Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our Shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
April 23. Happy St George’s Day. The Gonads have recorded a few England songs but England, My Land – a secret track on our Old Boots, No Panties album – is by far the most moving. https://open.spotify.com/artist/5JAj3izlYtm652bmu6HmCH
April 18. Vital developments as Gal Gonad and his personal adviser Nikki Palmer sat down and thrashed out a deal with Miss Management on neutral ground earlier this week. As we understand it, Gal has now agreed to play “a limited number” of UK shows next year, including at least one major festival, as well as dates in Germany that are currently being negotiated. The band are also likely to confirm a traditional Christmas acoustic knees-up for this December. But there was NO agreement on a new Gonads album for 2027 and NO likelihood of the long-promised Gonads Annual materialising this year. Nikki is adamant that the main focus of Gal’s attention must be the Garry Bushell Experience. “The sands of time are running dry,” she tells us sternly, quoting Conquest, but what she means is anyone’s guess. We’d ask The Ox but he’s too scary.
April 17. Available now! A limited edition three-card collectors’ set of postcards consisting of two Gonads-themed cards and one Harry Tyler one. Just 60 of them have been made, each of them hand numbered and available now – three for £4.99 including P&P in the UK. and £5.99 inc P&P to anywhere else. Look lively though; when they’re gone, they’re gone.
April 13. To our enormous relief, our legal eagle The Beast and his IT response team have managed to shut down ALL fake Gonads news sites for the foreseeable future. This blog remains closed, but before we go, we need to report a shocking and potentially deeply disappointing rumour. According to well-placed insiders, Gal is privately considering abandoning next year’s planned 50th anniversary UK shows. He is said to have told his indiscreet PA Miss Fit that he would rather spend time on “other projects”. Why the change of heart? Gal’s right hand man and personal manager Dirty Rob tells us that he is frustrated by the current scene and sick of laughable approaches from dubious promoters who “offer us the opportunity to do a 400-mile round-trip for a fee that won’t even cover the petrol costs – the piss-taking bastards can do one. Our friends across the channel treat this great band with far more respect. My message to time-wasting British promoters – get real or get stuffed.” (And we cleaned that up – Ed).
Questions arising: What are the projects Gal would rather be working on? Dirty Rob maintains a dignified silence, but according to our well-placed source Nikki Palmer (who she? Ed) he is concentrating on writing a book called Brutal (not a Harry Tyler novel, not fiction at all) and on the GBX band, who trace their roots back to the Old Boots, No Panties era. Does this mean the new Gonads albums will be put on hold? Miss Fit will say only “No decisions have been made, have they?” Who is Dirty Rob? A former comedian and ex-resident of HMP Wandsworth where he was known as “The Ox”. Fears grow that The Ox is a disruptive influence on Gal compared to the calm but steely Miss Management. Effete El whispers “Even Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) is unsettled by The Ox.” Gulp.
April 11. Yesterday in the Hopper’s Hut: Steve Whale, Jeff Turner, Deirdre Aiken, Gal. What’s all that about? All will be revealed in good time.
Meanwhile, the curse of fake news continues to dog the dark web. “The gaps between a new ‘story’ being posted are smaller than the gaps between Fat Col’s meals,” moans a frustrated Wattsie Watts. The Beast is apparently co-operating with a crack team of hackers to bring this nonsense to an end. And about time too. The latest dubious posts claim: Artemis II crew ‘played Alconaut by The Gonads and downed cider to steel themselves for the heat of re-entry’ – NASA… Madame Tussaud’s ‘to include southeast London country-rock band the Rawhides’, reports Telegraph – will melt down Meat Loaf, Barry White and Lizzo’s arse to make Fat Col… Gal invited to join the Water Rats in recognition of the Gonads’ ‘continued contribution to the Music Hall tradition’ and his ‘services to variety’, says The Stage (Might be true, no comment from Nads HQ – Ed)…and The Growler thrown off Britain’s Got Talent stage after her alleged ‘throat singing’ act upset audience (Reuters) – traumatised eye-witness says “She wasn’t singing, more gargling… and not with water”… dirty cow! And to think we wrote a song about her…
PS. Real noos: Our pals the Punchdrunk Saints, featuring the great Mickey Geggus, play the Cart & Horses, Maryland Point, Stratford on Friday 26th June. This will sell out double lively, so don’t dawdle, get yer tickets now!
