Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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May 26. The sweltering bank holiday weather couldn’t shrivel up the Gonads’ productivity. Gal and Mark McMighty demoed SIX new songs at Nads HQ, Chelsfield. The best – Backstreets, 12 Bar Nights and the Never Go Home Again – are “proper bangers, hotter than the heatwave” according to eavesdropping disciplinarian Miss Fit, and are firm favourites to be recorded later this year. When will they be played live, you ask? Nothing confirmed, but Never Go Home Again would fit perfectly in the next acoustic show.
May 25. A Jolly Pranksters conference over the weekend saw the first-ever deployment of the brotherhood’s fearsome, top-secret Scallywag division. Brethren, some as young as 65, took part in a ceremonial display at ‘that Tonbridge place’ with the gents showing off their extensive weaponry – shotguns, elephant guns, muskets, swords, swordsticks, spears, antique pikes, slingshots, spanners, Stanley knives and scythes. Sadly there weren’t enough practice grenades for a full explosive demonstration, but goose eggs were substituted with gay abandon. The Scallies were cheered by watching brethren and invited youngsters from the PPGB’s Kingy Youth (average age, 57). Said one anonymous insider: “The Pranksters remain an apolitical force, and are not lined to Rejuvenate, the PPGB or ELF, but we understand the need for self-defence in these dangerous times. The Scallywags have sworn a loyal pledge to come forward when Drake’s drum sounds and King Arthur awakens from his slumbers and is summoned back to save what’s left of Merrie England. They are the unofficial Home Guard of today.” Blimey. The confidential insider (Effete El) added, “In the words of George Orwell said, that ‘rifle on the wall of the working-class flat or labourer’s cottage is the symbol of democracy’. To order brethren. Situation: Tudor.” The weekend ended with a performance of Coquette de la Brousse, exotic star attraction of the Windmill Theatre, Soho (1969), and the utterly nonpartisan ceremonial burning of a Keir Starmer straw man wrapped in the EU flag. The Scalliwags’ motto is Parata Ad Aliquid; loose translation: Ready For Anything (except missing The Chase).
May 23. We teased you with those 21st May blog exclusives but now we can reveal the truth concerning the exploits of one Terence Hayes, PM. Yes, El Tel really did tackle a much younger intimidating shoplifter in an Essex branch of Greggs when he caught him red-handed in the act of thieving two sausage rolls and a bean and cheese melt. Eyewitnesses state that the lowlife tealeaf, who was in his thirties, was over-powered “with extreme prejudice”. The PM was immediately hailed as “The Essex Equaliser” and a petition has been launched for him to receive a free steak slice in any Greggs for the rest of his life in recognition of his gung-ho heroism. Fat Col was so moved he has written a new Rawhides’ gunfighter ballad about the incident called No Justice, Just Us. He has also approached the PM asking him to join his new political movement, Rejuvenate. Col’s spokesman, Effete El told Sky News: “We have seen Reclaim, Reform, and Restore, but the only movement that means a light is Fat Col’s Rejuvenate. Col is looking back to a world when working class culture was supreme – from rock bands in the charts and Derek Hales on the pitch to Minder on the telly. It was a world of lock-ups, lock-ins and nice little earners, when friends did you favours, no round was ever dodged, and two-fisted action-pensioners like the dear PM intervened wherever injustice reigned. Rejuvenate vow that we will restore pounds, shillings and pence; we shall measure distances in miles not kilometres, resurrect capital punishment, and bring back 1975 prices for all beer, ales, and ciders. Statues of Arthur Daley, Jack Regan and Paddy Mayne shall be raised. Finally, we will re-introduce proper temperature scales. To hell with Centigrade, a filthy foreign imposition, England fries in Fahrenheit.” Please note Rejuvenate is not backed by Elon Musk or the Gonads. (Yet – Fat Col).
May 21. You wanted the old blog back, right? Well you’ve got it. Right here, right now, are FIVE shocking old-school news exclusives – 1. Fat Col opens Only Fans account! 2. Terence Hayes, PM, turns into The Equalizer of Essex! 3. Waistrel signs up Scandinavian Airlines business class stewardess Susanna X to be “the Swedish Wattsie”! 4. Gal forced to deny claims that new Gonads song Peggin’ Sue was inspired by Scandinavian Airlines business class stewardess Susanna X’s interactions with Waistrel! 5. Punk Rock Curry Club rebels (Col and Wattsie – Ed) plan to split away and form a Punk Rock Pie & Mash Club as part of their TCL campaign. What makes it worse is that at least two of these stories are stone cold true.
