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July 5. See the East End Badoes’ playing and being interviewed on Boston punk TV Sonic Lobotomy – myspace.com/soniclobotomy.

* Which leading punk vocalist’s pre-performance rituals include fake tan and teeth whitener? The usual crate of English ale delivered by Friday will ensure our silence…

July 4. We are 99.7 per cent confirmed to play the Mersea Island scooter rally in Essex on Friday 5th September…watch this space for Vespas, sorry, whispers and confirmation.

* Brilliant German artist Sucker is drawing the cover for our new album ‘Live Free, Die Free’ based on a sketch by our most loyal Tonbridge fan Loolie. Everything is now ready to go, so the album will be released as soon as he’s finished. Hopefully September. (No pressure, though Sucker, eh mate?) There will be a London launch night with special guests, including your old mum’s favourites K*nt and the Gang.

* After too long on the back burner, The Face (the film of Gal’s book) is officially back in pre-pre-production. A new draft of the script is being worked on, and a hot director is in place, but it seems the leading man may change. Originally Grant Mitchell star Ross Kemp wanted to play ace face crime gang infiltrator Harry Tyler, but sources close to the executive producer say he is now considered to be too old. And too fat.

* An East London market trader approaches us offering a rather tacky line in “Hayman Hawaiian shirts”. What can this mean?

* Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson flew into a rage when he caught the band writing yet more songs at the weekend. We hear that Dale wants them to “concentrate on the job in hand” (whatever that is). But we like the idea of one new Gal/Paul number about a skinhead spy: ‘Jimmy Bond, Oi Oi 7, licenced to swill.’

* Gal and Frankie Flame are said to be planning a night celebrating Cockney Culture, mixing Oi, music hall and comedy. With the blessings of Terence Hayes, this grand PranskterFest could be launched in October.

PS. Girls! It’s American In Suspenders’ Day! Please dress accordingly!

3/7. Viva Las Vegas play live tomorrow at the ICA in the Mall. Onstage 9.15pm. Audience will include “punk robots”, according to our mate Barnet Mark. (Not Oi the Robot, surely?)

* Insane Society have just recorded Garry Johnson’s ‘National Service’ poem as a reggae song. See ’em this Saturday in Brighton playing with the ANWL and the Test-tubes…

July 2. Superyob’s new album Quality Street showcases all the band’s strengths: great hooks, mob choruses and lyrics about working class life and a lost London. Gal reckons the Stand-out tracks are ‘Champagne Socialist’, ‘Cockney King’ and the anthemic ‘London Pride.’ ‘Toe Rag’ is another cracker, an angry tuneful tirade against lowlife parasites who prey on the people, and the album finishes with Frankie on the Joanna for ‘Public Bar’ a singalong tavern gem that took me right back to the glory days of the Fox & Firkin… magical

July 1st. The Cockney Rejects are lining up a full European tour next year. They are also discussing several projects to celebrate their 30th anniversary. We can tell you that one of the strong possibilities is a Rejects documentary; but we can’t tell you why Gal, Mick and Stinky were wrapped up in meetings in NW5 this morning…not yet, anyway…

June 28: One of the greatest gigs – and greatest days - in Gonads history today. Firstly we recorded a blinding version of new song ‘Franken-Skin’ with Pat Collier down in Forest Hill. And then the BH2 gig was absolutely magical, with guest spots from Mickey Geggus, Steve Whale and Terence Hayes (WM), and an audience of oi-oi mega-stars including Steve Bruce of Cock Sparrer, the magnificent Liberty, who really really doesn’t need to diet or to have a boob job cos she’s fantastic as she is, and Keith Boyce from the Heavy Metal Kids (wot? no Connie?). The Gonads tonight were Tony Feedback (gtr), Andy Gonad (bass) and Paul Gonad (drums); although Andy was stung by a bee today (£30 for a jar of honey?) and looked suspiciously like Chinese Tim. Brian Hayes would have been there but we forgot to tell him. Set was: Yeti, That’s Oi, Oi Mate, England’s Glory, Getting Pissed (first-ever live performance), Grant Mitchell, Sandra Bigg, Franken-Skin (first-ever live performance), Alconaut (with Mickey Geggus), Flares & Slippers (with Mickey Geggus), I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, and Tucker’s Ruckers; encore – London Boys (with Steve Whale on guitar and Terry Hayes on guest vox). Our thanks to Ellie who was our flag-girl and to everyone who sang along – ta for the great reception. Gal sternly reminded the crowd that our flag was stolen the last time we played there, saying “Never mind St George’s Cross, I was fucking furious”. We were due to go on stage a lot later, but Gal explained “Matron doesn’t like it when we get back late to the home.” Such fun. And to think we ain’t playing in public again until Hartlepool. It seems such a waste…

* Random goss: Liberty's album is back on, our new album should be out in September all things being equal, and Max Splodge is writing his autobiography...What will that say, Max? Day one, got up, got pissed. Day two, got up, got pissed. Day three, got up, got pissed and stoned, recorded Delilah with Gal, should have just got pissed. Day four, got up, got pissed…

* The Beastmobile, the Beast’s executive vehicle, remains as impressive and alluring as a can of rotting corned beef. He now has to start it with a pair of pliers. The front passenger window has a mind of its own, dropping open in the Blackwall tunnel and jamming, leaving Gal to choke on exhaust fumes. Passing car thieves have been known to lock its doors in case anyone of them become drunk enough to steal it. But what’s this? Vince Riordan calls with his own take on “that fucking thing”. Says Vince: “There’s no way a man making as much as the Beast would choose to own that. Either Dale’s saving all his money for a much-needed hair transplant or he’s got an Aston Martin in the garage and drives the Beastmobile to boost his street-cred.”

* No truth in the rumour that we got Terry Hayes to the show by telling him the gig was on Friday.

June 28. Don’t curse us if we don’t get this together, but the plan for BH2 tonight is to change the set, add two songs – ‘Getting Pissed’ and the nifty new stomper ‘Frankenskin’ – and play a version of ‘Flares & Slippers’ with the great Mickey Geggus guesting on guitar. That’s the plan. We definitely do need a flag-girl as Wattsie, Karen and Lisa are all AWOL. Come to think of it we need a flag as the last time we played here some toe-rag swiped our old one.

June 27. Madness played songs from new album The Liberty of Norton Folgate at the Hackney Empire this week and they’re red hot. Most bands approaching their 30th anniversary lazily release a greatest hits compilation, Madness have written 22 new tracks. Respect.

June 26. Biggsy is being considered for parole! His lawyer says Ronnie could be out by July 2009. Why is he in jail at all? It’s not like this frail, sick old man is a threat to anyone. It’s pathetic.

June 25. Word reaches us that our mate Lars from Rancid is talking about buying a place in Marbella. Why? Almost certainly because the town’s been so celebrated in song by Cock Sparrer. So let’s all start writing anthems about the glories of Dymchurch and see how many US Streetpunk heroes take the bait.

June 24. Gal’s website shows his June play-list as: ‘Wide Awake’ by Everybody Out, ‘No Regrets’ by Argy-Bargy and ‘Change My Ways’ by the Pietasters. Doubtless all will feature on his July pod.

June 22. Mike Gray visited Ronnie Biggs in HMP Norwich and reports that the Parole board are deciding if Ronnie can come out on Christmas Day - when he will have served ten years (one third of his draconian sentence). Fingers crossed. Mike asks if we’d record a single to celebrate Biggsy’s early release if it happens. Mike, it would be a pleasure.

* Cock Sparrer news: the lads are slightly miffed that the Fratellis have called their latest album ‘Here We Stand’ too. Steve Bruce jokes that they may hit back by recording a single called ‘Fratellis’. Sparrer are planning their next studio album for 2010 – meaning they will have released an album in every decade since the 1970s…at their advanced ages, maybe they should consider song titles like ‘Where Are They Now (My Dentures)’, ‘Quiet Squad’, ‘Ow Me Back’, ‘Spirit of ’76, Pension of 75 Quid’, 'Suicide Grannies', 'Eastbourne Belongs To Me' and ‘Time To Make Your Move – To A Nice Bungalow In Marbella.’ All together: “I just love the peace and quiet, man, all I want is a slow-moving Meals On Wheels van…”

* Which member of Cock Sparrer “diets like a girl” (according to his missus) in the weeks coming up to a gig? Unless we receive several crates of chilled premium lager by next Saturday’s BH2 show, all will be revealed… (Clue: it's not the one who needs to diet).

* GBH are doing two slots on the forthcoming Rancid UK tour…the East End Badoes will open for the Dropkicks at their pre-Reading warm-up gig in the Midlands…

June 21. Shocks aplenty at Connie Hayes’s 21st birthday party tonight in Essex – for starters, Terry Hayes remembered to turn up. Also in attendance: Steve Whale, Steve Burgess, Steve Bruce, various Gonads and Badoes, high-ranking Pranksters and even the great Terry Adams, veteran Ancient Brit DJ. Rumours that many came along hoping for a re-match of the Connie v Liberty bitch-fight that marred Libs’s 18th are probably well-founded. But it was a great night, Connie looked stunning (definite flag girl material) even when she was waving off her guests with a cheery technicolour yawn. Was she sick or was she just giving her review of Dominic’s haircut? Connie’s got a new chat-up line now: “Come up and look at my retchings.” Like Pranksterism, a tendency to “Wallace and Gromit” clearly runs in the Hayes family. As we were leaving, Tel’s youngest daughter Harley, 17, opened the upstairs window – not to wave goodbye but to projectile puke. Must have been barf night. It reminds us of the time in New Jersey when a passing groupie threw up over Rockin’ Dave’s groin. “Hey,” she said, gawping at his vomit-encrusted dick. “I don’t remember eating that.” Elsewhere Tel A’s splendid Chas and Dave karaoke would have made a jellied eel weep sweet tears of joy…

* Dave Hayman has left the Badoes. No-one seems bothered.

* Gal gets a phone call last night. “Is that Garry Boo-shell?” asks the caller, a gentleman of the Sceptic persuasion. He goes on: “I’m Oscar Bernstein of Miramax. I have your script here for the Cockney Rejects movie and I love it, I want it, I need it.” (Gal grips his home bar to steady himself). Oscar continues: “Of course there will have to be a couple of changes.” “No problem.” “Yeah, we don’t like the band being in London, we’d like to set the story in the Lower West Side.” “Uh huh.” “And the fighting’s a bit tame. We need some handguns, some machetes, maybe an Uzi or two.” “Uh…” “The music’s a bit hardcore. What if the band, let’s call them the Manhattan Misfits, let’s say they do some dance tracks, some disco.” (Silence). “One of them, this Vinnie O’Riordan, he’s raising money for the IRA. One of them is a cross-dresser, one of them is gay, and they get their big debut at a gay disco…” At this point, just before Gal’s cardiac arrest, ‘Oscar’ starts to giggle uncontrollably before revealing himself as Pete Way. Bastard.

* Yada, yada, yada. Everybody Out’s debut album is out now on Taang, a dollop of soulful punk with echoes of the Clash and Rancid. The band features Rick Barton (ex-Dropkicks) and Sweeny Todd (ex-Dead Pets), a Scotsman. From Leeds.

* 4-Skins news: seems Rebellion will be Gary Hodges’s only performance this year, and the proposed 4-Skins studio album is now postponed indefinitely.

June 20. It's the greatest Ska event since Bob found the reggae in Marcia's jeggae...Pama International are touring with the Slackers, the Pietasters (the band that backed James Brown!) and Mungos Hi Fi (Scotland's No1 Sound System). Dates are: 26 June Glastonbury Leftfield from 7pm; 27 Leicester The Charlotte (Tickets from Rockaboom Records. 4 St Martins Square Info 07725188783) 28 Sheffield Corporation Milton Street, Sheffield, S1 4JU (Box Office 01142760262 www.corporation.org.uk); 29 Glasgow The Soundhaus, 47 Hydepark St, Anderston, Glasgow, G3 8BW (0141 221 4659 www.soundhaus.co.uk); 30 Edinburgh Liquid Rooms, 9C Victoria Street, Edinburgh, EH1 2HE (Box Office 01312203234); 1st July Newcastle Carling Academy Westgate Rd, Newcastle-upon-Tyne, NE1 1SW (0844 477 2000); 2nd Wolverhampton Robin 2 26 - 28 Mount Pleasant, Bilston, Wolverhampton, WV14 7LJ (01902401211); 3 Bristol Bierkeller, All Saints Street, Bristol, BS1 2NA (0117 9268514); 4 London ULU Malet St, London, WC1E 7HY (Tickets from All Ages, Camden and http://www.ticketweb.co.uk); 5 Cambridge Junction Clifton Way, Cambridge CB1 7GX (01223511511); all tour info email enquiries@rockersrevolt.com.

June 19. Gal and Tony Feedback have perfected ‘Franken-Skin’; Tone describes it as “a punk-goth-oi-metal stadium-shakin’ extravaganza”. We will be rehearsing it in the week but we ain’t promising to play it at BH2 next Saturday (28th). We’re on with Splodge, The Warriors and Clitoris Allsorts. All that for a cockle! Blinding. Tickets available now on line at www.bh2live.com or you can collect them in person from the venue.

* Tone has written his first Gonads song: 'Going To A Jihad'. Somehow I can't see us playing the Regents Park mosque any time soon.

* It’s the Cockney Rejects’ 30th anniversary next year and we’re told you can expect some major events.

June 17. Our mates Argy-Bargy’s new album The Likes Of Us is out now and it’s a proper punch up the trousers. Have a listen to ‘Lights Over London’ here: http://www.myspace.com/argybargyuk. Then zip over to Captain Oi and buy the blighter before it sells out.(£8.99 from http://www.captainoi.com/details.asp?CatNo=AHOY%20CD%20303) It’s a great album from one of the bands who kept Oi! alive in the UK during the early 1990s. Tracks are: Your Time Will Come | Lights Over London | There’s Gonna Be A Riot | No Regrets | Right To Fight | I Believe | My Life | No News Is Good News | I’ll Be There For You | Don’t Wanna Be Like You | One More Drink | Can’t Take It Anymore | Same Old Story | The Likes Of Us (But which one of those songs is about Watford Jon’s mate who took Geri Halliwell’s virginity? No Regrets or Your Time Will Come?)

* Wanted, new Gonads vocalist! Sorry, wishful thinking. That should read: wanted, a female backing vocalist to join the band full-time. Contact waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk. It could be you!

* We were planning to release ‘Long Ska Summer’ as our next single, featuring the dulcet tones of Jennie Bellestar. But Stinky Turner has intervened arguing that we ought really to bring out ‘Hey You’ as a down-load single because it’s “the bollocks”. This has left the band as confused as the proverbial blind lesbian in Billingsgate. Your thoughts are welcome…

June 16. By the shaven balls of Lee McQueen, things are hotting up! Movie legend Vic Bateman met up with Stinky and Gal to discuss the Rejects film, and invite the lads to the set of the excellent new Brit horror-flick ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’. (The tag-line is a beaut: "Two no-hopers. A Cursed Village. One hell of a night!" Which frankly sounds like Gal and Clyde on the razz in Waterlooville...)