April 2. Actual news! Gal announced today that our next album will be called Rough Diamonds: The Best of the 70s. The album, to be released in 2027, will feature all our classic songs from 1977 on vinyl for the first time as part of the Gonads’ ‘50 years of failure’ celebrations. The collection will include Antigallican Last Bell, Red Army, Sally Blows The Bugle Horn, Sammy Bartram’s Shorts, Whelks, Run Run Run, Ripper’s Delight and more! Said Gal’s PA formerly known as Fit Bird but now identifying as Miss Fit, “The only songs from that period that made it onto vinyl at the time were Stroke My Beachcomber Baby and Big Balls. But there are later recordings of Pink Tent, which was written in 1973, and Lager Louts. Run Run Run and Chaos (Herbert Version) were only ever available live on the 1984 Official Bootleg release.” But she added that Gal has vetoed re-recording Clouds, which he wrote for his first schoolboy band Pink Tent in 1970, on the grounds that it was “garage-psychedelia more suited to the Orgasm Guerillas than us”. Miss Fit could not reveal when or where the album would be recorded, but she did say other Gonads songs that were written but never-recorded or released (like Fire Down Under, Ruptured Foreskin Blues, Becky’s Bucket, the incendiary CWS, and the career-ending Say What You Like) “might be recorded as a mini-album after the next all-new Gonads album, currently scheduled for 2028.” All very positive and the decision to concentrate on Rough Diamonds for the Gonads’ 50th seems entirely logical. But inevitably it has already been challenged. Self-appointed band spokeswoman and leading dissident Shona Wattsie Watts rants, “Why this fixation with the past? We should be releasing the new material first and the old stuff as an afterthought. The new material is top quality. Songs like 12 Bar Nights and Backstreets are up there with the best things Gal and Mark McMighty have ever written. They need to be recorded and released as soon as possible, not kept simmering on a back-burner like Fat Col’s ex-wife Jeanette on their wedding night when he couldn’t be dragged away from the bar.”
April 1. Happy April Fools’ Day! When better for these breaking stories, straight from today’s busiest and most depraved Gonads-fake-news websites – Col’s Stalker squawker! Fat Col ‘took his sex moves from a rugby song – when I didn’t come, he tickled my bum with a stalk of celery,’ says shocked victim… Let him pee! Gal’s urine to be ‘bottled as a restorative tonic and sold at artisan trade fairs’, reports Guardian, product to be marketed as ‘Gal’s Golden Goblets’… Foxy Vs Wattsie in ‘Demon Baby’ storm! Reports of Wattsie Watts being pregnant ‘with an alien baby’ were today laughed off by paranormal specialist Diana ‘Foxy’ Fox, who tells Psychic News, “It’s balderdash! The Alpha Centurions cannot mate with humans. I should know, I’ve tried often enough. In all probability this Wattsie woman has been knocked up not by an over-friendly extraterrestrial but by a semen-demon, a satanic creature who impregnates their victims in their dreams.” Blimey.