Tune back next week for shock revelations about the Pranksters’ new top-secret Scallywags division…
May 20. Published today, Rolling Stone magazine’s Top 100 Punk Albums is a strange beast, full of bands that were pre-punk, post-punk, proto-punk, new wave, hippy shit, and/or art-punk junk. But where’s the real meat? You might find it hard to take seriously a list that ignores the Stranglers and sticks the Gang Of Four in at No 16. The Damned limp in at 90 and Devo are apparently more punk than the Dead Kennedys. Crass and Suicide make the list, the Cockney Rejects, the Ruts, the UK Subs, Upstarts and Blitz do not. Although the first Oi! Album is in at 72 (with the usual strange distortions) and we understand our live bootleg double album is hovering outside at 101. Fat Col thunders, “What kind of wet, trendy, know-nothing streak of paralysed piss puts together a list as pathetic and perverse as this?” It’s click-bait, rage-bait, don’t engage, we tell him, but to no avail. The last we heard Col was on his way to Heathrow for a flight to New York, where the wretched rag is based, on a mission to rain “anarchy and chaos” on their sorry arses “like Jason Statham in the Beekeeper”. It’s the first time he’s left Plumstead in at least ten years. Let’s hope the American Gonads can intervene and talk him out of it. Or alternatively talk him into staying. Why rush back? It’s not like he’s invited to the Soho gig.
May 18. Gal’s chat with Jeff Turner is now up and running. There’s a short teaser online. For the full video, go here.
May 17. Gal’s 6000-word tribute to Iron Maiden is in the latest Fistful Of Metal.
May 16. Fat Col is attempting to recruit Wattsie Watts, his arch-enemy, into joining his new street campaign group to “save English food and drink”. The TCL (Toby Carvery League) wants to see “proper grub and proper beer” back on the menu in every high street, every school and every sixth-form college. Their slogans include Pies & Stew, not Vindaloo; TCL not KFC; Pasties never Pizzas, Sausages Mean Dinner, and Pork Chops not Chop Suey. Col was last seen with a megaphone telling feral truants, “Let me tell ya about your blood, Cockney kids, it ain’t Coca Cola, it’s Best Bitter.” Strummer’s estate should sue.
May 15. Brief recap. We have been approached by Lucky Lex Zutterberg, the hard-drinking American crypto-billionaire, who is planning to include a Gonads amusement park in his brave new VR world, Cockney Land. In the highly confidential Microsoft Teams meeting with Effete El earlier this week, he shared detailed plans of the park and its rides which El solemnly promised never ever to disclose on pain of death. So here they are:
The Wattsie Watts’s Wild Rabbit Hole Ride (includes 97 major conspiracy plunges). Gal Gonad’s Golden Goblets ‘Water’ Cruise (think before you drink). Charlie Harper’s Lose-Your-Love mini-subs. Miss Management’s The Whip (‘Strap in for a proper Strappin’’). Becky’s Bucket (‘Touch all sides simultaneously to win a rash’). Martin Sporrell’s Tunnel of Hate (baseball bats optional). Round-Dodgems (loser pays for all). Cindy Jackson’s Hall of De-Aging Mirrors. Tucker’s Hall of Ruckers. Derek Hale’s Hall O’Headbutts. The Late-Night Woolwich Experience (body armour provided). Wattsie’s Dartford Dogging Diversion. Gal’s Ob-Scenic Railway (an authentic 110-ton coal-fired steam locomotive which chugs through the re-imagined foothills of Charlton offering panoramic views of early morning drunks, junkies, crooks, pushers, muggers and drippers). Pirates of the Clapham Junction (Friggin’ in the Riggin’ is optional). The Juicy Jeanette Joy Ride (‘dirtier than the Lion King’s litter tray’). Phil’s Write-A-Ska-Song interactive challenge! ‘Can you compose a bluebeat belter before Phil McGonad does?’ (Shouldn’t be hard, we’ve been waiting nine years for his – Ed). The VR (Very Risky) Beki Bondage Please 3D whip-crack-away ride. Monsoon (formerly the Golden Shot Splash Mountain; bring a brolly). Fat Col’s Lucky Dip (rubber gloves and scrubbing brush recommended). The Nosher’s Lucky Trip (includes fun-sized opium cake and 200mcg of LSD). Paul SkaNad’s Rockabilly Rebel Ride – enjoy the ultimate 1950s rockabilly experience by taking Paul’s tour, in a restored 1957 Chevy, of pubs, curry-houses, pubs, pie shops and, um pubs. And, scariest of all, The Yeti, the world’s most intense rollercoaster – riders accelerate to 69mph up to a terrifying zero-gravity roll; the 112-feet high ride features seven inversions, two subterranean trenches, a 105ft first drop, a 12-second fully immersive sexual simulation, and ends with a roar that neutralises Viagra in a 500-yard radius. Footnote: There will also be a seasonal Punkarella panto, a summertime Lipstick Leather & Lust ‘Oral escapade’, and recreations of historic Charlton Village pubs The Bugle Horn, the Antigallican, The Lads Of The Village and the White Swan. (And to think some readers are moaning that we’ve gone too serious – Ed).