* Prankster news: tonight’s planned JP meeting was adjourned due to the non-arrival of Terence Hayes. The WM did promise faithfully to get to the pub for 8pm but in fairness he didn’t specify what day, week, month or year that would be. Instead of Tel, Prankster stewards were shocked to detect the presence in the snug of one Michael ‘Mickey Fitz’ Fitzsimmons. Fitzy was expelled from the League of Herbert Gentlefolk back in the 1980s by order of Ron Rouman himself. He now leads the break-away ‘League of Slippery Herberts’. He was described as “lurking” and “skulking”. So was Mick’s presence, and Tel’s absence, a coincidence or something more disturbing? Has the Pranksters’ inner sanctum been revealed and our security jeopardised by someone on the inside? Yes! And we know who blabbed. A ruminative Lord Waistrel said: “I can smell their fear, and something worse, the stench of betrayal.” Although it may just have been the curry. In the spirit of punk-oi unity we should point out that Fitzy's Business are off to play Hungary this weekend, and will undertake a full UK tour in July, followed by Germany and then, intriguingly, Chile.

June 13. Last night saw the first annual conference of the Jolly Pranksters’ French equivalent, Les Espiègles Gais. We are privileged to be able to reproduce the minutes. Président Jean-Jacques Pénisrose: “Bonsoir – ici nous avons les diagrammes moderne d’un mouton anglo-francais, maintenant, baa-aa, baa-aa…nous avons, dans le tete, le canine. Ici, on se trouve le petite captaine Anglais, Terence Hayes.” Piere Pantalon-Flatulent: “Vive Terence, vive le WM.” Président Jean-Jacques: “D’accord, d’accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collegue, le pouf celebre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.” Piere: “Pourquoi les DOM a-t-ils élevé des dreadlocks?” Fascinating stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree. The minutes go on for a further 76 pages. They were passed unanimously. Next week, big fun with Fritz Ohr-Wachs und Herr Grobe Beleidigung of Berlin’s own Die Lustigen Schelme.

June 11. We were out on the town with promising all-girl rockers The Veez tonight. We are trying to interest them in a joint venture, a moving rock opera called La Nuit de Crumpet based on the true story of a barmaid from Shoreditch who married a cannibal. The first half is described as a riot of colour, Bombardier bitter and half-eaten pot-men. Sadly the fun was diminished by Chinese Tim who is said by Sandra Lane to have “transgressed the unwritten law and let himself down appallingly.” Tim’s outrageous crime was to charge us the full price for his food and booze instead of offering the usual “mates’ rates” or waving us off with a cheery “On the house! Have one more drink, then you go”. The Gonads take this affront to civilised behaviour extremely seriously. Tim’s restaurant is to be boycotted until further notice. So moot it be. On a slightly more serious matter, the band would urge all of our Irish following to vote No tomorrow! F*** the EU!

June 10. Rancid are back over on tour in November. The likes of Argy-Bargy, the Last Resort and the UK Subs will be supporting the lads for a couple of dates apiece. Sadly we aren't available, but that's probably just as well. The Beast explains: “In fairness, not even Rancid would want to follow the Gonads. Imagine being blown off stage by a bunch of Sarf London tossers, they’d never live down the shame. If, however, Lars and co are still keen on a joint gig, we’re happy to let them open for us at the Anchor in Charlton a bit later in the year. They can buy the beer, we'll lay on the scratchings.”

* STOP PRESS: Fiddler's Elbow gig postponed...

June 7. Apparently we will be releasing a saw-blade in advance of the new album. Do what, you say? The Beast explains that a saw-blade is a kind of single in the shape of a circular saw pressed on coloured vinyl. Ours will be released by Empty and will feature our awesome new Gonads anthem ‘Franken-Skin’ which is not even on the album. The plan is to share the saw-blade with the great German Oi/Ska band Springtoifel. (Although frankly it seems more suited to the Carpenters.) We are currently talking to US labels about a Stateside release and will let you know when we do. Toodle-pip.

* No word yet from Ben Shepherd. Will he bottle out of the big fight challenge? Is he on the run? Has he emigrated? Or is there another reason for his silence? (In the interests of fairness, we should point out that the respectable GMTV presenter may not actually read our news pages on a regular basis.)

June 6. A big thanks to Darryl Gates of Diamond Jacks tattoo parlour in Soho for masterly work on our new tatts. Diamond Jacks is the UK’s leading punk rock tattoo emporium. Mil Martinez of Tommy Schitt and the Punishment F***ers also works here (they’re playing the Railway in Bromley on the 19th and are well worth seeing). We can’t recommend this place strongly enough. It’s in Walker’s Court and was once owned by tattoo legend Dennis Cockell who was doing our tatts (and some of the Cockney Rejects’ ones) back in the early 1980s.

June 5. West Ham fans have started an internet campaign to see GMTV’s Ben Shepherd take on Jeff ‘Stinky’ Turner in a charity boxing match. The fans want to establish which of the two claret and blue fans is the toughest Hammer. Ben won his three round celebrity boxing bout against soul singer Lemar in March (Sports Relief) on points. Turner, singer of the Cockney Rejects, fought for England as a boy. The Rejects have posted Jeff’s response to the challenge on YouTube – he says “I’d love to fight that wally but looking at the state of him he should come through an elimination bout with my daughter first.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL_f_GSSnWU But Stinky might not have it all his own way. Ricky Hatton helped train Ben for his last bout and said he was amazed by the younger man's fitness levels. Ricky told him: "I'm really impressed. You certainly don't look like a novice. From a stamina point of view, I've seen many people come in the gym and crumble on their first day but that didn't happen." Great stuff, but will it be as legendary as Gal's 1980s clash with Lloyd Honeyghan? If Stinky wins, Tony Van Frater plans to ask Lorraine Kelly how long he can stay in her ring.

6pm Big fight update. Boxing legend (and former UKIP candidate) Frank Maloney tells us that Jeff's age would be a problem as all charity fights have to be done under ABA rules which means both boxers have to be under 35. BUT there is nothing to stop the bout happening as an unlicenced fight…except the huge cost of insurance for Ben Shepherd. Boxing expert Steve Lillis notes: “It would be a good fight. Jeff hasn’t fought for a bit and Ben is one, determined fit f***er. Nice bloke too.” (Eh? Jeff hasn’t fought for a bit? Is he sure? Oh I get it, he means in the ring). PS. Didn't George Foreman win a major title at 45?

* Excellent California-based Oi combo Blunt have recorded Garry Johnson’s poem Bonehead – Father For Justice as a punk anthem. Originally from Cheshire and Coventry, Blunt exist to educate the Septics in the true ways of English Streetpunk. Gawd bless em.

June 4. A shadow hangs over the planned Badder Fest. Organiser Spider Mike says: “The idea of a boozy all-dayer at a private farm featuring the Gonads, the East End Badoes, the Black Marias, the Snapping Pussies, and Stinky Turner as DJ playing the best that modern Oi has to offer sounds great on paper. But now that it emerges that the Badoes’ following consists entirely of hardcore transvestites and gay-as-Paree Frenchmen it puts a different light on the event. Some Badoes fans are homosexualists, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but if an element start turning up in cocktail dresses, lolling about in haystacks spouting French and letting their perfumed attack poodles off the leash the consequences may be unthinkable.” Indeed. So what next? Says Spider: “I am tempted to either restrict the event to friends of the bands only, or to recruit Parisian drag acts onto the bill to make Terry Hayes feel at home. But that could be the thin end of the wedge. Who will the Badoes want to bring next? Ronaldo and his lady-boys? Max Mosley and his non-Nazi mistresses? Crystal bloody Palace fans? The mind bogles. To be honest I’d rather jack it in and get Punk On The Pier sorted.” The crisis has been referred to the Oi Organising Committee for adjudication.

June 2. Gal's new podcast is definitely up and running http://www.totalrock.com/podcast/GarryBushell-05-2008.mp3 Funny stuff.

May 31. Word filters back from the East Coast Oi! Festival, which saw the emergence of our pals the East End Badoes as a serious farce, sorry, force for the global oi-oi revival thang. First up was their 3am Lower Manhattan gig which ended in an all-mighty punch-up quelled by burly transvestite bouncers (honestly), and Terry Hayes (WM) attracting a following that was both gay and French, but we’ll draw a discreet veil over that because the lads went on to triumph big time at the Oi fest. “1500 in and they stormed it,” says our man down the front in the fetching pink beret, with garlic bread and a string of onions up his aris. Unfortunately the 4-Skins had to pull out of their Saturday night headline slot following a mass ruck (4-fugsake!). A left-wing skin bird was rowing with a right-wing skin bird; neither of whom had the good grace to do it a) topless or b) in a mud bath. This culminated with the dance floor looking like a Wild West bar-room brawl. The chaos only ended when the cops arrived waving hand-guns about like hysterical tarts. The rest of the gig was cancelled, which meant Hodges and co had to play their set at 6pm the next night. Not ideal. But there you go. Still the Badoes have been re-booked for next year. We may even play it ourselves, as long as Connie agrees to be our flag-girl/wife… Anyhow, talk of right-wing skin-girls reminds us of Charlotte The Vet. Whatever happened to her? OK, her political ideas were poisonous, her views offensive to all but the dimmest glue-sniffing knuckle-dragging Neanderthal moron but boy, when she kept her gob shut she was gorgeous …(continued one of our autobiographies) . In the interest of balance we should point out that Red Virginia Turbett has a Sid Vicious picture exhibition at Proud Camden starting on Tuesday…(we’ve been to Camden, what the **** have they got to be proud about?)

* Shocking to see cheap, tacky John Rotten and Sid Vicious action dolls on sale in Blackpool. Shocking that we didn’t think of it first, I mean. Reports that there was a Gal Gonad action figure on sale too turned out to be mistaken. It was a Pavarotti doll.

May 25. Talent contest news. Gal and Spider Mike had a text from Ray Winstone on Sunday morning asking why they were in Blackpool. 'Working on the North Pier with Bobby Ball' they said. 'Good,' the great man replied. 'it needs a lick of paint.' No decent bands yet, says Spider, but Gal was raving about Russell Walters whose fat-bloke-reggae version of 'Mysterious Girl' was deemed "bloody hilarious." Expect to see Russ opening for us if the planned Punk On The Pier gig happens later this year.

* Ska & Reggae news - Upcoming Gigs @ Rhythm Factory, E1 1EW: June 7th - SKA ALLNIGHTER feat Do The Dog Is 12 (Rebelation, Newtown Kings, Robb Blake, Dirty Revolution, Drewvis) £8.50 advance. August 2nd - [spunge] + Catch It Kebabs, Shoot The Moon, Junction 24. £10 Advance. Upcoming gigs at other venues: July 3rd - Reggae For The People (Pama Int'l, The Slackers, The Pietasters, Mungos Hi Fi) Bristol Bierkeller. £15 Advance. July 4th - Reggae For The People (Pama Int'l, The Slackers, The Pietasters, Mungos Hi Fi)London ULU £15 Advance.

May 23. Garry Johnson and a “menopausal” Jennie Bellestar joined Gal to record a new pod-cast for next month’s big Download Festival. Gal J was plugging his re-released ‘The Story Of Oi’ (New Breed books), Jen her latest ska outfit, Dance Brigade – featuring good old Lee Thompson from Madness. After the show, the party adjourned to the 12-Bar bumping into legendary Noise punk hackette Bev Elliot, the Hunter S. Thompson of Soho. The next 12 hours were lost in a haze of shady bars, tattoo parlours, guitar shops, off-licences and strip joints as the Buxom Bevster entertained us with tales of her journalistic blagging – including gate-crashing Paul Simonon's recent art launch claiming to work for Rolling Stone, and her prowess at the Vegas punk ten pin bowling do in January. Long story short, Gal J has a fresh ‘I Love Bevvy’ tattoo on his helmet, and Bev will rejoin the Gonads as flag girl and backing vocalist when we play the 12 Bar. Over to you, Barnet Mark…

PS. Gal says his latest Total Rock pod-cast is up and running now, but we couldn’t down-load the bloody thing. Apparently it includes tracks from the Ducky Boys, The Hungover Stuntmen, Superyob, Censored and Vix N The Kix.

May 21. We get a message from WM Terence Hayes. “Meet me at the Bear & Ragged Staff in Crayford, 7.30pm,” the great man orders. The troops rally, the pub is located. At 7.29pm we pull up in the car park. No Tel. We call his mobile. Once, twice, three times. No joy. Charlton badges boldly on display, we check every nook and cranny of the battle cruiser which is crawling with beered up Chelsea fans. The WM is nowhere to be found. We leave the pub. We call again. Terry answers. “Where are you?” he asks. “In the car-park,” we say. “Where are you?” “At home,” he says before hanging up. We leave, dejected, the great prankster’s laughter ringing loudly in our ears. The Badoes fly to the US for the big East Coast Oi festival tomorrow. If ever a plane needs hi-jacking, it’s this one…

May 20. RIP Kenny Tyler.

May 18. Gig news. We’re playing BH2 again on Saturday 28th June, with Splodgenessabounds The Warriors and the Clitoris Allsorts. Doors open at 7pm. Tickets £10. We’re set to headline the Studio, Hartlepool on 30 August, plus we’re 99% confirmed for the big scooter rally at West Mersea, Essex, on Friday September 5th. The Beast is scouting for other London venues for the summer, including ones in Charlton, the Angel and Archway, with Dirty Ugly Punk Monkeys supporting. There is also talk of us playing “Badder Fest” (no relation to Badfest) later in the year with the East End Badoes and other unsavoury herberts. The event, currently at the planning stage, has been described as “100% no compromise ‘Oisteddfod’,” whatever that means.

May 17. We’ve got some merchandise in stock, which you can buy direct from Waistrel Enterprises. There are a few copies left of ‘Old Boots, No Panties’ (£9 including postage and packing), some limited edition Gonads/Klasse Kriminale vinyl ep (£5 inc p&p), copies of ‘Cockney Reject’ by Jeff Turner and Garry Bushell (£18 inc p&p) and signed copies of ‘Two-Faced’ by Garry Bushell (£10 inc p&p). For postal prices outside of the UK and other enquiries email merchandise@arrmo.fsnet.co.uk.

* * Our old mate punk legend Vince Riordan from the Cockney Rejects was admitted to hospital yesterday with heart problems. His GP suspected he was suffering from angina, but our mole reveals: “On closer inspection the specialist found that the problem was actually caused by a trapped nerve in Vinnie's neck. They couldn’t find a heart at all…”

May 16. Historic times. Today saw the return to public life of one Terence Aloysius Hayes. Yes, the Supreme Prankster has returned. From where, you ask? Prison, say some. Rehab, say others. Or was he just off imparting higher wisdom on the mysteries of the universe and the duties of Brotherhood to the Dalai Lama? Some day it will become clear. All we know for sure is that Tel was seen in the 12 Bar today, with Gal, The Beast, Trebek bassist Mike Kelly (leading MPL official from Boston), half of Insane Society, Barry Cain (author of 77 Sulphate Strip) and the stunning Vix (don’t call her Vicky!) ex-Fuzzbox, currently in Vix & The Kix. Such company! Such excitement! Surely the gang would be painting the town red until the early hours of next week? “I would have a second beer,” said Terry, “but I’ve got to get home for me tea.” So mote it be.

May 15. This is funny. Gal is judging some big talent contest in Blackpool with Bobby Ball and the Thai bride from Corrie for most of the summer. It costs a tenner to enter and there’s cash to be won among other things. For a wind-up, let’s all have a go – bands, poets, lap-dancers, filth-hounds. Imagine the look on Bobby Ball’s face when the first band come on and say: “Good evening Blackpool, we’re the Festering F***-wits…rock on Tommy.” (www.seachforastar.biz).

