Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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Jan 16. In an unexpected turn of events, protesters from Charlton village last night staged a 12-hour “revenge siege” of Waistrel Manor in East Sussex that left His Lordship badly injured. The mob – hardcore members of Club 77’s militant Anarchy Now tendency – were protesting about the good Lord’s alleged “poor decisions and chronic lack of management skills”. They called on Gal to DITCH Waistrel, RETIRE the Gonads, and DIRECT all of his “restless energy” on The GBX using only “focused and forward-looking musicians”.
The racket made by the protestors ruined Waistrel’s relaxed evening of casual coitus with his latest muse, Stella Novotny, an exotic blonde pocket Venus from Scunthorpe whose speciality is said to be whipping her gentlemen friends with a cat o’ nine tails. After stimulating sex with a Burmese python to get the good Lord in the mood, 4ft 10 Stella began teasing him with her hefty 38-inch knotted naval whip. But, rattled by the commotion outside, she panicked and upped the pain threshold from light to Gestapo leaving violent welts and sores “worthy of a horror film” across his Lordship’s ample aristocratic aris. Unrepentant protest ringleader Citizen Ludd said Waistrel “had it coming” before expounding his theory that the Gonads legacy was being recklessly endangered by “bad management, nostalgia junkies, and the current band’s lacklustre attitudes to rehearsals, curry nights and even playing – we understand that every possible gig, tour or tandoori mixed grill, is jeopardised or otherwise sabotaged by this coalition of the unwilling”. Gritting his teeth, Ludd went on, “We need to go onwards, not backwards. We want progress, not this festering jism of retro-complacency. It’s time to stand down the band and look forward. No kings, no gods, no Waistrel. The future is unwritten.” Blimey.
Footnote: an attempt by Fat Col to see off the protestors with an aggressive display of his brutal Le Pétomane-style choreographed flatulence was drowned out by the rebels’ drums, bongos, and bugles. Channelling Bonnie Tyler, eye-witness Effete El tells us wistfully, “Once upon a time Col was breaking wind, now he’s only baking tarts. Nothing you can do, total eclipse of the fart.”
Jan 15. SIEGE WATCH: The great siege of Charlton House ended quietly yesterday morning after just two nights, we can reveal. Waistrel’s press secretary Karoline Leavitarht told GB News: “This was not a failure; it was a great victory! In fact, the greatest! It was 48 hours of glory!” She went on to claim, “A warning shot was fired followed by Lord Waistrel’s totally planned, tactical withdrawal. His Lordship has made his point with ruthless efficiency.” Karoline fiercely denied suggestions that the abrupt decision was influenced by yesterday’s Jolly Pranksters breakfast conference, saying “The withdrawal was ordered while these fools were still gobbling sausages” (Not a euphemism – Ed). Gonads Verify confirmed that was true, but also established that Scrotum had urged Waistrel to call off the night siege earlier that very morning after realising that the only person in the place in the early hours was Alf, the security guard, who slept through it. We can also confirm reports that the MPS failed to make Tuesday night’s siege. Attempts to replace them came to nothing as the Devil’s Rejects bikers brigade were all dogging in Dartford… Not even the deep, bassoon-like blasts of Fat Col’s gassy ‘call to arms’ could lure them back.
Jan 14. SIEGE WATCH: The Jolly Pranksters today called on “our most noble brother and Past WM, the Lord Waistrel to end his nightly sieges of Charlton House”. An emergency breakfast meeting in a private Bexleyheath club attended by senior London lodges – Spitfire, Lancelot, Chaplin and Kinnell – voted to apply fraternal pressure on the beleaguered nobleman after WB O’Brien, the Cryptic Jester (a senior grand rank – Ed), condemned the action as “an act of terrorism and piracy that violates the law of the land, the spirit of this fraternity, and common sense in general”. Our insider tells us anonymously, “This is a significant development, the Pranksters are one of the foundation stones of Waistrel’s power base, prestige and influence.” The secret insider (Effete El) continued, “The only major figures backing Lord Waistrel now are Donald Trump, Elon Musk and Fat Col and they’re not going to put boots on the ground in London SE7….” Let’s hope not. Although Col has been heard practising his lethal Le Pétomane impersonation with gusto. According to El “Nobody alive produces louder, deadlier or more noxious farts”. Waistrel’s press secretary, Karoline Leavitarht refused to return the blog’s calls. Cowardice? Or was she just traumatised from standing downwind? To odour, brethren.