May 14. We have received a petition so harshly worded that it reads almost like a death threat. Readers complain variously about the blog being ‘restricted and rationed’, ‘too serious’, and ‘lacking guts’. One anonymous character, calling himself simply ‘THPM’, condemns us for a serious lack of reporting on vital matters such as the inner struggles of the Jolly Pranksters and their “fine and noble leader Terence Hayes, PM, the Paul Newman of Oi”. The Pranksters, he adds, are “a pound shop Illuminati”, adding “and I mean that in a good way, we need the wisdom of these respected backstreet elders to see us through these tough wossnames, times, don’t we?” Yes, Tel.
‘Why aren’t the Gonads taking part in Oi! Grief In Tenerife?’ was one of the major moans. Assistant band manager Effete El admits he was approached but says we are “holding back until the sequel – Oi! Leg-Over In Fitzrovia” on the grounds it was less of a trek. (“He has to go” – Waistrel).
May 13. Happy birthday Gal Gonad! 71 today. Or in our age system, 69 + 2 which sounds more fun.
In other news, we have had an approach from self-styled tech mogul Lucky Lex Zutterberg, the American crypto-billionaire who previously tried and failed to convince Lord Waistrel of the financial benefits of funding the launch of a punk rock Nad-coin. Lex is “a longtime Gonads fan” and wants to include a Nads-themed amusement park in his brave new VR world Cockney Land. In a Microsoft Teams meeting with assistant manager Effete El, he shared detailed plans of the park which El has promised faithfully never to reveal.
May 9. Here is the new edition of Ask Gal Anything on the subject of Gonads songs, thanks for your all questions. Kirstie, Eltham: What is the closest the Gonads have ever come to having a hit single? Gal: That would have been The Lottery Song in 1994. It was a blinding ska song, topical and really catchy. We had a great independent label, Andy Swallow’s Labello Blanco, who were gung-ho to release it, they had a plugger on board, we had guaranteed radio play and national press coverage was locked in. But the label dropped the song soon after they received the master because someone who has never owned up to it had re-recorded it in the style of Cotton Eye fucking Joe without asking or even telling me. It was completely fucked. Clyde blamed The Beast, and The Beast blamed Clyde. Either way, they managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Alexis, Santiago: I understand that you wrote your first song when you were 13 years old, will this be included in your Rough Diamonds compilation? Gal: Well, I wrote a song called Clouds when I was learning to play the guitar. I was probably 14, but that was years before punk so it wouldn’t have fit with the 1977 pure-punk set. If anything, it was sub-Syd-Barrett. Very sub-Syd-Barrett. All major chords of course. It was never played live but I am going to gift it to the Orgasm Guerrillas, that would make musical sense.
Frieda, Berlin: How many of your songs are based on real life or real people? Gal: Quite a few. Federales, Oi Mate, the Cheeky Chappy, Buy Me A Drink You Bastards, Teeth Aht, the Yeti, Valhallaballoo, Sandra Bigg (Really Big), Badly Done… loads more. The best humour comes from real life.