May 13. Gal’s birthday got off to a cracking start this morning with five of the Bushell Babes putting on a dance display in his front garden to the tune of ‘Liquidator’, ‘It Mek’ and ‘Dat’. We’re reliably informed their performance raised more than eye-brows... The old Gonads firm are convening at the Newbridge for 12noon for a tincture or two. Hope Gal’s sober enough to sing at the big Pranksters’ do tonight.

May 12. Thank you for your interest in our missing flag and for your kind offers of replacements. Sadly Chelsea flags (two offers), West Ham flags (three offers) and a Celtic flag (one drummer’s offer) really aren’t adequate substitutes for our beloved national emblem. The search goes on. Inspector Anus of the Yard says “Keep ’em peeled.” (Think he means eyes, but if he's talking about the Bushell babes, we're all in favour!)

May 11. A furious Lord Waistrel today ordered a full-scale official inquiry into last night's shocking theft of our England flag. Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, Scrotum said: “I have never seen his Lordship so incandescent with fury. When he learnt about this tragic loss he nearly choked on his breakfast (kedgeree made with quail’s eggs cooked in the sweat of Colombian peasants) and screwed up his Sunday Telegraph in a rage.” We understand Waistrel’s wrath was considerably heightened when he learnt that Gonads security enforcers Big Jim and Scotch John had spent the night in the Star of Bengal instead of minding the band at BH2. Rapid disciplinary action is expected. An over-reaction you say? Think again. Band historian Norman Stoned explains: “This was no ordinary England flag, the red in the Gonads stage flag is actually dyed in the blood of beaten Crystal Palace fans from the bitter territorial clashes of the mid-Eighties. The white is encrusted with the dried snot of belligerent Jocks. When held against a light the banner is reputed to show the face of the sainted Derek “Gypo” Hales. It was blessed by no less a figure than Eddie Firmani. In many ways this flag is as important as the Turin Shroud, the Holy Grail or the Spear of Destiny, perhaps more so. Had it existed in 1939, there’s no doubt that Hitler would have put it on his shopping list of global icons and re-doubled his invasion plans." Indeed. Norm goes on: "As it was the Luftwaffe blew the roof off of Gal’s Nan’s house in Charlton, giving strength to rumours that acting on the advice of his psychics, the beast of Berlin had wanted to destroy the Gonads before they were even born in order to stop them revealing his homosexuality in the future.” (You're babbling now, man). Waistrel is offering a substantial reward for the flag's return: five English guineas, a packet of beef jerky and an unwashed pair of Antonia Moore’s undercrackers.

* There's a good Iron Maiden special tucked away on CNN today: 08:30, 14:30, 19:30; repeated tomorrow 14:30, 18:30.

May 10. A great gig at BH2 tonight with Sham, the Clitoris Allsorts, the Anoraks and the Black Marias. We particularly liked the Marias. “This is our first song,” they said. “It’s called C***!” Quality. Our set featured the twin guitars of Brian Hayes (ex-Upstarts) and Tony Feedback, for the very first time. Andy Gonad was on bass, Bobby Gonad on harp and Paul McGonad was back on the drums after serving his suspension for a gross misdemeanor (blowing his nose on our England flag.) Thanks to Paul for stepping in at the last minute after Sarah Vezmar was detained “giving a swimming lesson.” (Insert your own breast stroke jokes here). The only problem with the show was our flag got stolen. Yes that’s right. The cross of St George was swiped. Thieving West Ham bastards! It wouldn’t have happened in Charlton. (They would have had the amps and all). See this is what happens when our flag girls let us down. Hang your heads in shame: Wattsie, Karen, Vikki, Zoe and Charlton Lisa. (But you will all be forgiven in return for some light sexual horseplay, notes the Beast). Tonight’s set was: Alconaut, Yeti, Grant Mitchell, Oi Mate, That’s Oi, England’s Glory, Valhallaballoo, Beer, UK Sub, and London Boys/Maybe It’s Because I’m A Londoner. Encore: Chaos/Go Mad With The Gonads. Always a great atmosphere at the new Bridge. Highlight of the gig? Gal's Norman Collier impression. Good to meet the lads from Lithuania. Was Terry Hayes there? What do you think? Of course he weren't, but to be honest we never invited him. You can only snub us so many times you know. Still we’ll come and see you at Crayford on Wednesday Tel. (Will we f***!) Till the next time, oi oi!

Another fine outing for the Beastmobile last night, which managed to acquire a flat tyre and temporarily lose a window. Check out our luxury tour bus here: http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.chestervillefair.com/images/BatteredCar.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.chestervillefair.com/main.html&h=480&w=640&sz=72&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=WxtXkqEgU0j_4M:&tbnh=103&tbnw=137&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbattered%2Bcar%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG. Many thanks to the Beast for his self-less chauffeuring.

May 8. Garry Johnson's book 'The Story Of Oi' (from 1981) has been republished by New Breed Books, with 'The Boys Of The Empire' as a bonus. It costs £12.99 plus p&p. Order direct from: http://www.newbreedbooks.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=150

May 7. This Saturday's gig - with Sham 69 at BH2 - has sold out. If you haven't got a ticket, sadly we can't get you in...unless you wanna be flag girl.

May 4. Here is Wattsie’s verdict on the Dublin Castle: “I doubt anyone could have had a better night in Camden last night! What happended to you - you were bloody brilliant!! The crowd loved you. There were people I've never seen at a Gonads gig getting really into it. It was the best I've ever seen you. It was SO funny when Gal came off stage and pretended to have a snog with Antonia.(I just hope she doesn't get a shaving rash...) Tony was buzzing on and off stage. His wife and I both agree he's at his best in The Gonads. Drummer Paul Gonad played well and what a nice bloke. Well done everyone and considering that it was only his second gig with you - he was great! OK not as pretty as Sarah but he delivered. Andy was his usual cool, laid-back self who adds a bit of punk glamour to the band. You were tight. Love being your flag pole, it's less effort than sliding up and down poles.. not that I'm an expert in that and only been down a fireman's pole once at the station off Jamaica Road SE1. (Careful - Ed) Support band M.O.T band were good too, but the drummer is really the lead guitarist who was filling in. Lyrically they were like Madness crossed with The Stone Roses and a bit of The Jam thrown in.” Yeah but enough about them, Shone, tell us more about us.

Our set was: Alconaut, It’s A Yeti, Valhallaballoo, Oi Mate, Grant Mitchell, England’s Glory, That’s Oi!, Beer, Pink Tent, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, Tuckers, London Boys. Encores: Sandra Bigg, Go Mad With The Gonads, Chaos. Flag-girl: Wattsie, pride of Dartford Common. Cabaret: Cherry from the Badoes. Legends in attendence: Antonia Moore, Tottenham Sean, Weller's Mate and the Dirty Ugly Punk Monkeys. No show: Terence Hayes, who due to a SatNav error is believed to have gone to a castle in Eire by mistake.

* The penny has dropped. Our pal Terry Hayes (EEB, JP, MPL and bar) is always promising to turn up places and failing to materialise. He says he’ll meet you for a beer and doesn’t show. He’s got something for you that never arrives…you know who he reminds us of? Our local mini-cab firm. Their cars are always “five minutes away” or “just turning in to your road” yet they never actually reach your house. That’s what Tel should do for a living: open a cab office. Prankster Cars; slogan ‘Proudly Taking You Nowhere’.

* Rancid whisper: word is the new Rancid album is finished and "a belter." It's due out July/August, followed finally by the mighty Masons' debut.

May 3. Sorry chaps, we’ve just been informed that there is no guest-list for tonight’s show at the Dublin Castle. Consequently we expect to have 27 "backing singers."

May 2. Nice write up from the Dublin Castle’s May programme which says: ‘The comedic punk ska pop that the Gonads produce these days has some fine buoyant dance appeal and brilliant lyrics, and if some art-house clever-dicks from Hoxton produced it they’d be proclaimed as genius.” Ta, chaps.

May 1. Happy May Day! Job one: Get Ken Out! Job two, gentlemen, release your maypoles, ladies, dance, drink deep, enjoy.

April 30. Found in Gal’s shed – the long-lost soap version of American Trilogy which we recorded about twelve years ago. We’ll stick it on the rarities album which hopefully will be out some time next year.

27/4. Concerned reader Dominic of Chelsea rings with news that WM Terry Hayes, feared dead, may have been spotted in Vienna yesterday. “At first I wasn’t sure it was him,” he says. “But then he arranged to meet me for a Sunday drink and didn’t turn up.” The evidence seems overwhelming.

26/4. A historic moment tonight as Gal ran into his old adversary Lloyd Honeyghan (retired welterweight world boxing champ) up West – the first time they’d met since their big fight back in the 1980s. Gal reminded the great man of their controversial two-round encounter. “Yeah man,” said Lloyd. “I had to hit you cos you were a big guy and I thought you might punch like Lennox Lewis.” (Stop chortling!) Chances of a rematch seem regrettably unlikely.

April 25. Whoopedoo! Next weekend’s Dublin Castle gig is back on! Be there or be somewhere else… PS. Viva Las Vegas are on at the 12-Bar tonight. Well worth seeing.

April 24. Album news, we’re busy negotiating with a visionary German record company. ("My new deal is with Europe. I’m going into partnership with a German organization - yer, the Krauts! They’ve got ambition, know-how, and they don’t lose their bottle.” – Harold Shand). It looks likely that ‘Live Free, Die Free’ will be out in August. More details to follow…

April 24. Oh what a night, what a day, what a party! St George’s Day events started at the Gunmakers in Marylebone, the Pranksters held their traditional fayre down in rural Sussex and Andy Swallow’s Essex football Academy hosted a full-scale knees-up complete with a ten-foot Troll, midgets, a dragon to slay and five-a-side football in front of an enthusiastic 1500-strong crowd. Bradley Walsh dropped out of the Circus Tavern do, due to being in Wales playing a villain in Doctor Who spin-off the Sarah Jane Chronicles. But Bobby Davro’s gatlin-gun delivery of gags more than made up for it. The night featured a startling array of acts ranging from the excellent young Eltham herberts Krakatoa to Bruce Forsyth’s delightful daughter Julie (all right my love?) Sarah Vezmar sang ‘England My Land’ with Leah McCaffrey and then went on to play drums with us – learning the songs in the dressing room minutes before we went on stage. Multi-talented Sarah may now be joining us permanently from May. (I mean, look at her, then look at Manic…who would you rather share a van with?) The packed bill included Chris Hare (mind-reader), comic Dave Lee (John Prescott’s love-child), Censored (the buzz band of the East Midlands), the Petty Hoodlums (sharp-dressed, soul-infused Mod maestros), Rhoda Dakar and Nick Welsh from the marvellous Skaville UK, and show-toppers The Jam DRC (the best damn Jam tribute band in the country, if not the world). Eddie Piller supplied a magical mix of ska, soul, punk and oi. Our set, introduced by Eddie, was short and sweet: ‘England’s Glory’ with the fragrant Shona as flag-girl and ‘Oi Mate’, before Tone went off plan and fired out a boisterous medley of ‘Beer’ and ‘London Boys’. And if that shocked some of the older audience members, they should thank their lucky stars there was no time for our delightful new ditty ‘Dogging In Dartford (Wattsy Mix)’... Gal’s hearty thanks to everyone who took part and raised money for the Benny Hill statue fund. Herograms especially to the Jam DRC for supplying the back-line, Shona our stage manager, and cuddly Kent comic Dave, a recovering anorexic who stepped in after Mickey Pugh was called away to the Paul O’Grady Show. We’re not sure what he stepped in, but the backstage area reeked. Big Dave had just necked three bottles of wine when we called, but in true Gonads style he still staggered on stage. The audience included such luminaries as Hoxton Tom, Cockney comic Dirty Rob, Pinky, hardcore Gonads loyalists Gill Gale and Weller’s Mate, Rhoda’s friend Min Jeeta and esteemed New Breed book publisher Jamie O’Keefe. Controversies were few and far between. Indeed the big question of the night was: where was WM Terence Hayes? He said he was coming, he lives five minutes from the venue….We couldn’t get any closer to him unless we played in his back garden. And it may yet come to that. Preferably at 5 in the morning. But what’s this? The internet is flooded with rumours that El Tel is no more. Yes, sadly it is being suggested the King of England’s Pranksters may have run up the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible. Is this a Paul McCartney style hoax or has Terry actually kicked the bucket and ceased to be? Indeed, did he ever truly live? Was he a hologram? An illusion? A magnificent myth...Or just some hideously demented/visionary artist’s two-dimensional dream of Homo Perfectus? These are the questions. As ever, no answers are available.

April 23. Happy St George’s Day, one and all. If you’re coming to the Tavern show, doors open at 7pm and the show kicks off at about 7.45pm. We’re due on at 10pm.

April 22. John King’s new novel Skinheads is heartily recommended. This book is a truer picture of real skin values than anything you’ve ever read in the national press. The story revolves around three generations of one family. Terry, an original skin who loves his Ska, his nephew Nutty Ray, a devoted Oi enthusiast and Lol, Terry's son, a Rancid fan. These characters aren’t the thick racist stereotypes beloved by the idiot tabloids, they have strong working class values, including the work ethic, patriotism and dressing sharp. Shame they’re all Chelsea though, eh? Here’s the link if you want to buy it orrf of Amazon. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Skinheads-John-King/dp/0224064479

* Don’t miss the big St George’s Day celebration tomorrow night at the Circus Tavern (home of darts) in Purfleet, Essex. The bill includes us, Bobby Davro, Rhoda Dakar (already an unmissable combination), Nick Welsh, Krakatoa, The Petty Hoodlums, Censored, Mickey Pugh, Sarah Vezmar, and The Jam DRC. Last time we spoke to Gal he was trying to get Cockney legend Jimmy Jones along too. Kin’ell! Doors open 7pm. Tickets £15 on the door or buy direct now on 01708-864001. Nearest BR station: Purfleet (from Fenchurch Street), one mile from venue. Last band due on at 10.50pm. Probably.

April 20. Hell To Pay is released on DVD in the USA and Canada on June 24. Cost: $19.99 Here's the link http://store.yorkentertainment.com/pgcart.pga?product=YPD-1459

* The Pranksters' elite 'black lodge' are planning a Walpurgis Night party on May 1st. Sounds a bit suspect to us. How about a Val-Purves Night - a Blue Peter themed party; just watch out for rampant plastic...and sticky backs...

April 12. Gal, Charlton Tel, Big Jim, Scotch John, Effete El (the fighting poove), Chelsea Paul, Paraffin Jack, Chester Drawers, Old Jim, Pound Note Pete, Harry The Poodle, Shaky Alec, Rick The Rash and this news page are all off to Las Vegas today for reasons we don’t care to divulge. Let’s just say if you hear rumours of a grand, international Pranksters Organisation in weeks to come, you won’t be far off the mark. See you after Calzaghe wins.

April 11. Liberty Hayes up-date. Libs has postponed recording her album until next month. She’s co-written one song with Gal and Clyde (‘Dirty Rotten Creep’) and one with Gal and Leah McCaffrey (‘Anti-Social’). Nick Welsh and Steve Whale have both written two new tracks for her, and Libs is planning to record her own version of our ‘Drink Till I’m Skint’ with Spider Stacy from The Pogues. Can’t wait to hear it.

April 10. Ricky 'Hit Man' Hatton has added his weight to the Rejects movie film pitch. Knock-out!

* Advance warning: the Pistols play Vegas in June...

April 9. Latest whisper on the Hoxton Tom All-Stars front...the Plastic Gangsters vocalist may be joining them, to give the band more of a hard Ska edge.

