Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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June 11. The Gonads’ official World Cup song, The Revenge of World Cup Willie, is now on YouTube – spread the word! Come on England!
The Dead Kennedys album Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables has been remastered yet again. Apparently, there were issues with the 2022 remaster. The band tells us the platter has been “remastered from the original tapes, with the same rawness, urgency, and barely-contained chaos. Few debuts define both a band and an era.” The new version is out on 22nd July.
June 10. The Telegraph have published an absurd Top 50 all-time greatest punk albums list with Green Day at No 1. Yeah, right. For Gal’s bemused responses, see his TikTok account.
Talking Green Day, the lads have released the official trailer for their upcoming comedy film, now called NIMRODS. The blurb reads: ”When Tommy receives a phone call inviting his band to open for Green Day on New Years Eve, he doesn’t realize it’s an elaborate prank by his older brother, Wayne. Desperate to believe his life is about to change, Tommy steals Wayne's car and begins driving his band from Kansas City to Los Angeles, hell bent on getting there in three days. What follows is a rowdy and uproarious road trip across America, inspired by Green Day’s early days of touring in a van, years before the release of their breakout record Dookie.” As we have said before, it doesn’t sound a million miles away from Curry On Up The Gonads.
Last month, Lord Waistrel commissioned Malcolm Faust, a key rock business strategist, to come up with a plan to make the Gonads successful (or as his Lordship said, “a bally cash cow”. After several weeks of study and a five-figure fee, Malcy has hit on the answer: for the band to make Waistrel millions, Miss Management must simply – wait for it – sell her soul to the devil. Great idea! Why didn’t we think of that?
STOP PRESS: A man claiming to be the devil who subsequently invited Miss M to a seedy hotel in Streatham (room 666) was arrested early this evening. He was wearing a red XXXL one-piece costume, a red-dyed balaclava and plastic devil horns, and brandishing a pitchfork and a fiddle. GB News reveals the name of the sex offender is Colin Hercules Gannon of no fixed income. Reports that he was “smooth between the legs” have not been substantiated.
June 9. Terrible goings-on at last night’s PRCC as Mrs Marr, the scat singing sensation and GBX recruit, performed a rather too public ‘golden shower’ demonstration in the Tailor’s Chalk, leaving Gal’s legs drenched. And you wonder how she got the job… Then someone close to JC was heard to say, “I’ve had to go from 4 inches to 12 inches”. What could she mean? Is JC really blessed in the y-front department, or is our anonymous source (Effete El) correct when he claims she was referring to JC’s enthusiasm for pegging. Blimey. 4 inches to 12 inches… And next week she gets serious.
June 5. Out today! The new Aggrolites album, Super Atomic.
Madrophenia – next month’s Madness’s Brighton beach festival – has sold out, but fear not, the nutty boys (potty pensioners, surely? – Ed) have now added a second date on 23rd July. Two days of utter Madness with special guests The Selecter, Craig Charles and The Beatles Dub Club on the 23rd, and David Rodigan and Hot 8 Brass Band on the 24th.
True story alert! Britain’s Got Talent scouts want Gal and Wattsie to audition their ventriloquism act for the next ITV series. Seriously. Sadly, Wattsie has refused. In fact, her actual response was: “Fuck right off”. Rude or what? Wattsie is said to have added “I will never sit on his lap again! Not after the last time.” Asked what happened the last time, she merely sniffed and said, “I was traumatised for months.” Blimey.
Update #1. We can reveal that Wattsie’s violent foul-mouthed reaction was actually the result of lying bastard Fat Col telling her she and Gal would also have to do an X-rated version of the act for the new after-show ITVX late-night spin-off “to have the required shock value”. This would mean the doll would sit not on Gal’s lap but on his face. Col added that the rehearsals would take place in a studio in Upper Dicker (East Sussex) or Fanny Hands Lane (Lincolnshire). “She went Garrity,” reports our anonymous insider, Effete El. Feigning innocence, Col tells the blog, “It’s an artistic challenge that was only ever performed once – at the Sorbonne during the 1968 student uprising by the radical French ‘biloquist’ and anarchist Jacques Lecheur.” Blimey. He goes on, “It’s a real test of the puppeteer’s tongue flexibility and vocal-projection skill. Having the doll squatting on your gob makes it much harder for even the greatest vents to throw their voice. And much easier for the doll to smile.” (Fuck off! Oaf! – Wattsie). He went on, “A real team-player would accept the challenge for the good of the band. Let’s hope Waistrel doesn’t get to hear about Wattsie’s latest act of deliberate sabotage by reading the email I’m about to send him.” (Double fuck off! Oaf! – Wattsie).
Update 2: Miss Fit tells us: “Not wanting to miss BGT mainstream exposure, Gal tried to rehearse the act with Charity, a Maya Jama lookalike, but something popped up.”
June 4. The Rifles, the Purple Hearts and Maze are among the bands playing this year’s Brighton Mod Weekender over August bank holiday. The event, organised by the New Untouchables, takes place over four days with evening shows at Komedia. The venue boasts a big maple wooden dancefloor, air con and two late bars. There will be two rooms of Mod, Sixties and Northern Soul sounds all weekend with New Untouchables DJs and special guests from all over the UK and beyond. As well as the aforementioned bands, there will also be live music from The Capellas, France’s Child of Panoptes, The Forty Fours, the Sha La Las and Benson Gibbons & the Sapphires. Friday, Saturday & Sunday daytime events are free and held at the Volks Tavern, 200 yards east of Brighton Pier on Madeira Drive (where the scooters arrive in Quadrophenia). The venue has two well-stocked bars complete with a large outside terrace and plenty of parking for the scooters on the promenade. Sunday is the eagerly anticipated Scooter competition and scooter run along the coast to Peacehaven. DJ sessions and Vintage Market each day selling records, memorabilia, clothes and accessories.
And if you’re in Brighton, the Skinhead Reunion three-day weekender starts tomorrow, also at Volks with a motley crew of bands including RUST, Malaysia’s ACAB, and Potato 5.
Members of Club 77 who wish to attend of our private industry showcase gig in Central London this month should email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk quoting your membership number.
June 3. Conservative Military Image play six German gigs this month: Metal Frenzy Open Air in Gardelegen on the 11th, Ain’t like You festival, Torgau (13th), Monkeys Music Club, Hamburg (14th), Goldgrube, Kassel (15th), and Turock, Essen (16th). They’re back in August to play Freiluft Arena, Graz, Austria.
And our pals the Lower Class Brats are playing five US East Coast gigs this month, kicking off in Queens, New York, on the 17th.
June 1. Gal sensationally snubbed yesterday’s full-band rehearsal. Why? Internet theories include 1) He walked out after they refused to learn Lights Out In Charlton. 2) He is striking until Wattsie agrees to do the legendary ventriloquism sketch. 3) He was too busy auditioning flag girls. 4) He was too busy replaying Arsenal’s penalties. 5) He had a skinful in Wales, slept through his alarm and missed his lift home. Although all these answers have a ring of truth, the only correct one is the last one. Shocking behaviour.
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