Jan 13. SIEGE WATCH: A poor start to Lord Waistrel’s siege of Charlton House last night when both the Mid-Kent and the Plumstead brigades failed to turn up after an all-day drinking session. In their absence, Scrotum was forced to call our biker division, the Devil’s Rejects, up from the south coast, to handle the job, in between slaughtering goats and deflowering virgins on the hallowed historic grounds. (They had to import the virgins as there are none in Charlton itself – Ed). Tonight, Waistrel plans to mobilise the MPS (Middle Park Skins) led by former Grenadier Guard, Chris Weeks himself. To order, Ruckers!
Jan 11. Lord Waistrel last night escalated his threat to take control of Charlton House by ordering the New Tucker’s Ruckers to lay siege to the historic building every night for a week. The siege will be undertaken by the Mid-Kent Meffers and the Plumstead Piss-heads, two of the Ruckers’ most feared fighting units, with an auxiliary team from the Welling United Whack-Jobs handling support services. Fat Col’s “Nobby’s Nosh” all-night beer-&-burger van will supply lukewarm bottled Paulaner and bespoke catering (Col’s speciality burgers include The Incinerator, a cockroach-black charcoaled quarter-pounder, and the “deliciously raw” Economy E-Coli smash burger which comes loaded with chilli sauce and “abattoir-strength belligerent bacteria”). Heave-ho! To arms, brethren! Step off with the left boot!
Jan 10. Experts analysing Waistrel’s threats to “buy or seize” Charlton House speculate that His Lordship might be feeling the pinch “thanks to the Gonads’ protracted idleness, the inability of Randale Records to pay royalties or indeed supply royalty statements, and the epic failure of the good Lord’s LinkedOut social media venture” – Waistrel soft-launched the costly site last Easter to appeal to “the idle and workshy, time-wasting layabouts with no work ethic whose get up and go had got up and gone”. His “ball-busting” press secretary Karoline Leavitarht tells us, “Strictly off the record, it was a great idea but unfortunately the idle and workshy with nothing to do all day already had Facebook.” Attempts to resurrect other spin-off enterprises, such as the much-missed Gonads Flag Girls, the beautiful dream of Nads-Fest, and Wattsie’s Marching Kazoo Band, are “still at the planning stage”, she says. (And may they remain so – Ed).
Fears grow for author, DJ and herbert John King who has been laid low by a nasty virus for more than three weeks. Our medical expert Effete El says the Beer Monster Elite and PPGB leader is struggling to recover because of his “insipid, self-harming vegan diet”. El adds sternly, “Any true friend of the great man would break into his Stamford Bridge penthouse suite and force-feed him a bacon sarnie before it’s too late – I would also advise a daily hypodermic full of chicken fat, rib-eye steak grease and caramelized ‘rocky mountain oysters’, just to be on the safe side.”
In other news, as you may be aware, the Cro-Mags re-released an awesome new take on their classic track Hard Times as a flexi-disc just before Christmas. Now Harley has let slip that the band re-recorded ALL of their 1986 debut album The Age of Quarrel while they were laying down backing tracks for his wild Wired for Chaos biopic (currently on Prime and Apple TV)…
Jan 9. The Damned are supporting their new covers album Not Like Everybody Else with a series of instore appearances and signings at UK retail outlets this month. The album is the first to feature new recordings from the classic line up of Dave Vanian, Captain Sensible, Rat Scabies and Paul Gray since 1982’s Strawberries. They will be performing with longtime keyboard player Monty Oxymoron. The album honours their late founder, guitarist Brian James with a selection of songs he was influenced by. The run ends at Resident in Brighton, where Brian lived and is buried. Dates: 23rd Jan, Rough Trade London East Q and A and signing hosted by Phil Alexander, 7pm. 24th: HMV Birmingham Bullring Instore signing 12-2pm; Rough Trade Liverpool Q and A and signing hosted by Phil Alexander 7pm. 26th: HMV Manchester instore signing 1-3pm. 29th: Resident Brighton Q and A and signing hosted by Pat Gilbert 6pm. Not Like Everybody Else is dedicated to James, who died last March. Recorded in a blistering five day stint at Revolver Studio, Los Angeles, the album is said to find The Damned reconnecting with their raw punky roots. It’s the first time in 40 years that Rat has been in the studio with the rest of the band. Kicking off with R. Dean Taylor’s There’s A Ghost In My House, tracks include Pink Floyd’s See Emily Play and The Animals’ When I Was Young. It closes with The Last Time by The Rolling Stones, featuring Brian, which was recorded at the last shows he played with The Damned, including the final performance at the O₂ Academy in Birmingham. They will play one-off shows at Albert Hall, Manchester, on 28th January, Bataclan, Paris, on 1st February and Essigfabrik, Cologne, on 3rd Feb, performing songs from the album alongside fan-favourite covers that marked their career. They have also announced a special 50th anniversary show at OVO Arena Wembley on Saturday 11th April, marking five decades since the band first exploded onto the scene as one of the founders of British punk rock. The milestone celebration will also feature special guests The Loveless featuring Marc Almond, Peter Hook & The Light and The Courettes. Wembley tickets (£72 a pop for half decent ones) are already on sale.