7/4/08. Gal's new book, The World According To Garry Bushell, is out in August. You can pre-order it here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/World-According-Garry-Bushell/dp/1844546179/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207575615&sr=1-4. Warning this book is unlikely to appeal to the kind of wet, middle class johnny-come-lately tossers who post anonymous cobblers on modculture forums.

5/4/08. Keeping the retro mood afloat, former boss skinhead Kevin Rippe (West Ham & Bar) popped along to our local today. Kevin, known as Nasty Kev by those who took his enthusiastic approach to gig security the wrong way, is now heavily involved in the scooterist world. Long story short, ten pints later the Gonads are signed to play a major event at West Mersea, Essex, in September. Says Wattsie: “There was some concern when loud cries of ‘Comply or die’ were heard from our table, but this turned out just to be a commentary on the Grand National and nothing to do with Kev’s generous contractual offer.” Details of the gig tba.

* Could it be true? Not so much a rumour as a faint whisper reaches us…coming soon, maybe…the Hoxton Tom All-Stars featuring three of the original 4-Skins…playing sets infused with oi, rock, Motown and ska...sounds good to us...you heard it here first…

4-4-08. Gal's latest pod-cast is up and running now at Total Rock.

April 1st: Our England ep is available as an iTunes down-load today. The three songs are ‘England, My Land’ by the Gonads with Sarah Vezmar; ‘Line In The Sand’ (with Kid Punk) and ‘What’s The Story? England’s Glory.’http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275442576&id=275442571&s=143444

* All of Garry Johnson's early poems are now available in handy book form. Signed copies of 'The Gangster Of Slang' cost £12 (inc p&p) and can be purchased direct from Garry c/o Oi Enterprises, 22 Bridge Road, Wickford, Essex SS11 8PE. Make cheques out to Garry Johnson.

April 1st. A tear-stained reunion today as Ska legend Lynval Golding made the journey to Gal’s deluxe Total Rock studio. The veteran star of the Specials, the Fun Boy Three, and the excellent Pama International reminded Gal that he’d last seen him piling in to Debbie Harry’s limo in New York with Debbie, Chris Stein, Ross Halfin and two women of uncertain character just over 27 years ago. GB of course gave the Specials their first-ever review (in Sounds) from their first-ever gig as the Specials supporting the Clash in Aylesbury as long ago as July 1978. We’ll let you know when the interview is up and running as there are things in it that will be of humungous interest to all Ska aficionados. Later the chaps adjourned to the 12-Bar, walking in as ‘Too Much Too Young’ was playing. Luckily Antonia Moore was on hand to capture the magical day on camera. Although her attempts to get both men to pose for pictures “in your pants” was more redolent of the loathsome Gross Halfwit than a beautiful and erudite sex goddess like wot she is. Some cheeky new tracks on this pod too from Pama, Skaville UK, Kiria, the Muvs, Liberty Hayes, Max Splodge, Beerzone, Andy Lewis and naturally the Gonads.

March 31. They seek him here, they seek him there, they seek that Prankster everywhere…what has become of Terence Hayes, EastEnd Badoe and Prankster Supreme? The WM has been AWOL for several days and appears to be as lost as the baggage at Terminal 5. The letters’ page of the Prankster Bugle (incorporating the Herbert Times) is awash with conspiracy theories, claiming that El Tel has variously been 1) kidnapped by a militant break-away faction of the MPL or 2) caught up in Formula One orgy with Brunhilde or 3) pinned down by sniper fire with Hillary Clinton or 4) is being held captive by Dom until his hair is long enough for dreads. One suggests that the Badoes have locked themselves away rehearsing for their US dates, but music experts have dismissed that possibility as “ludicrous in the extreme”.

March 30. May’s Dublin Castle gig is temporarily suspended. The gig was arranged by our guitar star Tony Feedback, but the performance fee he agreed – involving Italian beer, women’s underwear and a bag of sweets – isn’t quite enough to tempt the rest of the band. The Beast is looking in to the gig as we speak and it will be back on if he can negotiate a more reasonable fee (i.e. English beer, women in their underwear and a box of pork scratchings).

March 28. Richard England (Cadiz whizz-kid) assures us that our three track ‘St George’ ep will be available on i-Tunes as a download single from Tuesday. These are ‘England My Land’ (with Sarah Vezmar), ‘Line In The Sand’ (featuring Kid Punk) and ‘England’s Glory’ (featuring the old walrus of Oi, Gal hisself – and actually played at the right speed, the version on ‘Back & Barking’ runs slow due to a technical error...in Captain Oi’s head).

* Wattsie has posted a couple of last night’s songs on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RY2u-k1Y1s is ‘I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub)’; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hA2hI3tKuZM is ‘Oi Mate’. And here's 'Alconaut' live at the Town Mill, Mansfield from Alan White http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSV7Stcp3QM , 'Chaos' live at Mansfield, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28iun-lq61Y and 'Oi Mate' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZVWEau-VMQ. Weller's mate has posted pix on our myspace. Cheers me dear.

March 27. A fine gig tonight. The band and our mob of crazed followers (Wattsie and Karen) braved the mean streets of 'Nam (Twicke-Nam) to play Filthy’s at the Red Lion. We were supported by Warrington’s Bill Davro (no relation) and Gary Lammin who performed a solo set with a broken leg. (You don’t cross Lord Waistrel and get away with it...). The audience included Britain’s leading PPN combo (Punk Pathetique Nouveau), the intriguing Dirty Ugly Punk Monkeys and the dapper John Woodward from Long Tall Shorty. Let the records show that once again WM Terence Hayes failed to appear. Our set was: ‘Alconaut’, ‘Grant Mitchell’, ‘Oi Mate’, ‘Valhallaballoo’, ‘It’s A Yeti’, ‘England’s Glory’, ‘Tucker’s Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers’, ‘That’s Oi’, ‘Beer’, ‘I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub)’ and ‘Twickenham Boys’ – with Jamie from the Dirty Ugly Punk Monkeys on vocals and Clive from the audience offering an incendiary burst of ‘Feltham Boys’. We lost track of the encores but they are believed to have included ‘Chaos (Herbert Version)’, ‘Alconaut’ again, ‘Go Mad With The Gonads’, ‘Pink Tent’, ‘Oi Nutter’ and ‘Oi Mate’ again. With no Paul Gonad or Paul MacGonad on hand, the deluxe drumming stool was filled by trainee Gonad, Coz. And of course the delectable Shona was flag girl. Youth cult footnote: This Filthy’s is owned by Terry Rawlings (author of Mod, A Very British Phenomenon), now a four-bottles-of-wine-a-day man who reminded us agreeably of Peter Cook in his more sozzled years. Mr. Rawlings is a long-term pal of Tony Feedback, and former partner of both Eddie Piller and Paul Hallam (the Stalin of style). Thanks to Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson for chauffeuring us to the gig in a luxury limo (a K-reg rust-bucket that literally doubles in value every time he fills up the tank). We were going to add some old bollocks about Gal disappearing for half an hour and returning with his flies mysteriously at half-mast; but frankly it’s 3am, and we'd rather watch Boston Legal on Sky+.

* Where was Terence Hayes? It seems the WM met up with the Middlesex Pranksters in another Twickenham hostelry with a view to coming en masse to the gig, but was diverted by a chance meeting with local resident Trevor Bayliss (inventor of the wind-up radio). Long story short, Bayliss is now a Prankster and wind-up Badoe action figures – with or without dreadlocks - will be on the market by Christmas.

• Word arrives from Millwall’s furthest flung fan, Mr. Lars Frederiksen. Rancid have just played Salt Lake City and are off to Japan next week (first gig Osaka, April 5th – any chance of a support, chaps?). Lars will be featuring ‘Lost Souls’ from our new album on his radio show upon their return from the land of the Rising Sun. So US punks will hear the song before UK ones…unless Gal plays it on his pod-cast first. He’s due to record the next one with Lynval Golding next Tuesday 1st April. But these things are about as reliable as a Paul Burrell promise.

• In Cockney news, Mickey and Jefferson Geggus are filming more famous fans for our film pitch, including Cage Rage legend and Harry Potter star Dave Legeno, boxing pundit Steve 'Buncey' Bunce and Manchester’s own Ricky Hatton. This is a pitch aimed at potential investors in the movie, Join The Rejects…Get Yourself Killed (written by Gal and Mickey). Gal, Jeff and Cass Pennant’s contributions have already been filmed. The pitch is being put together by Dom Shaw, producer of Rough Cut & Ready Dubbed. Cass's own film is due out this Autumn.

March 26. The Gonads WILL play a short set at Gal’s St George’s Day knees-up at the Circus Tavern, Purfleet. Other bands on the bill include The Petty Hoodlums, the Jam DRC, Censored and Krakatoa. Nick Welsh will be performing with ravishing Rhoda Dakar (who promises us that she will be sternly patrolling the backstage area on the look-out for homophobic tattoos on unreconstructed light entertainers - see Brian Conley’s arse for details). Comedians Bradley Walsh and Mickey Pugh will open the show, and we’re waiting on a couple of other surprise guests. We’re also hoping that Sarah Vezmar will perform ‘England, My Land’ live. Mod legend Eddie Piller will be DJing again. It’s gonna be a good’un. Tickets are a bargain basement £15 a head (plus booking fee). Ring 01708-864001 for details. Keep St George in your heart and warm your hands on Madame Sarkozy.

March 19. Stop press. Apologies but due to "operational difficulties" the April 20th gig has now been postponed until June. Details to come asap.

March 17. Terence Hayes convened an emergency general meeting of the Jolly Pranksters at Excalibur House in Chislehurst yesterday, attended by Gal, Shady Dave, Effete El (the fighting poove), Chinese Tim and various regional representatives of our brotherhood, and affiliate organisations. As ever, the details of the day must remain private, but we can reveal that the Pranksters are planning a series of special events on St George’s Day, which will culminate at the Circus Tavern in Purfleet, Essex for a grand evening of rock and comedy (sobriety permitting). Also discussed, Gal’s plan to erect a statue of Ian Dury at Upminster. The Pranksters voted in favour, but WM Terence did point out rather witheringly that Gal hasn’t raised the money for the Benny Hill statue yet and that the brethren should “slow yerselves down” and deal with one English icon at a time. So mote it be.

March 16. A great new Discipline album coming in May. All covers. 1) "Power" - Agnostic Front. 2) "Show You No Mercy" - Cro Mags. 3) "Stand" - Motorhead. 4) "We're Not Gonna Take It" - Twisted Sister. 5) "Cum On Feel The Noizz" - Slade. 6) "I Wanna Live" - Ramones. 7) "Delirious" - Heavy Metal Kids. 8) "Don't Forget The Struggle" - Warzone. 9) "One Law For Them" - 4 Skins. 10) "Going To The Run" - Golden Earring. 11) "Rebel Yell" - Billy Idol. 12) "This Is My World" - The Crack.

March 15. Good news from Dave Courtney, OBE. Cult underworld movie Hell To Pay will finally be released on DVD in the US (and re-released in the UK) later this year. As well as DC, this ultra-violent gangster flick features Gal, Billy Murray, Mickey Pugh, Steve Whale, Dave Legeno, Cass Pennant (hooliganologist), Terry Stone and a host of colourful characters. Even Clyde is in the big Portsmouth shoot-out, where, sob, Gal and Mick get gunned dahn. It has Rancid on the soundtrack. (Wot? No Gonads?) And Your Face Here dubbed it the real Lock Stock. But considering that they started filming this in 2000, we reckon there ought to be a TV documentary about it - Hell To Make.

March 14. Vice Squad are confirmed to headline on 20th April. Says Beki: "Seeing as our drummer's uncle wrote the Benny Hill theme tune, how can we refuse?!" So it will be them, us, Grumbleboat, Rhoda Dakar and Nick Welsh, Long Tall Shorty, Vix N The Kix, The East End Badoes and the Essex Pistols all for a cockle (for the benefit of our Northern readers, that's £10). All profits go to the Benny Hill Statue Fund. Memo to Bargain Hunt – give up now! You'll never find better than this. It's the greatest deal in town! PS. Beki, if at any time you feel the need to chase us round the dressing room Benny Hill-stylee, while dressed alluringly, we will reluctantly go along with it.

* Tragic news. Sandra Bigg is emigrating to Cyprus. Seems the shock of seeing us live was too much for the poor woman. Either that or she couldn't bear the thought of Gal being taken. Nah, it'll be the gig.

* Sandy Lane tells us Filthy's was rammo last night - another triumph for proprietor P. Hallam (the Stalin of Style). If you're looking for a decent Guinness on St Patrick's Day (Monday) you'll have to go a long way to find a better pint than at Filthy's. They officially serve the second best Nigerian Lager (or 'Arthurs') in London. Filthy MacNasty's, 68 Amwell St, EC1R 1UU (020 7837 6067/www.filthymacnastys.com) Angel tube.

PS. The real reason for Paul's visit to Gonads HQ? An impassioned plea for us to reinstate 'Karl Marx Supported Millwall' in the set. The request has been passed on to the Beast for adjudication.

* A message arrives from Francis Wheen urging us to put ‘Reinfected’ on the new album. We are touched that the great man takes such an interest in our works but sadly ‘Reinfected’ won’t see the light of day until 2009. (The same goes for Poet Laureate Andrew Motion’s request for an early re-release of ‘Got Any Wrigleys, John?’) As well as being a renowned author and humourist, Mr. Wheen is also the world's leading Iain Duncan Smith celebrity look-alike (sadly, not a great source of income). His book 'How Mumbo-Jumbo Conquered The World' is heartily recommended.

March 13. Manic Esso is doing a new book reading at Filthys (at the Angel) tonight; a lot of old faces will be there and the punk poster display is not to be missed.

March 11. Vice Squad may well be topping the bill at the Garage gig on April 20th, bassist permitting, while Mod legend Eddie Piller and The Jam DRC have joined the bill for the April 23rd St George’s Day bash at the Circus Tavern. Watch this space for details. Full ticket details tba.

March 10. Max Splodge calls from a drunk tank in Dagenham to request your presence at the recording of the video for his Christmas single: ‘Tommy The Christmas Tree’. The sly dog has recruited nubile punk director Sarah Pink to film the vid; and even though his single will be in direct competition with our own vastly superior ‘The Greatest Cockney Christmas’ we’re trying to help the old boy out (cos we’re good guys of course…either that or cos Gal has been hypnotised by Ms Pink’s comely curves). So the deal is, they’re shooting on Sunday, 16th March, at a Central London location and they need a cast of punks, skins, Goths, rockers, and “interesting and fantastic people” – this rules out Spider Mike – to turn up for the day. Says Sarah: “The aim of the video is to present a united front of London’s alternative music scenes and to promote the original punk DIY ethos by doing just that and doing it ourselves. The whole project will be managed independently without industry involvement.” The other aim is to do it for peanuts. Max can’t pay your expenses. He can't even buy you a drink (so no change there) and all Sarah is offering is “to add a bit of sparkle to your Karma” (bloody hippies). They’re shooting between 10am and 5pm. If you are interested in taking part then send a couple of current photos of yourself to info@peafish.com. Sarah is also open to ideas. “Try me,” she says. “You never know I might say yes!” (A dribbling Tony Van Gonad is ordering up the “Jekyll” Viagra already). Lord Waistrel has sadly forbidden us from taking part. He promises that the video for our own Xmas single will involve “lap-dancers, fire-eaters, circus acts, midgets and a martial arts display team, with a lavish buffet and free beer for all involved; this will also be shot on March 16th”. Unfortunately his Lordship can’t as yet commit to a year.