March 27. This week’s fake news round-up: Kiss ’n’ Swell! Wattsie Watts ‘pregnant with extraterrestrial child’, says obstetrician… Pissing Hell! New ‘Golden Shot’ scandal ‘could sink Gonads’ as long-standing band member is summoned to water-proofed Select Committee hearing… Kiss ’n’ Mel – ‘the Gal Gonad only I know’, by Mel B… Bow Bells Hell! JC ‘to join EastEnders as new Ben Mitchell’, tweets Essex clairvoyant… Shoots you sir! Student Tarquin Spencer-Stanhope fires Glock at Fat Col after video shows he stuffed seven scotch eggs up his arse and then served them to Bob Vylan as ‘vegan sweetmeats’… Badly Done! ‘I thought “hard and fast” was just a song lyric until I bedded a Gonad’ says shocked Sidcup barmaid (name of band member redacted, name of barmaid yours for a score)…(Make this stop! – Waistrel)
Could the Jolly Pranksters be behind this disturbing rash of fake Gonads’ news websites? Investigators believe that Prankster elders have authorised a campaign of disinformation to distract from the brotherhood’s own internal problems. One anonymous source whispers, “The Pranksters know they are being played by bad actors – by which I mean the security services rather than Danny Dyer – and also by double agents working for their enemies, like the notorious Paul Devine, round dodger, and Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor), both of whom were rightly expelled decades ago. But the brethren don’t want this scandal getting out. That’s why there is all this mendacious misdirection.” The totally anonymous source (acting WM Effete El of Fairlawn Court, Cherry Orchard estate, Charlton, SE7 7DT) went on to say, “There is a lot of internal feuding as we wait for a strong leader to emerge and make all the wrong decisions with absolutely certainty.”
Furious Fat Col rings to denounce claims that his latest Rawhides song is called ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Mum’. “It isn’t,” he fumed. “It’s called ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Said Mum’, I’m not some cheap pervert.” Is it autobiographical, though, we ask? The phone goes dead.
March 24. Official post: The Gonads are seeking a new record company partner for our next two albums. We are open to discussions with any label anywhere in the world as long as they are reliable, efficient and easy to communicate with. Our new material is our strongest to date and we will be touring next year to mark our fiftieth anniversary. Serious approaches only to Miss Management via waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
March 21. With the blog resting, here are more appalling lies and fabrications that we found on Gonads-fake-news websites today: LOST IN SPACE! Missing Gonads drummer The Romulan is an actual Romulan, say shocked NASA boffins… BURNING LOVE – Ghost of Elvis will possess Miss Management’s husband’s COCK after Vegas wedding for honeymoon romp while singing It Feels So Right, claims Circus Circus clairvoyant C.D. Fushcia… IT’S ALIVE – new galaxy ‘looks like the Franken-Skin’, and scientists detect a heart-beat, reports New Scientist… Gal rules out 2027 US tour (that one’s true – Ed)… Oi To The World? Fat Col ‘working on Oi-Punk Miss World contest for 2027’, reveals chief gutter-press snoop Chelsea Dom… YES! Prog-rock gurus ‘will collaborate with Orgasm Guerillas’, reports Classic Rock… MOTHERLY LOVE – Col denies claims new Rawhides song, ‘Hand Jobs Aren’t Incest, Mum’ is autobiographical (That’s quite enough filth – Ed)
March 15. Sad to say yet more ridiculous Gonads fake news is spurting over the internet like a veritable spunk volcano. New ‘exclusives’ include ‘Ghost of Elvis will officiate at Miss Management’s 2027 Vegas wedding – spirit of the King plans to possess Graceland Chapel minister says Memphis psychic’… ‘Shop window mannequin corrupted by Phil McAvity wants threesome with Beki Bondage’ (Don’t blame her – Ed)… ‘Fat Col to be new Iran Supreme Leader – Ayatollah Gannon “will put Wattsie in burqa!” reports GB News’… and ‘Dartford Council to SUE the Gonads, claim band’s Dogging In Dartford song has “engorged the problem” by 350%’ …Blimey. A distraught Effete El says “We’re trying to close these sites down but as soon as one is pulled off-line, another two pop up. It’s like Whack-A-Mole, and it’s frustrating because while stuff like ‘Missing Gonads drummer The Romulan “fled the Moon for Mars” after sighting, says NASA’ gets online, this blog is still closed which means we can’t even mention that the new issue of Verbal is now on sale featuring an interview with Michael Moorcock and new fiction by Richard Cubesville, Iain Cusack, Jonathan Gray, Pete ‘Manic Esso’ Haynes, Martin Knight and Joseph Ridgwell, plus Talking Books with Iain Sinclair and poetry from Tim Rolls. If we were open, we’d be able to say issue 13 is available from here, and ask JK Herbert how Chelsea got on last night. Howay the Toon! Toon! Toon! Black and white army!” Quite.