Jan 5. In a shock development, Lord Waistrel yesterday renewed his bid to take control of Charlton House, thought to be the only complete Jacobean mansion surviving in Greater London. His Lordship resurrected his 2024 offer to buy the historic property, saying that if the sale is blocked, he will consider other options including military action to take control of the house currently owned by Royal Greenwich Heritage Trust, a local registered charity. Waistrel’s press secretary Karoline Leavitarht said acquiring Charlton House is “a strategic security priority for his Lordship” as he seeks to “preserve the legacy of the Gonads” – who famously formed less than 200 yards away in Indus Road in 1977. It is believed that Gal and Mark Gladding wrote the song Antigallican Last Bell in the grounds of Charlton House in 1975. She added that, should the Trust dilly-dally over the sale, utilising Tucker’s Ruckers was “always an option” at Waistrel’s disposal. The good Lord is also believed to want to reclaim “mineral-rich” parts of Charlton Park that were historically part of the Charlton House grounds. The property, built in the early 1600s, was once thought to be the best-preserved examples of Jacobean domestic architecture in England, but has since declined and been added to Historic England’s at-risk register. According to His Lordship’s frenemy and advisor, Donald Trump, the house is in a “very bad condition, these people are the worst…in league with Maduro, you know I loved that little Lido, what happened to Fat Col? Good guy, we’ll make Charlton great again…and after I get Greenland, I’m coming for Walford, the place stinks”. In war-like mood after downing a gallon of vintage Niepoort in Lalique 1863, Waistrel ordered Scrotum to emboss the phrase ‘Ultima ratio Domini’ on his cannons – Latin for ‘This is the Lord’s final argument.’ To order, Ruckers – Attention! So mote it be.
Jan 1st 2026. Happy New Year. This is an approved news update. All of it is true, but not all of it is good. The headlines: Gonads SPLIT into two warring factions… Paul SkaNad dramatically UNSACKED by both of them...Spanner will FIGHT Miss Management for control of the band’s future… Gal “virtually incapacitated” and in need of SURGERY on both knees… More on the big fight: a spokesman for Spanner Management International, Sid (aka The Chelmsford Chisel), tells us that Si will not fight anyone outside of his weight division but will happily take on Miss Management if she “puts on a couple of stone and agrees to wrestle him naked in a mud bath”. If she grants this entirely reasonable request and Spanner wins, he is said to be “confident” that his chosen line-up will be “available for festivals by April”. But our Gonads Verify team say his plans are overly optimistic as Miss Management has already had to turn down three good offers for this year because Gal (and Waistrel) insist that the band is permanently retired. And Sir Gonad is unlikely to be coaxed out of retirement any time soon a) because he can’t even climb stairs right now and b) because he wants to concentrate on honing The GBX and his own live solo shows. “The Gonads without Gal is like Queen without Freddie Mercury,” says Gonads Verify spokesman Effete El. “Possible but not right.” In other news Gal has unearthed a minor treasure trove of lost demo tapes recorded between 2006 and 2012, including – but not limited to – our blistering psychobilly song, City Of Bones, the largely instrumental ska number, Mungo Jingo, an early demo of Free The Stone, a rowdy new drinking song dedicated to White Heather whisky, and a full-throttle punk number called Dirty Lying Creep, written by Gal and Clyde for a female singer (not Wattsie) based on her then troubled love-life. Speaking with his Club 77 chairman (pork pie) hat on, El tells us, “Although this is good news in one sense, it is also frustrating because the band currently have no label and no recording studio, and we know Gal has three albums’ worth of songs already written and waiting to be recorded. Whichever management team triumphs, they must immediately get their arse in gear and get the band back in the studio, and on the road pronto, before all momentum is lost. Foreign mini-tours are essential.”
