Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our Shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 27. This week’s fake news round-up: Kiss ’n’ Swell! Wattsie Watts ‘pregnant with extraterrestrial child’, says obstetrician… Pissing Hell! New ‘Golden Shot’ scandal ‘could sink Gonads’ as long-standing band member is summoned to water-proofed Select Committee hearing… Kiss ’n’ Mel – ‘the Gal Gonad only I know’, by Mel B… Bow Bells Hell! JC ‘to join EastEnders as new Ben Mitchell’, tweets Essex clairvoyant… Shoots you sir! Student Tarquin Spencer-Stanhope fires Glock at Fat Col after video shows he stuffed seven scotch eggs up his arse and then served them to Bob Vylan as ‘vegan sweetmeats’… Badly Done! ‘I thought “hard and fast” was just a song lyric until I bedded a Gonad’ says shocked Sidcup barmaid (name of band member redacted, name of barmaid yours for a score)…(Make this stop! – Waistrel)
Could the Jolly Pranksters be behind this disturbing rash of fake Gonads’ news websites? Investigators believe that Prankster elders have authorised a campaign of disinformation to distract from the brotherhood’s own internal problems. One anonymous source whispers, “The Pranksters know they are being played by bad actors – by which I mean the security services rather than Danny Dyer – and also by double agents working for their enemies, like the notorious Paul Devine, round dodger, and Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor), both of whom were rightly expelled decades ago. But the brethren don’t want this scandal getting out. That’s why there is all this mendacious misdirection.” The totally anonymous source (acting WM Effete El of Fairlawn Court, Cherry Orchard estate, Charlton, SE7 7DT) went on to say, “There is a lot of internal feuding as we wait for a strong leader to emerge and make all the wrong decisions with absolutely certainty.”
Furious Fat Col rings to denounce claims that his latest Rawhides song is called ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Mum’. “It isn’t,” he fumed. “It’s called ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Said Mum’, I’m not some cheap pervert.” Is it autobiographical, though, we ask? The phone goes dead.
March 24. Official post: The Gonads are seeking a new record company partner for our next two albums. We are open to discussions with any label anywhere in the world as long as they are reliable, efficient and easy to communicate with. Our new material is our strongest to date and we will be touring next year to mark our fiftieth anniversary. Serious approaches only to Miss Management via waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 21. With the blog resting, here are more appalling lies and fabrications that we found on Gonads-fake-news websites today: LOST IN SPACE! Missing Gonads drummer The Romulan is an actual Romulan, say shocked NASA boffins… BURNING LOVE – Ghost of Elvis will possess Miss Management’s husband’s COCK after Vegas wedding for honeymoon romp while singing It Feels So Right, claims Circus Circus clairvoyant C.D. Fushcia… IT’S ALIVE – new galaxy ‘looks like the Franken-Skin’, and scientists detect a heart-beat, reports New Scientist… Gal rules out 2027 US tour (that one’s true – Ed)… Oi To The World? Fat Col ‘working on Oi-Punk Miss World contest for 2027’, reveals chief gutter-press snoop Chelsea Dom… YES! Prog-rock gurus ‘will collaborate with Orgasm Guerillas’, reports Classic Rock… MOTHERLY LOVE – Col denies claims new Rawhides song, ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Mum’ is autobiographical (That’s quite enough filth – Ed)
March 15. Sad to say yet more ridiculous Gonads fake news is spurting over the internet like a veritable spunk volcano. New ‘exclusives’ include ‘Ghost of Elvis will officiate at Miss Management’s 2027 Vegas wedding – spirit of the King plans to possess Graceland Chapel minister says Memphis psychic’… ‘Shop window mannequin corrupted by Phil McAvity wants threesome with Beki Bondage’ (Don’t blame her – Ed)… ‘Fat Col to be new Iran Supreme Leader – Ayatollah Gannon “will put Wattsie in burqa!” reports GB News’… and ‘Dartford Council to SUE the Gonads, claim band’s Dogging In Dartford song has “engorged the problem” by 350%’ …Blimey. A distraught Effete El says “We’re trying to close these sites down but as soon as one is pulled off-line, another two pop up. It’s like Whack-A-Mole, and it’s frustrating because while stuff like ‘Missing Gonads drummer The Romulan “fled the Moon for Mars” after sighting, says NASA’ gets online, this blog is still closed which means we can’t even mention that the new issue of Verbal is now on sale featuring an interview with Michael Moorcock and new fiction by Richard Cubesville, Iain Cusack, Jonathan Gray, Pete ‘Manic Esso’ Haynes, Martin Knight and Joseph Ridgwell, plus Talking Books with Iain Sinclair and poetry from Tim Rolls. If we were open, we’d be able to say issue 13 is available from here, and ask JK Herbert how Chelsea got on last night. Howay the Toon! Toon! Toon! Black and white army!” Quite.