March 9. Gal was deluged with excited texts from Tony Van Frater today. In between serving up cornets on the mean streets of Sunderland Tone was listening to the final mix of the new album. “Who’s the bird singing on ‘Zombie Skins’?” asked Tone. “She’s got a fantastic voice, man.” He went on: “Get me her number, Gal, tell her I can get well stocked up on the ol' black market Viagra.” Told that the ‘bird’ was Gal’s wife Leah McCaffrey, the phone texts and the drool mysteriously dried up, until finally a diplomatic “Well she’s got a great voice” message came through. Rumours that Scotch John has been dispatched to the frozen North on a mission to ram a 99 right up the loop-hole of our favourite ice cream man’s contract can not be confirmed or denied.

March 8. Why was Paul Hallam, ace face of Modernist Millwall Marxism, visiting Gonads’ HQ on Saturday? Why was a man of his stamp driving “a poor fake Jag”? Why did the so-called Stalin of Style ask Gal to conceal seventeen opened and partially consumed bottles of cider around the gaff and then to take a blood oath not to discuss certain issues in public? These are the questions. Next week, unless a brown paper envelope stuffed with twenties appears, we’ll be publishing the answers…

March 7. Liberty Hayes starts recording her album next month. Exciting. Libs has also asked Dale “The Beast” Beeson if he can arrange for her to “divorce” her Dad, the right honourable Terence Hayes (WM). Says The Beast: “Ordinarily she would have a good case, but as the Dad in question is the Supreme Prankster for all of England, I’m afraid I will have to pass.”

March 4. It’s done! The new Gonads album is finished and it’s a belter. Steve Whale joined Gal, Pat Collier and Dale “The Beast” Beeson at the historic mix in South London today. The album title is still being debated, but Gal wants to call it ‘Live Free, Die Free’. The full track-list will be: 1) Cemetery Of The Lost Souls 2) Valhallaballoo 3) Conquest 4) Love Is A Lie (21st Century Bonnie & Clyde) 5) Attack of the Zombie Skinheads 6) The Growler (L.F.M.L.) 7) Drink Till I’m Skint 8) Pink Tent 9) London Boys 10) Long Ska Summer 11) Pie & Mash 12) The Greatest Cockney Christmas. There will be three additional rare bonus tracks: South London Aggro Girls, S.V.L. and Hey You. And a penalty track: Duelling Badoes. Guest vocalists include Liberty Hayes (Love Is A Lie, Drink Till I’m Skint), Jennie Bellestar (Long Ska Summer) and Leah McCaffrey (Zombie Skinheads). The album features ferocious fretwork from Tony Van Frater, the dynamite drumming of Paul Haslin, the beefy bass work of Big Billy Boy and the sultry sitar of Corporal Mustard (Hamish Patel) on Pie & Mash. Steve Whale guests on Conquest. Steve reckons it’s “the greatest street-punk album I’ve heard in years, the band has grown up, the songs are better, the singings better, but it’s still unmistakably the Gonads, it’s the best album you’ve ever done.” WM Terence Hayes, who performs on Duelling Badoes, turned up at the wrap party at the Moghul Indian Restaurant, with Liberty, Bianca From Barking (a Trappist monk) and Lord Waistrel who proclaimed the album “a blinder” adding “There are now no doubts who the Kings of Street-Punk really are.” The Beast tells us that the band has yet to secure a deal for the album, but says Hellcat, Epitaph, G&R, Taang, Captain Oi, Soitainly International and the rest “should form an orderly queue with their chequebooks in hand.”

Feb 26. Good news from our mates Koopa. Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 has signed up to produce their debut album. It will be engineered by Chris Holmes and released by Pied Piper Records of Nashville. The lads start recording in LA in April…

Feb 24. The new 4-Skins debuted in Berlin last night. Apparently they are now the 5-Skins, as Milky joined Gary Hodges on vocals through-out (footage on YouTube.) "That Milky should be in intensive care," observed one frustrated on-looker. There's a joke in there somewhere, apparently.

Feb 23. Strike a bleedin' light! Gal’s Cock Sparrer pod-cast special is finally up and running on Total Rock. You can hear it here: http://www.totalrock.com/podcast/GarryBushell-02-2008.mp3

Feb 21. Look out for the Irish dogs on Saturday. Hoxton Tom the greyhound is running. http://www.igb.ie/Upcoming-Events/Upcoming-Race-Cards/Upcoming-Race-Summary/view-race-form/?Track=LFD&Date=23-Feb-2008&RaceNumber=9. Meanwhile rumours circulating that Tom will represent the people's republic of Hoxton in the 100 metres dash at the Chinese Olympics turn out to be fanciful.

Feb 20. WM Terry Hayes and Liberty made a peace-keeping visit to Kent last night to heal the rift between the hardcore Spartans and the Persians which is threatening to tear the Pranksters apart. As well as that old cobblers, Libs revealed that she is recording her debut album with a number of seriously impressive guest musicians. More on this shortly.

Feb 19. We've just heard the rough mix of the two new songs written by Gal and Nick Welsh of Skaville UK and they're brilliant. 'Reinfected' sounds like the Kinks, while 'Threes Up' is a hilarious singalong knees-up. Bloody shame we can't add them to the new album...but Dale 'the Beast' Beeson is insisting we keep it "loud, proud and punk."

Feb 16. A feast of rock and nostalgia at the new Bridgehouse (BH2) tonight with some real legends in attendance including Chris Pope from Pope, the brothers Geggus, Hoxton Tom and Gary Sparks (ex-Purple Hearts). Rhoda Dakar and Nick Welsh were coming but Rhoda’s car conked out! They are joining the bill at the Garage gig in Camden though. Also in the audience, such noted luminaries as Sandra Bigg (really big), Charlton Lisa, Weller’s Mate, Sarah Pink and Sarf London stunner Wattsie who was flag girl. Leah McCaffrey came too, but she had the cheek/good sense to arrive after our set. Hoxton Tom likened our turn-out to the valiant 300 Spartans - as opposed to the thousands of ‘Persians’ who went to Brixton Academy instead. (A nice analogy except mercifully no-one died at the end.) So, to the music: Max Splodge opened with some sensitive ditties, painting a colourful picture of female plumbers, pints of lager and squashed butterflies. The Secret Members put in a tight impressive 45minute set and we - Gal, Tone and Andy - hit the stage at about 10.30pm, with mighty Paul Haslin guesting on drums and Bobby Gonad making his debut on harmonica. Our set was: ‘Alconaut’, ‘That’s Oi’, ‘Oi Mate’, ‘Valhallaballoo’, ‘Yeti’, ‘Grant Mitchell’, ‘England’s Glory’, ‘Sandra Bigg (Really Big’), ‘Beer’, ‘London Boys’, ‘Pink Tent’, and ‘I Lost My Love To A UK Sub’. ‘Tucker’s Ruckers’ was dropped for the sensible reason that we were in Canning Town. But for reasons known only to himself Gal also dropped ‘Oi Nutter’ from the set and refused to do the encore of ‘Chaos’, ‘Hey Hey We’re The Gonads’ and ‘Flares & Slippers’ – which the band had learnt specially for the night and which Micky Geggus was going to join in on. A tight-lipped Gal tells us: “I apologise for cutting the gig short, everyone seemed to enjoy it except me.” Too critical by half, these critics eh? We reckon he was missing Sandy Lane and Antonia Moore, both of whom mysteriously failed to show. (Coincidence? We think not!) Anyway, a fuller set in Camden – that’s our pledge. We may even learn SE7 Dole Day. Sporting Event of the night: the Hoxton Tom 100 metres dash. Variety Turn of the night: Stinky Turner’s incredible disappearing act. Paranoia of the night: the rumour that Special Branch were in. Plug of the night, Max’s new single ‘No Offence with John Otway is out now as a download. Outrage of the night: we've just been informed by a shocked eyewitness that Mr Haslin, a Scottish gentlemen, blew his nose on the cross of St George. (This shocking allegation merits a full internal inquiry). Named and shamed Renegades: Charlton Tel and Chelsea Paul who refused to come to “a West Ham club”; Big Jim and Scotch John “on a cruise”, and sadly joining the ranks of the ‘Persians’ Steve Whale, Liberty, and even WM Terence Hayes. Et tu, Brute?

Feb 15. Drunken debauchery continues to haunt the Dropkicks’ tour – in the shape of the Hayes family. Suffice to say that after a ten gallon, two pie, three kebab work-out, El Tel woke up in Bristol, in bed, fully clothed, his parched lips marinated in last night’s chilli sauce, only to find his dishy daughter “gorn”. Where was Liberty? Hands trembling, the WM called every drunk tank and casualty ward in the city to no avail. Then, right on cue, the phone rang. It was Terry’s missus, She Who Must Be Obeyed. “Missing anything?” she asked, with an air of unnecessary sarcasm. Libs had already surfaced, 80 miles away in a hostile foreign country (Wales), having travelled overnight on the Cadders’ tour bus. No matter what indelicacies she suffered, there’s no doubt that she was safer with them than she was in the company of those shocking “Chav” heroes, the boozy Badoes. “I wouldn’t mind,” says Tel. “But I don’t even eat kebabs. I ain’t had one since 1981 and that gave me food poisoning.” (Tel, you know the answer, you've heard the song: You should have had pie and mash.) Mind you it was worse the last time Gal was in Bristol. Leah McCaffrey stripped him off, tied him to the bed and blindfolded him. Then while he trembled in anticipation, she took his credit cards and went shopping.

Feb 11. Word filters through from the AWOL Terence Hayes; seems the WM has been on the road with the Dropkicks (whose UK tour features excellent bands The Briggs and the Mad Cadders and should be seen everywhere in Britain except next Saturday when they’re in Brixton and we’re on in Canning Town with a clearly classier show). The Murphys’ gigs are going great, with Liberty singing that Dirty Glass song every night (see YouTube). But trouble brewed at Wolverhampton when El Tel joined the band on their tour bus for a few post-show liveners without Libs. Our leader received a 3am phone call from the Old Bill following a disturbance in the Britannia Hotel (Liberty was in a state "beyond Winehouse", kicking cops and screaming "like a banshee being worked over by a pack of wild dogs"). With the aid of Matt Kelly, Terry staggered back to the hotel and sorted things out. How? We’re told he used a complex array of secret Prankster handshakes, phrases and gestures known only to the most elevated of our brethren. An eye-witness reports: “To the uninitiated it may have looked like Terry was as drunk as a thousand sailors and that he was merely mumbling incoherent nonsense. In fact he slurred words associated with poor and distressed pranksters in the DCI’s ear and made the secret sign of Lord Waistrel. Incredibly, Plod parted like the Red Sea before him; it was almost poetic. It was certainly miraculous. These cops were livid. They weren’t just talking jail for Libs, they wanted to bring Albert Pierrepoint out of retirement. But just a few moments of ‘Prankster code’ did the business.” Such is the power of the Jolly Pranksters. Beware all who cross us. (And pity the poor bloke who marries into the Hayes family...although a few of us are secretly in love with Liberty's sister Connie). So mote it be.

Feb 11. Are our chums the East End Badoes in melt-down? We ask because Gal’s PA Fit Bird has just been approached by a mysterious gentleman in Hornfair Park, SE7, who offered to sell her shocking photographic evidence of the band’s alcoholic frolics. The sordid snaps included a picture of Big Bad Dom hammering the Dropkicks' rider on Saturday; one of Dave Hayman in a state of dribbling wretchedness covered in Nutella; and, most shocking of the lot, a surely faked horizontal portrait shot of the Right Honourable Terence Hayes “Moonshined up” and akip in a park in Brussels surrounded by tramps. By Amy and Winehouse, has it come to this? A shaken Fit Bird tells us: “I couldn’t believe it when this big sweaty bloke opened his raincoat and produced these horrible pictures. I was hoping to see his knob.”

Feb 10. Last night’s gig was rammo, the Rejects were cooking. We even enjoyed the boxing afterwards. Many old faces swelled the throng, including Kevin Wells, Hoxton Tom, Gary Hodges, and Barney Rubble. Our 25 minute set packed in Alconaut, That’s Oi, Oi Mate, Valhallaballoo, Yeti, Grant Mitchell, England’s Glory, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub and Chaos (Herbert version). It’ll be twice as long at the Bridgehouse next Saturday, including Pink Tent which we didn't have time for, and in honour of a very special guest, Sandra Bigg Really Big. Thanks to Weller’s Mate for being our flag girl, to Mickey Pugh for introducing us and to Antonia Moore for being drop-dead gorgeous. Band line-up: Gal, Tony feedback, Andy Gonad and Paul Gonad. Management: Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson.

What is a flag girl, asks reader S. Watts of South London, "is it anything to do with the Girl Guides?" No, dear lady. A flag girl is a woman of exquisite beauty who joins us on stage and hoists aloft the cross of st george for the proud duration of England's Glory; no greater honour can befall an English rose than to be the Gonads flag girl.

STOP PRESS. A criminal investigation has been launched after the Secret Members had their backstage beer rider raided/obliterated by persons unknown. Some would say that as their dressing room was occupied by a) them b) us, and c) Mickey Pugh then the guilty would be easy to identify. We would like to remind these shallow gossips that Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson is a solicitor and we will take whatever legal moves are necessary to protect Mr. Pugh’s good name and reputation.

* Could WM Terence Hayes be the next Beadle? The prince of Pranksters has hit upon a wizard wheeze. He tells you he’s coming over for a Sunday drink and then…he doesn’t turn up. Twice he’s done it now. F***ing hilarious.

Feb 8. Lord Waistrel caused a storm of controversy last night by suggesting elements of Shania Law should be allowed to co-exist alongside the British legal code. Speaking in his capacity as Archbishop of the Church of Oi, Waistrel said it “seems inevitable" that elements of Shania Twain’s logic would be incorporated into British legislation. His Lordship particularly felt that the country singer’s insistence that being Brad Pitt, a rocket scientist or owning a car should not impress us much, could be included in UK civic courts. Former Labour home secretary David Blunkett said that Shania law would be "catastrophic" for social cohesion in Britain but agreed that Brad Pitt’s Irish accent is “poxy”.

* We are on at 6.30pm on the dot to tomorrow, so get to Astoria 2 early if you want to see us. We’re only doing a half-hour set, including brand new song That’s Oi which has a verse dedicated to loyal band groupie and demanding dominatrix the incredible and very edible Sandy Lane.

Feb 2. Incredible as it sounds all five of Cock Sparrer turned up for Gal’s latest pod-cast last night, we’ll let you know when it’s up and running. Next time, living legend Lynval Golding. (And with any luck, Fleur Golding.)

Feb 1. Stop press. We are opening for the Cockney Rejects next Saturday at Astoria 2. Get there early, we're on at 6.30pm.

Jan 30. Intriguing. The Jolly Pranksters are about to expand their secretive organisation, or so the rumour goes. As you know, no-one can ask to join; you have to be invited. So how can you recognise a prankster? Effete El, the self-styled fighting poove, tells us there are a number of tell-tale signs ranging from the sartorial to the philosophical, although we suspect they may be too general to be of use. Hot in prankster circles, says El are “Pama International, pie & mash shops, the applied science of barmaid studies, retro sheepskin coats, race meets, “Billy Murrays”, an abundance of (knocked-off) “Tom”, Longshanks clothing, the comedy of Larry David, live boxing, brogues, crombies, hand-made whistles, Alesha Dixon look-alikes, “proper” stand-ups, Fools & Horses memorabilia, straight jeans, the dogs, pork scratchings, Smooth Moves, and cribbage” – along with football of course and the expected musical heritage. Pranksters also tend to favour button-down shirts, English ales, and women whose tattoos are correctly spelt.

