquidised David Bowie underpants and freshly melted conspiracy theory tin hats. (‘Fragrance of Fat Col’ was “deeply unpleasant”). Other controversial proposals included: resurrecting the Curry On Up The Gonads movie for Netflix with an improved script edited by Ricky Gervais or Dave Chappelle; busting the blog monkeys’ union and replacing them with US sitcom writers; releasing a new album, produced by Dave Grohl, undertaking gruelling world tours and campaigning under the slogan MUGGA (Make Us Gonads Great Again). Wattsie is believed to be leading a team to try and negotiate a new deal.
July 19. Your ‘Ask Gal Anything’ questions are flooding in – thanks. Keep ’em coming. Here are some of the first batch:
Q. What can you tell us about the 2026 Garry Bushell Experience reboot? A. Nothing at the moment, it’s a work in progress.
Q. When will you do your one-man show again? A. Probably in the run-up to Christmas. I haven’t decided yet, but I will do more of them. I’m making a few changes to the content and the look. Maybe I’ll wear a thong.
Q. Have you really got 100 unrecorded Gonads songs written? A. I have more than enough songs for several full-length studio albums of new material, two of them will be brand new Gonads albums – both double LPs if they come out on vinyl. And the SkaNads’ second album is stonking… as well as skanking. We’re currently trying to find the right labels to work with.
Q. Schenker’s Rabbit, is that a real song? A. It’s a GBX song based on a real-life incident involving Michael Schenker and an unfortunate rabbit. I spoke to the great Phil Mogg this week and confirmed the details. I like to think of it as ‘There’s gonna be a Bunny Breakout’. There’s going to be a follow-up to Mogg’s Motel by the way. A motel extension.
Q. What can you tell us about CWS (Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda)? A. You’re not mentioned in the lyrics.
Q. What can you tell us about Say What You Like? A. It’s the song that will kill the Gonads dead.
Q. What, if any, is your involvement with the Orgasm Guerrillas? Are you directly taking part in the project or are you the sinister Svengali? A. I’m not sure it’s sinister. I’m driving the project and co-writing the album but I won’t be performing in the band.
Q. Who are the OG’s influences? A. Bach, Dali, Ginger Baker, Ginger Roberts, Syd Barrett, Goya, the Cockney Rejects, Dennis Bovell, Drab Majesty, Gilbert & George, Five Finger Death Punch, Reg Smythe, Sinatra, Prince, Miles Davis, Slade and Stanley Kubrick.
Q. What are the Gonads plans for 2026? A. All will be revealed next month.
Q. Is the blog definitely closing? And if so, why? A. Yes at the end of September. Why? Other priorities.
Q. Is there any point in asking about the Prole album? A. It’s written. It’s wanted. It will happen…we just need to get the great Steve Kent off the golf course for a week. Maybe leave a trail of lager and pork scratchings by the 18th hole. Or blackmail. Blackmail could work.
Q. Thoughts on recent headline-grabbing music biz controversies? A. Middle class student wank.
Q. Why do Rebellion have non-writers on their literary stage? A. You’ll have to ask them. Maybe the bookers need a dictionary. Or maybe they’ve changed the name to the Literally Anybody Stage. Next year: Fat Col on the book he would have written if he could write, or spell, or form coherent sentences.
Q. You’re 70. Do you still plan to retire? A. It’s looking increasingly unlikely.
*In actual news: Captain Oi are re-releasing 1981’s Carry On Oi! which introduced The Business, The Partisans, Blitz, Red Alert and The Ejected to the world, and resurrected the Gonads. It’s out this month as a vinyl edition complete with a gatefold sleeve and the original bag. (The Yeti? – Ed). If we knew who compiled it, we’d buy him a beer. Oh, wait…
July 18. It’s 74 days until this blog shuts. So if you want to ‘Ask Gal anything’, you’d better ask soon...
July 17. California punks the Descendents reckon they have more than 25 songs recorded and hope to release a new album next year. Amateurs! We have more than 100 songs written and hope to release at least two albums next year.