March 7 update: Although this blog remains closed, we can report that the band met last night and have reached a negotiated peace. Although Gal is still insisting that there will be no Gonads gigs this year, he has agreed to play one private show to invited guests in London. And Gal and Shona are close to confirming a new appearance with Klasse Kriminale, and dates as the Italian Gonads in northern Italy. There are solid plans for European gigs next year – aka The World is our Lobster tour – and Miss Management is inviting offers from “serious promoters only” based in Mexico and all points south. The gigs will celebrate the band’s glorious Fifty Years of Failure and our dear pal, Barnet Mark is looking at possible venues in Charlton, SE7. Said a band source, “It’s Gal’s lifelong dream to play at The Valley, Floyd Road. Ideally it would take place in the North Stand Suite with our Covered End Choir, the Charlton Boys, on backing vocals.”
Gal has rejected Club 77 suggestions that next year’s shows should feature “an all-star Gonads line-up”. Miss Management tells us, “The only Gonads line-up that matters is the current one.” An anonymous Club 77 insider (Effete El) tells us, “That’s the right decision. Of course, it would be quite something to see former Gonads guitarists like Steve Kent, Steve Whale, Micky Geggus and Den Stratton blazing away on stage together, or even the lads from Pink Tent, but knowing our luck we’d get Scoops on bass, Southcoast Steve on drums and Gal on his Gibson SG. No-one wants that.” And that’s verified.
2027 may also see at least one Las Vegas wedding involving our dreamboat manager Miss M and an undisclosed member of the band. Bookmaker odds currently place JC as the 100-to-1 outsider to tie the knot. Band bookie Slippery Sid said, “It’s unthinkable. The honeymoon would kill him… but what a way to go…” (Wouldn’t she be the one tying knots? – S&M Ed). Paul SkaNad is unsurprisingly a bottle (2-to-1), with Lord Waistrel, the unexpected second favourite, at a carpet (3-to-1), and Fat Col at double carpet (33-to-1). For other odds, see Slippery. No ‘covering the spread’ gags by request.
With the blog shut and the Gonads Verify service stood down, the internet has unfortunately suffered a fresh eruption of fake Gonads news websites carrying such ludicrous stories as: Phil McAvity! Lust-fuelled Gonads guitarist has sex with shop window mannequin… Gonads Moon Hop! Missing drummer spotted in the Sea of Crises! New Hope for fans of The Romulan… Wattsie Stalked by Cigar-Chomping Ghost of Savile Again Shock... Waistrel’s War on Westminster – disgraced Lord raises private army to overthrow ‘Quisling’ Starmer (How did that leak out? – Ed)… Gal Mobbed by OAP Groupies in Wetherspoons! Aging ‘Grumpies’ chanted ‘Teeth out for the Nads! We’ll take our teeth out for the Nads!’ at blushing singer, says shocked eye-witness (That one is true – Ed)… and, most heart-breaking of all, Gonads ‘Curry Deal’ Bankrupts Promoter – “When I agreed to pay the band in beer and curry last Christmas, I had no idea how much they’d get through,” sobs ruined Gerupta Chunda. The Beast is moving swiftly to close down this unutterable tripe.
Genuine Fat Col Lonely Hearts ad: Wanted! Loose Woman with tight fanny. (Oaf! – Wattsie)
This blog is closed. Look back in a month or three.
February 2026