Jan 26. We will release ‘England My Land’ as part of a three track download ep in early April, as ‘The Gonads featuring Sarah Vezmar’.

* Guest of honour at the Bridgehouse gig next month – SANDRA BIGG! Can our hearts stand the strain?

Jan 24. The Sparrer pod-cast is on – expect it to be up and running in the first week of February.

Jan 23. Change of venue. The great St George’s punk & ska party is moving from the Circus Tavern in Essex to The Garage in London; full details of bands tbc but it looks like The Gonads, Grumbleboat, Nick Welsh, Long Tall Shorty, the Essex Pistols and more…

Jan 22. Gal is writing new songs with Nick Welsh from Skaville UK. His perma-tanned PA Fit Bird tells us: “They’re collaborating on two numbers, ‘Re-Infected’ and ‘Threes Up’. Nick said to Gal to send him any lyrics as he’d worked with Judge Dread and nothing could shock him. When Nick saw the words for ‘Throbber’ the colour drained from his face and he said, ‘Have you got anything less filthy?’” Fit Bird adds: “Gal and Clyde are also writing new numbers. They’ve done ‘Avoid The Vexation Of Women’ and ‘Die Heroes’ but neither are likely to see the light of day until 2009." 'Die Heroes' about the 300 is described as "anthemic streetpunk" while 'Vexation' is "in the spirit of Les Dawson." Gawd help us.

Jan 21. An unmissable event for all punk fans this Friday: A NIGHT OF LIVE MUSIC & FILM Presented by HENRY ROLLINS, 25th January, 7pm at The Shepherds Bush Empire, London, CELEBRATING 30 YEARS OF THE RUTS, one of the UK's most influential punk bands. Friends of the Ruts will be performing their own songs plus their favourite Ruts tunes. Confirmed artists so far include…THE ALABAMA 3, acoustic + unplugged, TV SMITH, CAPTAIN SENSIBLE + FRIENDS, members of the MEMBERS, BEKI BONDAGE, THE GLASS HEROES, JOHNNY MOPED, P.A.I.N., + more very special guests TBC...PLUS THE PREMIERE SCREENING OF the new Ruts DVD ‘THE GIG’. This is a Charity Event in aid of the Macmillan Trust.

Jan 20. Stinky Turner popped round for an exclusive play-back of our new ‘Back To Boots’ album, which he pronounced: “the best Gonads CD ever.” Jeff particularly liked ‘Conquest’, ‘Cemetery of Lost Souls’, ‘Love Is A Lie’ and ‘London Boys.’ He said: “It’s the most powerful thing you’ve ever done, really punky, but still full of individuality. It’s a belter.” Others at the private playback party included Charlton Tel, Big Billy Boy, Millwall Wayne and Chelsea Paul. WM Terence Hayes was due over for a pint too, but the veteran Badoe, supreme Prankster and punk legend cancelled at the last minute on the grounds that he "had to tidy up the house or I'll get killed." This is obviously a metaphor for some kind of sordid East End gangsterism, as it's impossible to believe a man of Terry's stamp would not be master of his own domain.

* What of Gal’s Cock Sparrer pod-cast you ask? We’re asking too. Before Xmas, the band agreed to do the show in January. OK, said Gal, give us a choice of days and I’ll sort it. Will do, they said. “Three weeks later and we’re no closer to getting one,” moans Gal’s PA, Fit Bird. “We’re now looking at early Feb; but the way this is going I wouldn’t like to put a year on that.”

Jan 19. We have been contacted by a group of mysterious hombres known only as the Blackheath Brigade. These former suedeheads, who claim to be the only real rivals to the Marylebone Martyrs in their advocacy of the cult, have issued a manifesto that some may find reactionary and others excitingly visionary. Amongst their demands are: a call for a return to sartorial elegance – “bald punks aren’t skinheads”; recognition of the superiority of “reggae of the ’69 kind”; a revival of interest in black brogues and the Faith Royal loafer; the need for punk with tunes “not Discharge crap”; the revival of “proper” female skin/suede hairstyles – i.e. not male ones; recognition for the holy trinity of breakfast, dinner and tea “we don’t do lunch”; St George’s Day to be taken as a national holiday whether it is or not; proper comedians who tell jokes “not social workers indulging in public therapy”; due respect for the work ethic; “bacon butties to take precedence over McDonald’s”; the rejection of all drugs except speed; and a statue of Prince Buster to be built in Trafalgar Square, “next to one of Terry McCann off Minder.” Here, here.

Jan 18. We regret to announce that we are unable to play the Punk & Disorderly Festival in Berlin next month, on the grounds that only Gal and Andy can get there. Clyde’s excuse (that he’s “in Dublin on the piss”) has been accepted but Manic’s claim to be “hosting a second book launch for God’s Lonely Men that night” has been deemed frivolous and has been reported to Lord Waistrel for adjudication.

Jan 13.Our Berlin gig hangs in the balance as band pin-up Tony Feedback and band weight-watcher Manic Esso can’t make the date (23rd Feb). Our hopes of playing Punk n Disorderly now depend on Clyde’s availability. We’ll let you know as soon as we do. Gal is busy writing his latest book, The World According To Garry Bushell, but word reaches us that he is planning to write a song or songs with Skaville UK tunesmith Nick Welsh. As Nick produced Judge Dread’s last studio album, filth should be the order of the day. Finally, it looks like the ‘Cockney Reject’ book will be published in Germany with an extra chapter and pictures. Again, more details when we know them.

Jan 10. Hurrah! Dom Badoe has bounced back from his Reg Hollis-style suicidal state and is now threatening to "do" the low dogs who have been spreading vile internet gossip about him. Great stuff. Our own source of stories is David Haye. Go to it, son.

Jan 7. Our thoughts are with our pal Dom from the East End Badoes who has today been placed on suicide watch. The burly Badoe is said to be “as miserable as a boil on a Joey Barton’s arse”; there are fears that in his depressed state he may do something silly (over-eat, grow dreadlocks etc.) Dom has apparently been driven to despair by a relentless, unkind campaign of “gossip and character assassination” conducted on a low-rent punk website. That’s bloody outrageous. Let us know who the no-good bastards are and we’ll sort them out for you, mate. (Here's what will cheer him up if anyone can help. Dom needs to replace his priceless collection of Chelsea programmes which he recently damaged. For future reference, magazines aren't generally preserved by being soaked in urine, even your own).

Jan 6. The Gonads will headline the new Bridgehouse, Canning Town, on Feb 16th; special guests tba.

* How long will Dom be in the Badoes? Scurrilous goss maintains that the beefy bassist is likely to take a walk before this month is out. A source close to the band claims that Dom “has rubbed more people up the wrong way than the Northern Line Groper.” So what next for the man with the spiked-up dreads? We predict a big future for him - on TV tribute act show The One & Only as a fat Keith from the Prodigy…

Jan 5. Thanks to the heaving throng – Sid and Doris Growler - who braved the rain and defied New Year bankruptcy to get to the Railway last night, particularly Charlton Lisa, our flag girl, and la belle Antonia Moore for her tireless fingering (on the camera, of course). The poor woman’s clicker must be worn out with all that frantic activity. We started to worry about Antonia’s credentials however when she made Andy take his shirt for the pictures and then photographed our groins. “It’s artistic,” she claimed, it’s arse we replied. But we are now available for gigs in Canal Street. The Ipswich audience included South London Oi band Code 1, Antonia’s Desmond Decker look-alike Dad, Sylvester, Tony Feedback’s son (possibly his clone) and brilliant local comedian Andy Leach, a long-time friend of the band. UK77 and The Warriors supported, the latter including the inspirational “Garry Bushell” anthem (Remember what he done? The poor old sod can’t remember why he came in to the room most days.) In the heady excitement, Manic Esso sold three books. Eat yer heart out, Harry Potter. Ta to Oz for booking us, then resigning as promoter, and then coming anyway. The set-list was unchanged from Mansfield, with the exception of ‘Tractor Boys’ for the locals (no-one mentioned the Ipswich Charlton score, but if you’re interested it was: 3-1 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1.) This gig was unusual in many ways as it is believed to be the first in recorded history to have featured a stealth audience. Apologies for absence were received from Clyde Ward (rehearsing with the Freds), Mickey Pugh (“didn’t want to come all that way and not drink”), Vodka Girl ("head cold"), Charlton Tel ("allergic to carrot crunchers") and WM Terence Hayes (“vital Prankster business”). By the way, Jason from Code 1 tells us there are only 40 copies left of the nifty Oi – Fuck You album, so if you want one, get on to Ascalon quick. Man of the night? The drunk who mistook Dale "The Beast" Beeson for Manic Esso. There's only about half a stone difference. In a surprise move, the Gonads have now appointed Sylvester as band guru, mentor and crown bowls coach. Oo-oo-me-ears-are-alight….Next stop? London!

Jan 3. We should be on stage about 10pm tomorrow night – and off in time for last orders. We will need a flag girl. We can’t offer much in the way of merchandise, but Manic Esso will be flogging copies of his book, God’s Lonely Men. And we will have the ‘Punk Is Back’ joint ep with Klasse Kriminale available on vinyl. For other requests email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk.

Dec 30. We play the Railway in Ipswich next Friday. If you want to get on the album sleeve of Back To Boots get there early - Antonia Moore will be there with her box brownie. She'll also bring a camera. Flag girls may be required for 'England's Glory'. The rest of the bill: The Warriors, UK77 and One Man Down.

Dec 29. Sadly a veil of shame must be drawn over last night’s Festivus celebrations. Nothing needs to be said in public about the evening save that the Pranksters apologise profusely to the bar staff of the Gordon Arms, to Chinese Tim and to the hard-working under-paid staff of the Queen Mary A&E department. An ashen-faced Terence Hayes said: “Things got out of hand. Seven brethren have been suspended pending a full inquiry.”

Dec 21. It’s done! The new ‘Back To Boots’ album is finished! Jolly Jennie Bellestar turned up like a bouncing ball of energy today and recorded a blinding version of ‘Long Ska Summer’, pausing only to reprimand Gal for writing new words to it in the studio (leave it aht girl, most of our best-loved songs were written two minutes before they were recorded). As the magical day ended, Lord Waistrel himself arrived and distributed cigars to all. Pausing only to dismiss Pat Collier’s request for a cheque with a curt “In the post old boy,” his Lardship dragged us to the nearest tavern where he ordered pints of champagne top and gilt-edged pork scratchings for the team. Later Waistrel said the new album embodied “the very essence of punk rock, it’s undiluted oi-oi music, packed with sex, style, sedition and subversion, it will make Rancid look to their laurels; in other words it's a proper bloomin’ racket, quite frightfully proletarian.” Antonia Moore arrived to take pictures, like a vision of a young Diana Ross with a better taste in music (but Saucy Sally Simmons never showed; something to do with a builder she met at Waterloo East - someone tell her he's only called Big Bill because of the size of his estimates). Sadly Clyde was unable to join us as he’s in bed suffering with bronchial pneumonia, blue tongue and galloping knob-rot, but we're hoping he'll recover in time for the Ipswich gig. Get well soon mate! Luckily Tony VF stepped gloriously into the breach. He also managed to shock and entertain us with tales of sexual debauchery in Sunderland. The way the Chief Mong tells it, the Jeremy Kyle show could be based there permanently (round at Tom’s house). We left Tone lugging his guitar into the back of Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson’s car for a high-speed dash to Stanstead airport and a 7.55pm check-in. (Yeah, right. In the rush hour? He’ll be on the M11 till Xmas Eve).

The full track list for 'Back To Boots' is likely to be: Valhallaballoo, Cemetery Of Lost Souls, Pink Tent, London Boys, Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads, The Growler, Drink Till I’m Skint, Long Ska Summer, Conquest, Love Is A Lie, Pie & Mash, Oi Oi Christmas and Duelling Baddoes. And the most intriguing song-writing credit is for Conquest: Bushell/Van Frater/Whale – it’s the first Gonads anthem co-written by Steve Whale since the Magnificent Gonads ep of 1980-something. We’re biased obviously, but we think it’s the best and the most meaningful working class rebel-rock album of the decade; certainly the punkiest. We’ll let you know when it’s coming out.

Dec 20. A third day of magic and mayhem in the Forest Hill hit factory. Liberty Hayes arrived like a particularly voluptuous angel, clad in some kind of St Trinian’s outfit topped off with six inch black stilettos. The effect was instant and severe. Half the band were reduced to gibbering wrecks. Billy Boy creamed his jeans. And Tony is still dribbling. Libs recorded ‘Drink Till I’m Skint’ and ‘21st Century Bonnie & Clyde’, but enough about that, let’s have a quiet moment thinking about that school uniform. And the possibility of detention. Liberty was accompanied by venerable Prankster overlord, WM Terence Hayes, whose arrival in SE23 was greeted by a colourful turn-out of the east Forest Hillbillies (a break-away group from the MPL). These masked, be-kilted buffoons carried Tel into the studio shoulder high chanting “Badoes! Badoes!” and whistling rockabilly riffs. Terry duly recorded the scarifying ‘Duelling Badoes’ with Gal, a powerful, bizarrely psychotic number apparently destined to be the hidden track on the new album (and with luck they’ll hide it really well, says a passing music fan). Tomorrow? Jennie Bellestar! Antonia Moore! Saucy Sally Simmons, the belle of the Balls Pond Road! Yee-ha! Life don’t get no better than this…

Dec 19. Another productive day in the Gonads' studio/orgy-lair, with six more corking tracks laid down, and some sterling bass and lead guitar deposited by our visiting Masonic pal, Steve Whale. Sadly, Paul’s curry hell experience did not go un-noted; Gal’s lyrics for ‘Pie & Mash’ tell the whole sordid tale. Well done to Tony Van Gonad for his immaculate sitar and spoon work – if George Harrison wasn’t dead, you’d swear he was in the studio. (Less well done to Tone for taking three hours to yomp the 20 minute walk from his luxury guest-house - Madame Zelda's - to the studio. In a related story, book now for the deluxe Van Frater walking tours of South London. You know ye wanna…) Songs recorded today: 'The Growler', 'Drink Till I'm Skint', 'Valhallaballoo', 'Conquest', 'Love Is A Lie', and 'Oi Christmas.' Tomorrow? 'Duelling Badoes'!

Dec 18. Blimey! The lads zapped in to the new ‘Back to Boots’ album today at a rate that would have made a team of speeding Poles jealous. There was Tony Van Gonad on guitar, Paul Haslin-Gonad on drums, Gal on vox, Big Billy Boy from the Charlton old Covered End on bass and Vibrators legend Pat Collier on the mixing desk. Quality anthem followed quality anthem as we laid down five scorching tracks: ‘Cemetery Of Lost Souls’, ‘Pink Tent’, ‘Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads’, ‘London Boys’, ‘Pie & Mash’ and half of ‘Long Ska Summer’. Afterwards, Forest Hill locals were amazed as Tony VG braved the sub-artic temperatures to have a fag in his t-shirt oot-side the Hob pub, like (rock hard these Mackem). But Tone came unstuck in the quality guest-house supplied by band accountant Dale Beeson. Says Tone: “The place had central heating, man, it was unbelievable! Central heating! It’s the future, man. I work up in a sweat and thought I’d pissed the bed.” Worst perils befell our brilliant studio drummer Paul Haslin. New to SE23, he chose to patronize a Nepalese eaterie where, true to form he fell foul of “the Ghurka’s revenge.” His frequent cries of pain may yet be featured on the album…let's just hope no-one writes a song abhart it...

