Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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Nov 3. New facts arrive to further discredit tightwad promoter Tonka Ted in the wake of yesterday’s traumatic twist. It seems the two-faced rascal has been running a lucrative, advert-heavy Gonads fake-news site from the Seychelles which our legal eagle The Beast has now closed down. This shocking rip-off included dreadful clickbait like:
Meghan Markle to be “the new Wattsie” – Duchess of Sussex in secret talks to take part in controversial ventriloquism sketch on stage…
Bareknuckle fights, stomach-pumping lock-ins, sadistic forced feeding, and shocking sex orgies – what really goes on behind the scenes at the Punk Rock Curry Club…
Drinking 12 pints of Paulaner every day is the best way to lose weight and cure wossname, dementia, says health guru…
Does listening to The Business give you malaria? (Yes – Ed)…
Exclusive! Major punk star will die next year. Or the year after, reveals Sylvie Lee-Simmons (Foots Cray’s ‘leading psychic medium, tarot card reader and visiting masseuse’)…
Why Elvis, Lennon and Bowie would have been Gonads fans, but Sinatra would have hated them – Lloyd Webber’s shock verdict…
Sandie West’s mega-sex-toy splits live hippo in half, details and dimensions revealed…
A daily Gonads-style Full English breakfast could add up to 15 years to your life, says bedridden dietician…
Randale Records buy entire Green Day back-catalogue and lose it…
And as best-selling 2023 Gonads album Revolution Now is robbed of a platinum disc, furious Kemi Badenoch asks: Why won’t Burnham take the blame?
Nov 2. Rotten news! Next year’s Festival of Frivolous Frolics has been cancelled. A furious Ted ‘Tonka’ Thomas blames the bands and their “money-grabbing” managers. He tells us, “They all wanted to be paid, the fucking bastards! How was that ever going to happen?” We all need to cover costs at least, Ted, we say, but he’s not having it. “It doesn’t matter if the bands lose money,” he roars. “They should do it for the glory of resurrecting the Pathetique dream! And to keep us promoters in red wine – that’s how it works at Rebellion.” (Is this libellous? – Ed).
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