Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Sept 6. Breaking news: Woman’s fury as she is snared in deepfake porn scandal rocking Plumstead… Police contacted by victim after AI-generated footage brings Colin Gannon’s foul ‘prophecy’ to life… Calls for Gannon’s arrest backed by Lord Waistrel… aristocratic band owner so disgusted by the images he had his wrinkled retainer Scrotum advance them frame by frame repeatedly… Gonads sack Fat Col pending internal investigation… Col goes on the run vowing to prove the “psychic” footage is genuine “or die trying”; adds insult to injury by saying “I suppose the wedding’s off then” and “She could have put a bit more effort into it”… Gonads spokesman (Effete El) tells Telegraph “A wonderful woman has been smeared. It’s an offence against punk rock, feminism and human decency.”
Sept 5. Noos: Oi 45 compilation on course for a late October release…The Business soft-launch their 13-song album, The Business F.C.; you can stream it in the usual places… Jeff Turner interviews Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream on his latest Rough & Ready podcast.
Sept 4. Sadly three of the original members of the Unidentified Cockney Gonads are dead, so who could be in Effete El’s proposed 2027 line-up? He gladly tells us that his dream list is: Gal (vox), Micky Geggus (lead guitar), Andy Parker (drums), Phil McDermott replacing Pete Way on bass, and Neil Carter (keyboards, rhythm guitar). He also has “a full set of substitutes” in mind. The set would include Lights Out In Charlton, Batttttty Batttttty Please, Shoot Shoot (Tyreece Campbell), and Locksbottom as well as the Gonads’ own England’s Glory, Hey You, TNT and Skinhead Girl.
El was keeping tight-lipped about the contents of Fat Col’s sordid vision until we plied him with crème de menthe. Two pints of the revolting alcoholic mouthwash were enough to persuade him to spill the beans about Gannon’s controversial prophecy. According to his dream, Col will be seduced “by a cheeky vixen” and subjected/treated to a “squelchy, sweaty, semen-stained, all-systems-go Sildenafil-fuelled all-nighter” which “very much involves a well-greased stage cock at a crucial stage”. El adds of the premonition, “She knew what she was doing. Colin was provoked. He just stared into the gaping maw of temptation and plunged straight in.” Blimey. We now know the identity of Col’s accommodating dream lover but don’t dare disclose it.
In another shock twist, it appears that sex-crazed, pegging-fantasist Gannon is running a second sick book offering odds on the top ten women he intends to “seduce” between now and Rebellion 2027. Blabs El, “Some might call it a hit-list, but I find it charming and romantic.” The favourite is known to blog readers; the second favourite is known to the police.” Double blimey.
Sept 3. Assistant manager Effete El (Acting assistant manager – Miss M) has thought of a cunning plan to secure a Gonads presence on the line-up for Batttttty Fest 3 next September. “I have offered Batttttty a brand-new version of the Unidentified Cockney Gonads,” he crows. Brilliant idea, we say, who’s in the line-up? He replies, “Oh, we haven’t got one yet, but the offer is there.”
Sept 2. Lord Waistrel’s band The Cosh Boys could become a frightening reality, we can report. The combo first appeared on The Joys of Oi compilation performing Reg & Ron, recorded by Gal (guitars) with Tank’s Mark Brabbs (vocals and drums). That’s common knowledge. But what we didn’t know is that the Cosh Boys had other songs at the time, including Torture Gang (Not Just A), Up The Ladder On The Hoof, and the, ahem, “tender love song” Don’t Finger Me Unless You Mean It. Gal tells us, “Fatty Lol was keen on a 12inch Waistrel ep, so I wrote a few more tracks. I can’t remember them all of the top of my head. It never happened because the record label had problems. That’s why the album took years to be released.” The unrecorded songs are believed to include Champagne Top, Spanner Time, Open Wide for Francis (about “dental hygiene”), George Davis Is In A Cell OK, and the moving Bury My Heart In Chiswick Flyover. Gal refused to be drawn on the possibility of a 2027 Cosh Boys ep saying only that “It’s been discussed. But so has Martian colonisation.”
Sept 1. We’re back! But first the bad stuff. As you might have seen on the news page, our acoustic Xmas knees-up has fallen through due to the heart-breaking unforeseen closure of the Hopper’s Hut next October. A replacement venue was lined up, but that also went Lils up when joint headline band the Anabolic Steroids split. Assistant band manager Effete El says that he and Miss Management are “working round the clock” to resurrect the knees-up but are “more interested in securing dates for next year” with likely venues being sized up in Cheshire, Tyne & Wear, St Helens and south Wales. “The jewel in the crown would be BattttttyFest 3 next September,” he says. A beautiful dream.
Fat Col is in double trouble. Firstly, because he has opened a “sick” book on who from our circle will DIE next – we will not reproduce the runners and riders. And secondly because he is boorishly claiming that a revolting dream he has had involving a woman close to the band was “a cast-iron premonition” and “destined to happen”. We are trying to establish more of the sordid details of this unpleasant vision but have yet to verify rumours that the stage cock was involved. An anonymous spokesman for Col tells us, “It is not Mr Gannon’s fault that he has been blessed with the gift of foresight.” Asked about Col’s twisted sick betting odds, the anonymous aide (Effete El) tells us, “It’s not serious, it’s black humour. You remember jokes don’tcha?” He pauses and adds, “Beside I’ve got a tenner on ******* ***** (all names redacted – Ed) at 10/1 and my only worry is ****** *********** is the odds-on favourite and he looks fuckin’ rough, dun’e?” Blimey.
8/8/26. This blog is closed for the immediate future. See you in September.
Aug 7. A statement from Gal: The celebrations of punk on British TV are to be welcomed. There’s life in the old dog yet. And mercifully, Rebellion (and Vive Le Rock) find space for young pups too. The annual festival is terrific, but the rot has set in at the grassroots. Local venues struggle with rising costs. Clubs fall victim to re-developers, and even Camden is threatened by property development and gentrification. The proliferation of covers combos makes it harder for young bands playing original music to gig regularly, let alone get noticed and build an audience. So what can be done? The answer is to return to punk’s D-I-Y roots, and create stand-alone local scenes for younger bands to grow and take root. Something Human Punk and the Vampyres of Soho achieve in different ways. We also need to revive the 1976 mindset. Punk isn’t about dressing a certain way, or sounding like thirty other bands, or following the herd. It’s about celebrating individuality and creatively, about questioning everything, thinking for yourself. Tearing up the rule book, channelling new energy and creating something valid and exciting. Something now. We don’t need corporations, or rip-off record labels. We don’t need two-bob, gobshite politicians either. To be relevant again, punk needs new voices, new champions, new scenes, new independent labels, new passion, and fresh thinking. It needs to break out of the backstreets and become the antidote to dreary modern pop. If we allow punk to become lazy nostalgia we speed its decline. That’s why we cherish the likes of John Lydon even if we don’t always agree with him.
Aug 6. None of us are at Rebellion this year but for info on available Gonads CDs and badges just email. waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk We will have more merch in 2027, unless Gal throws another wobbly. “’E’s becoming increasingly grumpy and anti-social, ain’t ’e?” whispers Miss-Fit.
Aug 5. News: Public Image Ltd will release a new live album called Alive later this year… our pals Carrie & The Coaxers play Underworld, Camden with The King Blues on the 22nd of this month… and fans of Jim Iron & John Steel’s hard-hitting Glory Boys saga can pre-order the Kindle edition of book three, Nothing’s Left here. It’s out on 13th with a physical paperback coming “quicker than Fat Col at a grab-a-granny disco” according to Jim.
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