17/12. South London is gripped with feverish excitement tonight pending the imminent arrival of the Chief Mong, Tony Van Frater himself. The loveable loon is flying down from Sunderland to play on our new album this week. Band members and fans are duly advised to lock up their grandmothers.

16/12. Prankster News Update: due to circumstances beyond our control, the feast of Festivus has been postponed until 28th December. All bretheren attending are instructed to say the word “Orgasmatron” to WM Terence Hayes on arrival. It’s not a password, it’s a horse running in the 4.15 at Haydock Park and you know how forgetful he is. The feast is being prepared by Chinese Tim’s oppo Ho, once cruelly dubbed “the Wan King chef” by the gutter press...a shameful slur for sure. “He has had many insults,” says Tim. “But that one was the icing on the cake.”

15/12. The Bridgehouse is to reopen next month. The legendary rock and punk venue opens again in Canning Town, East London on 10th January, just a few hundred yards from its original site. We wish the new boss well and confirm that we will be playing there in the New Year.

14/12. The Cause, whose debut single 'Free The Stone' has gone down a storm have been in touch to say their website is up and running at http://www.thecause.me.uk. The band bill themselves as "true revolutionaries, supporting a British revolution."

Dec 13. The podcast is up and running at totalrock.com, as shambolic, hung-over and enjoyable as we knew it would be. Gal reckons he'll be back with a new one "a Cock Sparrer special" in the New Year.

Dec 10. A chaotic day. Gal recorded his latest pod-cast with Manic Esso, tantalising Talita Jenman and a proper pair of herberts from Riders Of The Night (Monkey, and Mick the Bins of Gooners infamy - Binnsy was one of the very first skin revivalists in 1976). Dazed from a weekend of gigs, grog, Nuts TV and the Hatton fight, Gal was struggling to remember his own name so we dread to think how the pod turned out. (Although incoherent, just like usual would be a fair bet). But it does include quality new tracks from Cock Sparrer, Pama International, Kickin’ Pigeons, Pink Hearse, Prairie Dugz, the Torrents, the Slackers and Skaville UK; as well as ‘Puke Box Jury’ wherein this assembled mighty brains trust decided that the record of the year was…’Fat Punks Can’t Pogo’ by Crashed Out. The chaps then met up with Hoxton Tom in the Angel before descending on Manic’s book reading in the Edgar Wallace. John King (of Football Factory fame), Martin King, Barnet Mark, Mark Wyeth and Paul Hallam were among the Chelsea-dominated throng. Tales of 1970s punk, subcultures and Denton’s funeral filled the air. On they moved to a Fleet Street tavern where a misty-eyed Monkey revealed his visionary scheme to record the ultimate hooligan album (featuring anthems from every respected English team, from Stoke to Charlton); and two passing temptresses were coaxed into singing the Welsh national anthem. In Welsh. We’d like to tell you that the lads were welcome in their hillsides, but you never know who’s reading this. Gal pledges his next pod-cast will be a Cock Sparrer special and confirms that the vision of heavenly loveliness what is Sandra Bigg (really big) is indeed back...and working in Boots (but not in the way that Sandy 'works' in boots). Happy days.

Dec 9. Are Dom’s days in the Badoes numbered? Rumours abound that his fledgling dreadlocks and attempts to get the band to play “poxy” Sandanista covers have not been well-received.

Dec 8. Thank you Mansfield! We had a real blast at the Town Mill gig. The full set-list was: Alconaut, Tucker’s Ruckers, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, Grant Mitchell, Oi Mate, Valhallaballoo, Beer, Yeti, Oi Nutter, Hey Hey We’re The Gonads, England’s Glory and Chaos (Herbert version). Encore: Alconaut and Guinness Boys. Thanks for curvy Kelly for carrying the flag. (Memo to the dishy damsels at the bar: it’s no good telling us you wanted to do backing vocals after the show!) If you took pictures please email them to waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk so we can bung ’em on the website. Apologies for absence were received from Batttttty, Sandy Lane and Prankster supremo Terence Hayes. Our thanks: to the Town Mill staff for the beer and sarnies. To Steve Whale for guesting on guitar (the Masons album is expected in March). To Christine for buying Pete’s book (someone had to) and to Dale “I think I’ve just missed the M1” Beeson for his magical mystery tour of Nottinghamshire. Next stop Ipswich, oi oi!

Dec 7. We’re on stage at about eleven tonight. (Town Mill, Mansfield) Doors open at 8pm. Alcohol, the Apocalypse Babies and the excellent Resistance 77 make up the bill. Entrance: £8. We still need a flag girl!

3/12. Band rehearsals for Friday’s Mansfield gig went well today, with Gal losing his voice (always an improvement), and Manic Esso flogging his new book (God’s Lonely Men by Pete Haynes, foreword by Stuart Pearce) to all and sundry. It’s £9.99 and available direct from Headhunter Books (believed not to be an imprint of Harper Collins.) Anyway, Friday’s line-up is Gal, Manic, Tony Feedback, Andy Nicholas and special guest Steve Whale who of course played on and co-wrote our 1983 'Peace Artists' ep. Up the Stags!

* We hope to annouce a London date early in the new year.

Dec 2. Gal, Stinky Turner and Cass Pennant (hooliganologist) descended on the West Ham Boxing Club today to film the sales pitch for the Cockney Rejects movie. It all went swimmingly, with Cass apparently pausing only to set up a stall outside and flog several copies of the excellent new book he’s published, Home Fans Only by Martin Kerr. And so what of the film? Making a movie is a long process, especially a £2million one like this, but we’re well on the way. We have half the money pledged, and some star names attached to the project including Lars Frederiksen and Danny Dyer. But who will play our Gal? And more importantly, who'll play Sandra Bigg (really big)? These are the questions, tune back next week for more of them

1/12. Calling all Mansfield punkettes, Modettes, glamour models and skinhead birds! Our normal Gonadettes can’t make the show on Friday so we’re looking for a couple of local woman of high moral fibre to carry our flags etc on stage. Volunteers should contact Gonads tour co-ordinator Dodgy Dale Beeson as early as possible at the gig. If no women of impeccable morals are available the band will settle for groupies, minxes, yobettes and all round dirty slappers (as usual). Thanking yow.

Nov 28. Disturbing video footage comes our way, showing Dom from the East End Badoes in action at London’s prestige shoebox, the 12-Bar Club last Saturday. Filmed on Sandy Lane’s mobile, it shows the boozed-up Badoe sporting what she describes as “a sartorial nightmare” – skin-tight jeans, leopard skin shoes and a ‘Destroy’ t-shirt. Says Sandy: “He may have been auditioning for a What Not To Wear punk special; he was as drunk as a thousand sailors…” It makes gruesome viewing. Dom staggers, he slurs, he hits more bum notes than a Hobo Orchestra…even Amy Whitehouse would have been shocked/envious. After the set, Dom apologised to Superyob’s Dave Hayman for his poor playing only to be told “I thought it was one of your better performances.” The evening proceeded to get messier, though, as Dom “slobbered embarrassingly” over blushing punkette beauty Liberty Hayes (hands off, she’s ours!). Mercifully Libs never discovered what lurked beneath those skintight jeans as Dom was removed by passing Care In The Community outreach workers; Barnet Mark is believed to have opened a book on the exact nature of his underwear, however. Moth-eaten paisley y-fronts from QS are the 2-1 favourite. Mayhaps 'Hans' can clear up the mystery...

Nov 26. Gal and Tony Van Frater have written the definitive version of ‘(Rise Up) London Boys’. Speaking through an interpreter, Tone describes it as “the Gonads answer to ‘England’ by the Angelic Upstarts but better, a real anthem.”

• Talking of the Upstarts, a man answering Mensi’s description has been seen in brothels from Thailand to the Ukraine in the last few weeks. Could it really have been our Tommy? Surely only someone extremely ugly would have to pay for it…oh yeah.

• Steve Whale played two gigs with Crass this weekend. His membership of the Jolly Pranksters has been suspended pending a full inquiry.

* Our pal Micky B from Cock Sparrer tells us that sales of the band's great new album ‘Here We Stand’ are going through the roof. Captain Oi reckons “it’s just like the old days, the Oi! revival has started.” We’re pleased to hear it. And while we're on the subject, how's about bring out our live double album on CD as promised?

* Jeff Turner pops round to Gonads HQ to tell us the band had a cream-coloured sofa thrown on stage when they played Poland recently. “It was all a big mistake,” jokes Jeff. “Mick was thirsty and he asked for a cream soda.”

Nov 25. Word filters through from Garry Johnson who says that his unauthorized biography of Gal, ‘Punk Rock & TV Times’ is “finished and should be out next April”. Gal adds: “There’s plenty about the Gonads in there, not to mention Oi, new Mod and 2-Tone. Gal's seen some of it, but he don't know we've included 'dynamite' about Fleur, Heavy Metal Heather, Sandy Lane and Antonia Moore. He'll be gutted.” Sandra Bigg included, we trust.

Nov 23. Michael Biggs, son of Ronnie, is making a video for his single “Daddy was a Train Robber” next Thursday (29th) at The Beauchamp Pub in Knightsbridge, London. If you fancy being in the crowd shots, get there by 2pm.

Nov 18: why did the Badoes miss their flight back from Valencia? Surely not because Dom had developed an unusual attachment to the free local Sangria on offer? "It's free, free, free" he is reported to have babbled. "Don't you see what this means? We don't have to pay for it. We are drinking for nothing. It's mad I tells ya. We must stay in Valencia until every drop is drunk...free, free, free...." (Incidently, after drinking three litres of the stuff Dom had saved himself an enormous £4.50. Well worth missing a flight for.)

Nov 17: Urgent notification, tomorrow night’s Prankster meeting is cancelled due to WM Terence Hayes being unavoidably detained in Valencia where he’s performing with the Badoes. (Nice of you to give us notice, Tel!) Grand lodge will now reconvene after the next Hellfire Curry Club meeting at the Halal, E1, in December to finalise plans for Festivus. Those still planning on joining Kidbrooke branch in the Sid tomorrow are asked to make sure they know the words to the Mighty Boosh’s ‘Eels’ song.

Nov 16. The new Gonads album is written and ready to be recorded. Brand new tracks include 'The Growler', 'Cemetery Of Lost Souls', 'Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads' and 'Conquest'. Says Gal: "It's gonna be a real, back to boots, filthy punk rock stonker." The album currently comes in at fourteen tracks and will also feature never before recorded gems like 'Rise Up (London Boys') 'Throbber', and 'Love Is A Lie' as well as a blistering re-working of the legendary 'Pink Tent', an anthem first performed by Gal's pre-Gonads combo Pink Tent in 1975.

* Who is the dirty, low-life mole leaking scurrilous gossip about our pal Dom from the East End Badoes to various down-market websites (like this one)? Beats us. All we know is scribbled notes keep getting left inside Sandra Lane's bra by a mysterious masked stranger, and all the allegations ring true...We’d tell you more but we don’t want Sandy to come round and hand out “the gift of pain.”

Nov 15. Lord Waistrel himself came out of retirement tonight for a top do up at Filthy MacNastys. Dave Cairns organised the moriarty to raise dosh for the British Thyroid Foundation and many of the reprobates who featured in Jaws back in the Sounds days put in an appearance including Hoxton Tom and Eddie Pillar, along with younger, cuter Mod heroines such as Wattsie and trACEy. Chris Pope from Pope played a superb unplugged set while Cairnsy and Ian Page performed classic Secret Affair numbers. Changing hands in the throng was a bootleg copy of the Mod chapter of Gal’s Your Generation book (which also covers punk, skins, oi, casual etc) and which is still due out next April… Interrogated by Waistrel, Oxo revealed that sadly he won’t be coming out of retirement and joining Gary Hodges’s new gigging 4-Skins, not for love nor money.

Nov 13. By Ronnie and Biggs! Stinky calls to say he’s doing his first punk DJing stint in Brazil next year. It’d be a crime if he didn’t play Rob A Bank.

* Rhoda Dakar's album, Always Cleaning In Another Woman's Kitchen, is finally out; she asked us to tell you. What we want to know is: what’s that crazy title all about? Is Rhoda supplementing her ska income by working as a part-time Mrs Mopp? Is it a metaphor for infidelity? Or, better still, could “cleaning” another woman’s “kitchen” have some kind of lesbian subtext which might involve Ms Dakar and, say for example, Alesha Dixon off Strictly Come Dancing? If that’s in the video, this album’s gunna fly.

Nov 12. Overheard in a Sarf London pie & mash shop: Gal and Stinky Turner discussing a follow-up book...

Nov 9. A strange call from a sobbing German called Hans. Turns out that he’s a regular in a gay skin-punk bar in Cologne who has fallen in love with “two sweet-faced English boys.” Heart-broken Hans reports that the English men, who called themselves Al and Dom, came into the bar and played hard to get with his affections. Anyone knowing the identity or whereabouts of the two - codenames Pink and Perky - is asked to get in touch. Hans is missing them badoe.

* The Rejects are playing the Mean Fiddler again on February 9.

Nov 8. We are planning on recording a live DVD sometime over Christmas - probably January, possibly in Portsmouth. If you wanna be in the audience email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk for details.

Nov 7. Our pals Richard and Fred Fairbrass from Right Said Fred are heading for I’m A Celebrity. Let’s hope they liven up the dim and desperate jungle ‘celebrities’ with their splendidly rousing interpretation of ‘Infected’ which features on their next album… (The Freds are good guys, but in fairness one of those women contestants looks more like a fair brass...)

Nov 6. The Kings Of StreetPunk reached Number One in the Amazon indie rock and punk best selling pre-release chart. Have a listen - it's blinding.

Nov 5. The gorgeous Eugenie Matthias (Jennie Bellestar to you peasants) has given us a lovely surprise (no, not that lovely...). She's only been in the studio and written an' recorded 'Oh No, Don't Tell Dad (I'm Sitting On A Gonad') off her own back. It's insane, it's catchy, it's as voluptuous as what she is. We're loving it, loving it, loving it...

* Jeff 'Stinky' Turner plays a prison warder in the new Cass Pennant movie, Cass. Stinky a screw? What next, Jo Brand playing Kate Moss? Mickey Fitz cast as a generous round-buyer? Francis Flame as Beau Brummell?(cont public bar Sidney Arms)

Nov 4. The Gonads chief disciplinarian Sandra Lane caught the big Cock Sparrer gig up in Wolverhampton last night (as opposed to catching the big cock in Greenwich as usual, eh Sands?). Sandy reports that the lads were on top form with about 3,000 in. But we’re intrigued by rumours that our pal Dom from the East End Badoes was spotted after the show sporting a black eye and a cut face while doing what is described as “a passable impression of John Merrick.” What caused this shocking battering? We can’t be sure. But a combination of booze and a Chelsea top looks the likeliest explanation. Either that or he made a pass at Sandy…Also in attendance Gary Hodges, Terry Hayes and some fifty of the Midlands Region Jolly Pranksters. Rumours that Frankie Flame was apprehended by youths outside the show and was last seen atop a Wolverhampton bonfire wearing a ‘Penny for the Guy’ sign round his neck are scurrilous and uncalled for…

Oct 2. That's it chaps, we're off. See you in November. Stay free.