Jools, Daventry: Is it true that your daughters co-wrote Tesco Lorry? Gal: Yes! We are on our way to Pat Collier’s studio and I got stuck behind a Tesco van that was driving at the speed of a knackered milk float. I was ranting a bit, as I was prone to do back then, and they were giggling in the back because they were writing some of it down. Later on, they gave me it as a blank verse road rage poem. I said, why don’t you try to write some music for this?, and they did. The next day the band were back in the studio recording Glorious Bastards and I told Tony Feedback, I’ve got a new song, can you play it? Tony started playing the chords and bingo, it all came together. Some snooty reviewer later claimed that we’d ripped off Personality Crisis, but we didn’t. This is exactly how it happened. The girls had never even heard of the New York Dolls, they were about eight and ten at the time. RIP Pat and Tony, both hugely missed.
Hugo, Camargue: What are the best and worst songs you have ever written? Gal: I rate Federales and Oi Mate; I have a soft spot for Conquest, Ragman’s Trumpet and Buy Me A Drink You Bastards too. Stop That Drumming on the live bootleg was probably the worst. We tried recording a Ska version of it in 2010 and it didn’t improve it much.
Yvonne, Birmingham: How many Gonad songs have you got ready to record? Gal: I’ve got three whole albums of Gonads numbers ready – Rough Diamonds and 26 brand-new belters.
Yvonne again: And what are the best new unrecorded Gonads songs? Gal: Hard to say without demoing them properly but I think Twelve Bar Nights, Radio Radio, and They Died Heroes are proper bangers, they’re up there with our best work. Holy Fuck is unlikely to make the Vatican playlist.
Jim, Aberdeen: How many times were the Rough Diamonds songs played in 1977? Gal: Not many. We only ever did a handful of gigs back then and all of them were in our local except for a few Indian restaurant follies.
Angie, Enfield: Who inspired Becky’s Bucket? Gal: Nobody well-known.
Mick, Tankerton: What is the best Gonads song you never recorded from back in the day? Gal: Off the top of my head, Fire Down Under. I was on the road in America with Rose Tattoo when I had the idea for it. I came back with all the words and the tune and sang it to Steve Kent who worked out the chords, so essentially he arranged my song. Steve then recorded it with The Business without telling me. There were a couple of Business songs that I didn’t get a credit for. Work Or Riot was entirely my idea, including the chorus lyrics which I gave Fatty Lol. But that’s how it was back then. Thieving bastards everywhere. Shameless.
Chelsea Paul, Lewisham: are there any of your songs that you’re ashamed of? Gal: Not really ashamed, but that Max and Gal ep was a wasted opportunity. Me, Max Splodge and Decca Wade got Rowley-Birkin-level pissed in a studio and just recorded what came to mind. This led to me meeting with Johnny Vaughan years later who accurately quoted the lyrics to Sandra – ‘I’d like to fuck you Sandra but I’m busting for a shite…’ Nothing to be proud of, is it? But a very true story, nonetheless.
Si, Liverpool: when will any of the new material be released and will you keep on writing? Gal: Next year for Rough Diamonds. We just need to find a label to get behind it. And yeah, we’ll keep writing until we drop.
May 1st. After ten days of podcast interviews, Gal Gonad called on young bands to “come together and relight the true spirit of punk rock’n’roll”. Bands need to “tap into the spirit of The Clash and the Pistols and make music that is earthy, passionate, furious and wild,” he said. “Make your own scenes, let a 100 flowers bloom! The slogan should be: ‘No Taylor, Sheeran or Kanye West in 2027’. And don’t fall for politicians’ bullshit.” In one lengthy exchange, Gal said, “Power needs to be snatched back from corporations and tech giants, the multinationals are in charge now and that’s like Kryptonite for creativity.” He also dismissed A.I. music as “a wrong turning”, saying “A.I. has no heart, it can only copy and thieve; it could never originate or channel real feelings; it’s a threat to human creativity.” Gal also revealed that he was “not hungry to get back into the studio; hungry isn’t the word. The word is ravenous – my goal is to make an album that us better Revolution Now and Back & Barking and also take a serious turn with The GBX and take our poison into the mainstream.”
Next week: a brand new Ask Gal Anything on Gonads songs.
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