Big shout out to the great Garry Johnson, currently awaiting his fourth eye operation. Here’s hoping it goes smoothly, mate.
July 16. We bumped into Fat Col’s ex today. Why did you divorce him, we ask? Jeanette sniffed and said: “It’s not worth buying a whole pig just to get a little sausage.”
Random headlines: Congrats to Phil ‘Fury’ who has become a granddad… UFO to re-release re-mastered version of No Place to Run next month, including new mixes and a recording from a Marquee Club show. The original 1980 album, was produced by George Martin and partly recorded in Montserrat... Pouk Hill Prophetz play the Water Rats on July 25.
July 13. There are now just 79 days of this blog left. Worrying, yes, but you can get around the world in that. Enjoy us while you can.
News! Wattsie has become the first confirmed member of GBX, manager Hockers revealed yesterday. The band are rumoured to be morphing into a viable gigging combo. When questioned, Hockers refused to reveal any more details about the project though, saying simply “We wanted a kazoo player, and Wattsie is the best in the business.” For horn-blowers, see the Yeti.
Gal was seen in hip Soho bar, Jazz After Dark yesterday, sparking speculation that GBX will a) make their live debut at the iconic Greek Street venue and b) include jazz numbers in their set. The first new song, according, to our source, is the UFO-inspired Schenker’s Rabbit, a shocking true story. No more is known at this moment but the source added cryptically “Watch TikTok in the coming months”. Blimey.
Oasis travel arrangements “a carbon copy of the Gonads,” claims Wattsie after word leaked this week that the Gallagher brothers and their band travel to gigs in three separate cars. “They got the idea from us,” sniffed Wattsie. “We’re not travelling to Blackpool or Berlin together, even though that would make much more sense financially. Four of us going up in three cars and Gal is being flown to Blackpool Airport by his friend Joe Pasquale, who has his own plane.” Double blimey. (But what happened to Waistrel’s Oi Force One? – Ed).
Controversy corner: Si Spanner to mastermind a ‘punks for Israel’ concert…
July 12. Last night. Punchdrunk Saints. Oi Oi!
July 9. News! Our Italian mate Marco and his hard-hitting anarcho-herberts Klasse Kriminale headline the New Cross Inn on 7th November; there may be surprise guests… Cro-Mags play Europe at the end of this month and into August, with gigs in Slovenia, Italy, Croatia, Germany and France. Strangely the New York HC legends have expressed no interest in playing the Blackheath & Newbridge WMC or the Hopper’s Hut – not the kind of snub that goes down well in south London, Harley. A shocking faux-pas on their part.
Here’s a new song from Clobber https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKE2RPL_jOw
July 8. Headline: Sensation as Chelsea Dom SACKED as Terence Hayes’s defender for his make-or-break forthcoming trial – Waistrel to step in. Break-down: The Lord Waistrel, the most noble knight of the tempting garter, was poised to take over as the former EM’s defence lawyer last night after Chelsea Dom was sensationally BANNED from the pending trial at the Pranksters’ notorious internal court. There is no official word as to why, but well-placed insiders claim that Dom has been secretly spearheading the DS inquiry. Said our source, “The DS is not the Dibble Squad, it’s the Dom Squad. He is the witchfinder general, so how can he represent the alleged ‘witch’?” Beats us. Also bores us. New subject please! We’re only here for another twelve and a half weeks. (When it gets to nine and a half weeks, we’re breaking out the butter.)
July 7. Headline news. Shock announcement: Official! Gonads blog to end permanently in thirteen weeks’ time; no explanation given. Ashen-faced Fit Bird blames “deep state conspiracy”… Publication date for Gal’s latest Harry Tyler novel “imminent”; streamer interest “promising”… Fat Col and Sid Quaife launch ‘Operation Camelot’ campaign to ‘Bring back the EM’, saying they hope to build support among loyal grass-roots Pranksters.