Sept 29. Next Hellfire Curry Club meeting November 5th.

Sept 28. Former Gonad and full-time Mason Steve Whale will join us for our gig in Mansfield in December, following Garrie Lammin’s shock departure from the band. But Steve will be unable to gonad full time so we need a regular guitarist to join us on a permanent basis asap. According to Gonads tour supremo Dale Beeson, the new guitarist should be London-based, curry-addicted and fully equipped to buy a round. The availability of a younger sister is not set in stone as a requirement but would help. (Along, presumably, with a rudimentary knowledge of the guitar.) Fancy it? Then email us now via entlaw@tiscali.co.uk. No Palace fans, obviously. Cheers!

* As a punishment for letting us down Garrie Lammin has been stripped, Branded-style, of his extra ‘r’ and pretentious ‘ie’. He will now be known henceforth only as Gary. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Sept 25. Nineteenth Nervous Break-Up! No sooner had Garrie Lammin joined the Gonads, than he’s departed. Yes, the Little Rooster roosts no more. He’s done a Harlem shuffle straight out the building. It is, indeed, all over now. Why? Well, there are two schools of thought. 1) Despite his promise to steer clear of the Rolling Stones and keep it strictly punk, the first songs Garrie submitted to us were ‘Hey You Get Off Of My Brown Sugar’, ‘I Can’t Get No Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ and ‘Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, I Wanna Paint Her Crack/Black’. Or, 2) Garrie’s own explanation: unspecified paid recording work in Boston, New York, Georgia, LA and Neasden…whoever you choose to believe, it won’t affect our live gigs, there are no hard feelings and we wish the old rooster well. Even if, baby, baby, baby, he's out of time. We’ll probably see him for a ruby, Tuesday. Face it, we’d be fools to cry. It’s only rock ‘n’ roll (Ah shuddup – Gal)

Sept 22: Hear it here first, the 'South London Sessions' are coming as the Gonads go "back to boots" in December...

* Skaville UK will join us at next April's St George Punk n Ska Party, many more acts tba as they come through...

* Calling all Oi historians, Gonads loyalists, Pranksters and Maninblack fans: big news. A complete retrospective CD featuring every track André Schlesinger's old band The Press ever recorded is released next month by Insurgence. 'The Complete Press - 1984-1994' is due out on Halloween, the 13th anniversary of the band's final performance. It contains fifteen tracks including ‘Revolution Now’, the superb ’21 Guitar Salute’ (as covered by the Murphys) and the Harry Tyler inspired ‘Carry On Harry.’ The Press were the first-ever New York Oi band, inspired and heavily influenced by the Gonads. Singer and songwriter André was such a fan he joined the band...as long distance synth-guitar player. Check out his blinding dark-oi band, NYC’s own magnificent Maninblack. Suggestions that André won't need no make-up for Halloween are scurrilous but true. Buy it here: The Complete Press ~ 1984-1994, on Insurgence Records

Sept 21. We finally have a finished copy of ‘Kings Of StreetPunk’ in our mitts. Some very fine tracks here indeed. The best from an oioi point of view are indisputably the first-ever Masons song, ‘Goodnight England’ with Millwall Roi on vocals, and ‘Glory Days’ the brand new number by the revived 4-Skins with Gal Hodges on vox. Not so keen on Trebek. We love our tracks, ‘Alconaut’ and ‘Valhallaballoo’, the latter featuring more Pistollian fire power than a Professionals tribute night, courtesy guitar star Tony Van Frater. Elsewhere, the Rejects reinterpret ‘Oi Oi Oi’ in a 2007 stylee, the Badoes prove their mighty mettle in the studio, and there are terrific tracks from Rancid, the Orgasm Guerrillas, Bad Manners and the High Priests of Mong with their moving version of our own ‘England’s Glory’. A must-buy CD, with a Geggus/Van Fraten production that guarantees serious guitar quality. “And using an analogue studio gives the sound extra depth,” adds Nigel, a passing nerd. If you order it from gandrlondon now, you’ll get it before the release date. The cover design may prove a tad controversial outside of East London, but if you don't like it...take it up with Skully....

Sept 20. Prankster news: The steering committee today “forcefully and irrevocably” rejected proposals for the Jolly Pranksters to merge with the MPL.

Sept 19: The three-track debut ep from the mysterious Usual Suspects is out today on iTunes. Who are these masked men? Is it Weller, Ray Davies, and Ian Hunter? We'd like to think so, but we suspect the answer is closer to home...if your home is North of the river but East of Tubby's stall, know what we mean?

Sept 18: Lurkers legend Manic Esso looks set to join the Gonads on drums. Rumours that Gal has only recruited the 20-stone punk veteran because Esso makes him look slim are scurrilous, uncalled for and probably true.

Sept 17: The new Cock Sparrer studio album is out on Nov 3rd. A little bird, well okay, Steve Bruce, tells us it’s similar in feel to the lads’ classic ‘Shock Troops’, full of three minute punk nuggets…by Lars and Frederiksen, this is what we want!

* Prankster news: A shadow of doubt has fallen over this year’s Yuletide ‘Festivus’ celebrations after it emerged that Prankster funds are banked with Northern Rock. An ashen-faced finance secretary, Fat Col tells us: “We’re happy the bank has been underwritten by the poor mug tax payer, but if you think I’m queuing up with all the blue rinse brigade to withdraw the Festivus funds you’re very much mistaken.” The lazy, good-for-nothin' fat bum...thank gawd the Gonads' tour fund is safely deposited with the ever-reliable Bank of Zimbabwe.

Sept 16: Terry Hayes, Gal Gonad and Liberty all together in a Chislehurst pub? What could this mean? A passing barmaid tells us that a series of joint Gonads/Badoes gigs could be on the cards. A spokesman for WM Terence refused to comment, but he did say that some six pints after Prankster business had been soberly concluded, Gal and Tel laid on a “formidable” display of pork scractchings consumption.

Sept 12: Gal recorded his latest podcast yesterday with Rhoda Dakar and Dave Cairns, but all was not sweetness and light down at Total Rock HQ. Heated rows broke out between Rhoda and Dave over everything from newspapers to Secret Affair’s 1979 attack on “the punk elite”. Some of this even happened on air…along with hot new tracks from The Muvs, Pope, the Skyshakers, Tracie Hunter, The East End Badoes, Maninblack, Darron J. Connett and the Usual Suspects. The show also features nifty numbers from Rhoda, Martin Wilson, The Loop, The Torrents, Loyalty, Ammunition, Far From Finished, The Cheats, Max Romeo, the Gonads, the Upsessions, Secret Affair and Jack Viper. Phew. Action packed or what? Sadly Gal’s attempts to interest Rhoda in ‘My Dickie’ (the Derrick Morgan song, obviously) proved unsuccessful. Hear it all at totalrock.com; GarryBushell-09.mp3 is the one you want. Gal's thanks to the gorgeous Wattsie for all her help. She's the Emma Peel to his John Wickham Gascoyne Berresford Steed. Insert your own offensive bowler polishing reference here. And for gawd's sake don't tell Purdey. Fat Col is 'Mother'...

* Ron Rouman made a welcome return to South London last night...if only we could tell you why....

7.9.07. Pukka news: There will be not one but two St George’s Day concerts next year. The first, on Sunday 20th April, will be a punk and ska party; the second, on 23rd April itself will be a comedy-variety bash. Venues and ticket details tbc. If you’re a band or a performer who wants to be on the bill email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk who will pass on your details to the organisers.

* The Oi! The Resurrection ep will be available to buy from punkoiuk.co.uk from Monday.

6.9.07. Pukka news: The Gonads will headline the Railway Tavern, Ipswich on January 4, 2008.

5.9.07. Gal infiltrated Hell’s Kitchen tonight and was shocked to see Lord Waistrel on a table with Boy George. Waistrel tells us: “I ordered a veal chop cooked by Jim Davidson as it was the most right-wing thing on the menu – unfortunately the roast peasant was off.” He goes on: “Bore George was hankering after a spicy Hawaiian with a pineapple ring. I’m not sure what he had to eat though. Hopefully that poxy mauve hat.”

Sept 3. Pukka news: The long awaited Kings of StreetPunk compilation is released on October 2nd. The full track-listing is: Cockney Rejects - 21st Century Oi! The Gonads - Alconaut 2007. The 4 - Skins - Glory Days. East End Badoes - The Way It's Gotta Be. The Business - Argentina. Rancid - Avenues And Alleyways. Trebek - Blind Crossing. The Masons - Goodnight England. Bad Manners - Return Of The Ugly. Red Alert - Here Comes The Sun. The High Priests Of Mong - England's Glory. Cockney Rejects - It's Up To You. The Orgasm Guerillas v The Postmen - Oi! Along The Watchtower. The 4 - Skins - Chaos 2007. The Gonads - Valhallaballoo. East End Badoes - 1-2-3. The Postmen - Todgedump. The Cockney All Stars - Oi!Oi!Oi! You can pre-order the album direct from G&R London for £10.00 including UK recorded delivery. Orders outside the UK will be £12.50 inc. post & packaging. All details at gandrlondon.com

Sept 1st. Soccer news: a Gonads away squad infiltrated the Palace end today as the Eagles got stuffed by some red red robins much to the chagrin of the oddly-coloured girlie-haired buffoon Simon Jordan. Todorov drove home the Charlton winner seven minutes after coming on as sub. We can’t say too much about the standard of football, but the Jamaican jerk chicken shack round the corner was spot on and it was great to have Danny Mills back. Man of the match on the pitch: Reid. Man of the match in the terraces: Lord Waistrel for leading the chant of “We beat the scum one nil” and getting ejected from the directors’ box. PS. If Simon Jordan can afford to blow his dosh on a Palace surely he can part with £20 quid for a decent haircut? With a face that grim, you shouldn't dress it up with curtains.

Aug 31. Pukka news: We’re assured that Kings Of Street Punk will be on sale from October 2nd - it’s well worth the wait. And look out for the Usual Suspects song ‘Stacking Deckchairs In Malaga’out on iTunes from 19th September.

Aug 29. RejOIce! The 'Go Ska With The Gonads' ep is finally available to buy now from iTunes. There are three skanking great songs on it: 'South London Aggro Girl', 'Charlton Tel's Stag Weekend' and 'Oi Mate'. Songs cost 79p each. Go on, treat yerselves, you're worth it.

The direct link is: http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=261623747&id=261623655&s=143444

Aug 28. Pukka news: the great new ‘Oi! – The Resurrection’ ep is out NOW on Havin’ A Laugh records of Italy (www.myspace.com/havinalaugh). The split ep features the Gonads and our Italian mates Klasse Kriminale. Our tracks are ‘SVL’ and ‘Getting Pissed’ (Skanking Ska version), theirs are ‘Klasse Kriminale’ and ‘Land Of Hope & Glory’ – a haunting musical interpretation of the Garry Johnson poem, sung by la bella Emanuela. This is a limited edition release: 500 on black vinyl, 500 on yellow vinyl. We’ve now got copies of each at Gonads HQ, to buy for £4.50 (details will be posted on myspace.com/thegonads very soon.) The superb package is endorsed by the Oi! Organising Committee 2007, and is a Sid Vicious Lives Production in association with the Jolly Pranksters.

Aug 27. Prankster news: they came in record number, pranksters young and old, for the bonzer Bank Holiday Green Man fest - a family knees-up deep in the unspoilt Sussex countryside. There was a wealth of side-stalls including coconut shies, darts, archery, plate-smashing, and Septic Peg, a fortune teller who looked uncannily like Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame in drag and who ended up in the stocks for predicting that the 'Kings of StreetPunk' comp wouldn't be released until 2009. The highlight of the afternoon was a punk and oi recreation of TV’s X-Factor called Pox Factor. Other events included a comedy version of karaoke known as “carry-jokey” with gags instead of songs, and a cult movie quiz hosted by Donna the dishy Droogette. But the real purpose of the event soon became clear. At 5pm, Worshipful Master Terence Hayes called for silence. And as a kind of hush fell on the 200 Pranksters present, our leader, wearing stockings and the kind of powdered wig popular with dandies in the 18th century, began a solemn ceremony of reconciliation. Incredibly Terence welcomed on to the stage high officials from our so-called rival organisation the Chortling Hooligans (a break-away grouping formed by the renegade rock writer Jerry Harris). There was a murmur of unease but at Terry’s command all battle flags and standards were lowered. Slowly the tattered remnants of the Hooligans, now no more than forty tattooed punks and rockabillies from West London, Middlesex and Surrey, filed on to denounce their disgraced leader and be duly admitted in to our own Grand Order. You’ll realise how moving this was when I tell you that even Si Spanner choked back a sob betwixt mouthfuls of pie. If only Pete Way had been sober enough to see it...Finally a taped message from the renegade Harris was played where he admitted “once and for all” that the hoolies were now “defunct for all eternity.” A roar of unquenchable laughter echoed around the field as, triumphantly, the Pranksters retired for the festive board. The good folk of Nobby’s Nosh supplied a choice selection of English dishes ranging from stewed eels to pie and mash. A hefty hog had been roasted on a spit, real ale and pear cider was on sale at £2 a pop, and WM Terence walked away with the Yard Of Ale contest. (Can we have it back now please, Tel?). Big Dan proposed a toast to absent Pranksters (Piller, Eddie) followed by the Loyal Toast. And then came the evening frolics. There were buskers, Morris dancers, tug-o’-war teams, arm-wrestling, toe-wrestling, dwarf-throwing, a wet t-shirt contest, militant mooners, folk singers, wolf-whistlers, a miners colliery band, and a display of synchronised in-door smoking. The evening finished with a blinding punk and ska disco put on by DJ Dirty Rob before the traditional ceremonial burning of the EU flag. The match was supplied by René Artois de Besancenot, leader of our dearly beloved French fraternal grouping Les Espiègles Gais. As the traitors' rag burnt, cage-fighting legend Dave Legeno performed a dazzling rendition of Henry V’s Agincourt speech. Blinding. A special thank you to the old faces who put in an appearance including Barry the Buff, Pete The Print, Sid The Lip, Dan The Fish, Green George, Quiet Dan, Sylvie Vanus, Doug Corra, Sir Nunnos, Jack In-the-green, John Barleycorn, Robin Goodfellow, Puck and the Green Knight (aka Mad Mickey Wharton). To order brethren. For England! For Liberty! For Sandra Biggs! Until the next time, so mote it be.

Aug 25. Pukka news - the Gonads are to record Garry Johnson's latest poem: Fathers For Justice.

Prankster news - Monday's event is on! WM Terence Hayes says make sure to bring your ceremonal robes to Burwash, this is the big one! Meet in the vacinity of the Green Man.

Aug 24. Dizzy from Detour Records is keen to get hold of a copy of our debut single 'Stroke My Beachcomber Baby' which came out on our own Scrotum label in 1977 and was written about in Sounds at the time. If any fans have a copy of this rare masterpiece, please contact waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk.

Aug 23. The Go Ska With The Gonads ep featuring ‘South London Aggro Girl’ and more will be available as an i-tunes download from next Tuesday 28 August, Richard England permitting.

Aug 23. There are support groups for Gal’s London Mayoral bid on MySpace (http://groups.myspace.com/garryformayor) and Facebook. Get cyber-campaigning!

Aug 22. The new gigging Gonads line-up is confirmed as Gal, Garrie Lamming, Tony Feedback, Andy Johnson