March 7 update: Although this blog remains closed, we can report that the band met last night and have reached a negotiated peace. Although Gal is still insisting that there will be no Gonads gigs this year, he has agreed to play one private show to invited guests in London. And Gal and Shona are close to confirming a new appearance with Klasse Kriminale, and dates as the Italian Gonads in northern Italy. There are solid plans for European gigs next year – aka The World is our Lobster tour – and Miss Management is inviting offers from “serious promoters only” based in Mexico and all points south. The gigs will celebrate the band’s glorious Fifty Years of Failure and our dear pal, Barnet Mark is looking at possible venues in Charlton, SE7. Said a band source, “It’s Gal’s lifelong dream to play at The Valley, Floyd Road. Ideally it would take place in the North Stand Suite with our Covered End Choir, the Charlton Boys, on backing vocals.”
Gal has rejected Club 77 suggestions that next year’s shows should feature “an all-star Gonads line-up”. Miss Management tells us, “The only Gonads line-up that matters is the current one.” An anonymous Club 77 insider (Effete El) tells us, “That’s the right decision. Of course, it would be quite something to see former Gonads guitarists like Steve Kent, Steve Whale, Micky Geggus and Den Stratton blazing away on stage together, or even the lads from Pink Tent, but knowing our luck we’d get Scoops on bass, Southcoast Steve on drums and Gal on his Gibson SG. No-one wants that.” And that’s verified.
2027 may also see at least one Las Vegas wedding involving our dreamboat manager Miss M and an undisclosed member of the band. Bookmaker odds currently place JC as the 100-to-1 outsider to tie the knot. Band bookie Slippery Sid said, “It’s unthinkable. The honeymoon would kill him… but what a way to go…” (Wouldn’t she be the one tying knots? – S&M Ed). Paul SkaNad is unsurprisingly a bottle (2-to-1), with Lord Waistrel, the unexpected second favourite, at a carpet (3-to-1), and Fat Col at double carpet (33-to-1). For other odds, see Slippery. No ‘covering the spread’ gags by request.
With the blog shut and the Gonads Verify service stood down, the internet has unfortunately suffered a fresh eruption of fake Gonads news websites carrying such ludicrous stories as: Phil McAvity! Lust-fuelled Gonads guitarist has sex with shop window mannequin… Gonads Moon Hop! Missing drummer spotted in the Sea of Crises! New Hope for fans of The Romulan… Wattsie Stalked by Cigar-Chomping Ghost of Savile Again Shock... Waistrel’s War on Westminster – disgraced Lord raises private army to overthrow ‘Quisling’ Starmer (How did that leak out? – Ed)… Gal Mobbed by OAP Groupies in Wetherspoons! Aging ‘Grumpies’ chanted ‘Teeth out for the Nads! We’ll take our teeth out for the Nads!’ at blushing singer, says shocked eye-witness (That one is true – Ed)… and, most heart-breaking of all, Gonads ‘Curry Deal’ Bankrupts Promoter – “When I agreed to pay the band in beer and curry last Christmas, I had no idea how much they’d get through,” sobs ruined Gerupta Chunda. The Beast is moving swiftly to close down this unutterable tripe.
Genuine Fat Col Lonely Hearts ad: Wanted! Loose Woman with tight fanny. (Oaf! – Wattsie)
This blog is closed. Look back in a month or three.