July 6. Gigs! The mighty Punchdrunk Saints play the 100 Club on Friday 11th… One Way System headline Birkenhead’s first ever Punk Festival at Molly’s Chambers on the 12th… Madness play Dreamland, Margate on Aug 2… Gal and John King to meet with Sid Quaife (VGPS) to discuss proposed variety show and possible mini-tour.
July 5. Things have taken a turn for the worse for former Jolly Pranksters EM, Terence Hayes. We hear that moves have begun to EXPEL the once great man (as opposed to simply downgrading him to WM). The brethren’s internal investigation unit the DS (Dibble Squad) have launched a “vigorous probe” into grave allegations that, through his civilian activities, the ex-EM has conspired to bring the Pranksters into disrepute. Our insider tells us “The DS make the Stasi look like Rod Jane and Freddy. They will be brutal, they will be thorough and if the allegations prove true, the WM will face trial before Judge Roughneck III.” If found guilty, expulsion and the loss of Prankster privileges would be the lightest possible sentence available – he would be summoned to the Pranksters’ top-secret HQ (in Green Lane, Chislehurst – Ed) where he would be stripped of his Prankster shoulder patches and Viagra, and have his Light Cavalry sabre broken in two. But the heaviest sentence would see the deployment of a brother known only as Gorkha, about whom nothing can be discussed in public. Word of this earth-shattering development has sent shock waves throughout the known world and beyond. Sid Quaife (Village Green Preservation Society Lodge) told the blog, “This decision is unprecedented and possibly in breach of the Jolly Pranksters’ founding orders. We will be seeking legal advice.” Fat Col (aka WB Gannon, Camelot Lodge) said, “This is a sinister inexplicable development, similar to my own predicament. I suspect the same person is behind it” – he then proceeded to name someone who cannot be mentioned on this blog by the explicit order of Lord Waistrel, before tunelessly singing, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t, you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t…” (Cut! – Ed)
Our Gonads Verify service has been unable to establish what the EM/WM has done to merit this severe, possibly terminal backlash, but it has established 1) that Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor) will be his “better call Saul” defender and that Judge Roughneck III took over the stewardship of the brethren’s internal supreme court following the death of his predecessor, Judge Dread (a senior Prankster of grand rank), in 1998. No senior Prankster has been publicly expelled since notorious round dodger Paul Devine circa 2005.
July 4. The news in brief: Waistrel orders feasibility study into proposed Freedom Festival... Agnostic Front, Gorilla Biscuits & Sick Of It All to release live album from 1991 next month... GBX turn down offers to tour the Czech Republic in 2026... first Orgasm Guerrillas single, Screaming Soul, due out next Easter as taster for overdue debut album... long-promised Gonads annual pushed back to November 2027... EM on ropes as Prankster elders due to vote tomorrow on a motion to strip him of his EM & downgrade him back to WM status — and raise boss skinhead Roy Ellis to the brotherhood’s new role of Ultimate Master... PRCC to “limit numbers” at future gatherings... Gal and Clyde veto new approach to revive Gonads film...
July 3. This just in: Liam Gallagher regrets using Fat Col as Twitter/X adviser...
July 2. The Orgasm Guerrillas have asked us to correct our recent post about them, dismissing it as “fake news” and “invented tabloid nonsense”, and adding fiercely “we’re writing songs about the death of art, suicidal empathy and the path to enlightenment, not bloody palm tree fronds; it’s an insult”. Their latest songs include Overwhelmed With Indifference, Toxic Love and Beyond Neverwhere.
July 1. GBX, the Garry Bushell Experience, are open to playing live shows next year “if the proposed gigs are interesting or unconventional”manager Hockers told the blog last night. But, she added, “The band’s first priority is to record their debut album, which is a) entirely written b) utterly surprising and c) hardly anything like the Gonads; it’s more a Darwinian evolution.” Intriguing! Gal is understood to have written the songs solo and also separately with Clyde Ward, Mark Orwell and Mark McMighty. According to Hockers there is “significant interest” from overseas labels.
